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Well. That’s going to make it hard for him to contribute this season.

Plus, the problem is likely to be exacerbated by the raw sewage in the O.co Coliseum. From The New York Times:

The pipes backed up three times last season, once flooding the visitors’ dugout with brown water and another time forcing sewage out of the clubhouse sinks.

That stuff’s flammable, right?

Anyway, Addison Russell on fire, and the A’s playing in a flood of excrement. Fun times in Oakland.

UPDATE:

Fire is really terrible.

Brethren and sistren, behold! Today I bring you the latest Internet creation, which debuted and made its rounds just this week. This new innovation, my friends, is the Ron Gardenhire Nickname Generator, a website that will take your last name and magically transforms it, through the power of Technology!™, into the shitty nickname that the manager of the Minnesota Twins would provide you in lieu of the grand nicknames of baseball’s past, such as “The Reading Rocket”, “The Commerce Comet”, and “Lumpy”.

This’ll be great. Let’s try it together. My nickname is below:

And baseball-savant David Cameron:

And ne’er-do-well David Temple:

And put-upon gentleman of the night Dayn Perry:

Huh. I have to be honest, guys and gals; I’m kind of underwhelmed by this pattern. It’s ok, I guess, but hardly justifies even the minimal time and effort I have invested in this post thus far. Is there not anything we can do that will render this project worthwhile? We’ll try one more:

Never mind. This is fantastic. Congratulations, Cistsy!

As in, Bronson Arroyo, junkballer extraordinaire.

Let’s take a nostalgic look back.

Contrast that with:

Mike Moustakas really is not off to a confidence-building start.

— Dan McLaughlin (@baseballcrank) April 6, 2014

Julio Teheran is a better hitter than Moustakas.

— Matt Salais (@juliokcmo) April 6, 2014

I do think Moustakas will get a hit this season. #Royals

— Matt Davis (@KCRoyalFan) April 6, 2014

@royalsauthority A friend texts me every time #moustakas makes another out. I should block him now, right? #OhFer2014

— Monte White (@nomototo) April 5, 2014

There are no words to describe how horrible Moustakas is #royals

— coachdicarlo (@DManEnterprises) April 5, 2014

Things Mike Moustakas has done well this season: Didn't trip walking down to 1st after drawing a walk

— Brandon H. (@BHIndepMO) April 5, 2014

Not that we can or should judge anything by (as of this writing) 15 hitless at-bats, but I have replaced him in my fantasy lineup with James Loney.

Answer the following questions, testing your critical analysis skills:

1. “The cost is what is keeping Mets fans away from the ballpark” suffers from the same logical flaw as which of the following sentences?
(a) The cost is what is keeping music fans away from the Right Said Fred Reunion Tour.
(b) The cheese is what is keeping hungry people from eating a grilled cheese and rotten tuna bones sandwich.
(c) The maggots are what is keeping people from eating that corpse over there.
(d) Bartolo Colon.

2. The man in the picture:
(a) Works for The New York Post.
(b) Had a better seat, but didn’t want to be able to see the Mets lose quite so clearly.
(c) Needed somewhere to quietly reflect.
(d) Has been photoshopped in.

3. The full article mentions the $6.25 hot dog cost, highest in the game. The cost of hot dogs is a factor driving attendance to the same degree as:
(a) What’s inside the hot dog.
(b) The brand of mustard.
(c) Ruben Tejada.
(d) Which alternate uniform the team is wearing on a given day.

4. Also from the article: “John Canova, who lives in East Meadow, bought Mets season tickets from 2001 through last year. He gave up this year, he said, because he found it exceedingly difficult to sell the tickets for games he didn’t attend….” Based on this sentence, which of the following is true:
(a) John Canova has been in a coma since 2008.
(b) John Canova has too much disposable income.
(c) John Canova has spent a lot of time on the StubHub website.
(d) All of the above.

5. “Michael Weinstat, a registered investment advisor who lives in Woodbury, owned Mets season tickets with a friend from 1987-2009. He gave up after ’09 because, armed with the public knowledge that the Mets had lost so much money to Bernard Madoff, he saw the storm coming.” Michael Weinstat:
(a) Is clearly the reason the Mets haven’t won the World Series since 1986.
(b) Knows he is the reason the Mets haven’t won the World Series since 1986 and feels awful about it.
(c) Is making up this so-called “friend.”
(d) Indirectly lost a lot of money to Bernard Madoff.

