As the handsome onlooker is no doubt aware, Andy Pettitte, weary of his mewling family, has decided to return to baseball and cash. But please know that he doesn’t feel good about it …
It is not often that an otherwise milquetoast base ball-ist such as Pettitte unleashes a quote that contains multitudes, but, lo, this one contains multitudes …
-v @a AQ Awa-AAaaAojKkk
— Larry Stone (@StoneLarry) March 18, 2012
To the relaxed and reposed Internetting Gentleman, the Seattle Times‘ Larry Stone’s most recent submission to the public might appear to be nothing more than the product of a Gammons-esque pocket tweet.
Upon further research, however, it appears as though Stone’s tweet is not, in fact, mere nonsense, but actually a popular Klingon expression that, roughly translated, means “Is it not that my many, large, scattered muscles are quite capable of swelling for the benefit of the hearts of many scattered little women?”
To which pressing question the masses answer: “MajQa’! nuqDaq ‘oH puchpa”e’!”
This, sorta in the words of Montell Jordan, is how you do it — where “do it” is synonymous with “get into Jonathan Broxton’s pants.”
Tim Collins and me…in Jonathan Broxton’s pants! twitter.com/teaparty61/sta…
— Everett Teaford (@teaparty61) March 15, 2012
The highest of fives to Mike Axisa.
Tommy Lasorda, brief and awful Major League pitcher, legendary former manager of the Los Angeles Dodgers, godfather to Mike Piazza’s younger brother and to Alex Avila, recipient of all sorts of honorary positions, current “Goodwill Ambassador” (read: Walmart Greeter) for Major League Baseball (despite a history of amazing, amazing profane tirades), and still a perennial presence at Dodgers’ spring camp, is going to turn 85(!) this year.
In his twilight, he has embraced Twitter. Surprisingly, his tweets are cogent and even integrate a full range of hashtags, @’s, links, and pics. He interacts with fans and young players alike, and he’s not at all curmudgeonly or haughty about his success (though he doesn’t hesitate to post office-poster-worthy phrases of disgusting optimism that all seem to vary only slightly from “If you think you are a winner then you will be a winner”). I’m not sure if someone is ghost-tweeting or maintaining his MLBlog for him, but given that both media are updated pretty often and that many of his tweets are about food, I’m willing to give Tommy himself full credit.
I’d like, also, to give Tommy full credit for living with great vigor, eating until his arms are tired and tucking in his jersey to his uniform pants like it’s a good idea. He denies the grip of death so audaciously that he is able to assume that a man fifteen years younger than him is dead:
It has come to my attention that Jimmy Wynn is not dead. Sorry for the error. Hey, not even Babe Ruth batted 1.000.
— Tommy Lasorda (@TommyLasorda) March 12, 2012
The FanGraphs crew is in beautiful, sunny, and warm Phoenix, Arizona. They’re watching spring training baseball, drinking brews, and doing what they do best: being unapologetic nerds.
Me, I’m stuck in freezing-ass-cold Toronto, chained to my frigging desk, and bitter about it. But I’ve been following the gang’s exploits on Twitter:
Because, at NotGraphs, we know what the public wants, we recently published in these pages a photo of former Giant and Pirate and Philly John Bowker holding an eel.
Because we continue to know what the public wants — i.e. images of baseball players interacting with marine life — we have embedded below these words a photo tweeted by Twins reliever Glen Perkins of Twins reliever Glen Perkins holding a shark.
Please believe me when I announce that, if this brings even one second of joy to just one reader, that my life — itself shrouded in meaninglessness — will be slightly less shrouded in meaninglessness.
Ozzie Guillen, provoking provocateur, prokoves via Joe Capozzi’s Twitter …
While I have no particular problem with Bed, Bath & Beyond — and in fact I once purchased a lovely dryer-