If you answered (a), (b), (c), or (d) to any of these questions, you are correct. You win as many Mets tickets as you want.

I apologize for this post. Feel free to leave your own images of Andrew Cashner’s fantasy ceiling, or fantasy ceiling fan, in the comments.

NEW YORK — X-rays have confirmed what was previously suspected: Mets closer Bobby Parnell has a partially torn elbow in his elbow. Doctors are unsure how it got there, or whether it was torn before or after it entered Parnell’s body, but they confirm that the partially torn elbow likely belonged to a former minor league teammate.

Whether Parnell ingested this teammate’s elbow as part of a dare or initiation ritual, whether it was placed inside of him as some sort of prank, or whether he injected into his elbow a syringe-ful of magic beans that caused a new elbow to sprout inside of him is unclear.

It is also unclear how the partially torn elbow made its way to Parnell’s elbow if that was not its initial site of entry. If the elbow was ingested, it would have been a difficult journey from the mouth to the elbow, likely just narrowly sliding past his carotid artery. If the partially torn elbow entered from the other end of Parnell’s body, there are additional questions that definitely do not have answers.

The hope is that the partially torn elbow will heal with rest, although prospects for its ultimate removal are grim without surgery. Any elbow-dissolving drugs Parnell could receive would likely destroy his own elbow in addition to the partially torn elbow, leading to not only the end of his pitching career but possibly the end of his lower arm entirely.

Doctors are writing up the case in The Journal of Elbow Medicine, and, rest assured, NotGraphs will be the first to publish that paper once it is completed.

(Photo: Charles Stewart Parnell, founder and leader of the Irish Parliamentary Party.)

What we are doing is blatantly ripping off Dayn Perry, occasional contributor to NotGraphs; regular contributor to CBSSports.com, the home for all baseball; and constant contributor to the moral deterioration of The Republic; by assigning cool nicknames to players rather than perpetuate the tired lamewad practice of assigning cool players nicknames. Since Dayn has seen fit to abandon us in our hour of need, we will usurp his nickname creation and application authority and render it back unto the people, so that they can ruin it through the democratic process, like they ruin everything else.

Last time out, perpetual disappointment David Temple tried, and seemingly failed, to determine who should earn the nickname “White Sangria.” As no consensus was either sought nor reached, this remains the Hall of Honour, which Dayn (because he’s an asshole who puts on airs) believes is “so stately, so regal, so much itself a celebration of the Norman Conquest, that an extra British-English unstressed ‘u’ is required for proper spelling…” Read the rest of this entry »

By popular, if relatively subtle, demand, one of your favorite NotGraphs features is back — and rebooted! — for the 2014 season. For our opener this year, instead of giving you postgame quotes per se, we’ll be giving you pregame — and thus, pre-season — quotes from yesterday’s contests. Also, because we like to more broadly distribute our cultural tastelessness, we will no longer be simply translating into Chinese. Instead, we’ve devised a new and highly proprietary translation formula that also involves Indonesian, Nepali, Yoruba, and Hausa, and is expertly honed to yield the reveal the truest and purest kernels of meaning nestled within each sound bite. Without further ado:

Kansas City Kingdoms vs. Detroit Jaguars

“My first day, in a match on the opening day will be the first time, these ideas. To Detroit, disappeared before we play, the field will know that one of the most energy, the first day there, I’m sure it would be very appropriate, then, if you do not know that you see me.” – Brad Ausmus

“We are beaten, you are, this is a Jaguar, each time in the city, such as voice, or we go there. They, we, you. Challenge is the need to go to a victory party arrived, we say.” – Eric Mo Hawes

“You’re in a fun, but we all-star game Baseball instead of waiting began to break, so it must be the first day. I believe that the nature of the person has a good team behind again, and this year, you know everyone.” – Aaron Crow Pharmacy

NOTES: Outfielder Andy Dirks, shortstop Jose Iglesias and pitcher Bruce Long Dong is strenuous…Second baseman Ian Kinsler New – Best for batting – a movie from German Prince Phil Texas this offseason to go to work…They also signed right field and bat second baseman Omar Infante open and play from the sale rabbi Delin Aoki.

Read the rest of this entry »

(For more nonsense inspired by my son, check out my piece on McSweeney’s last week, “Your Baby’s Klout Score is in the 25th Percentile.”)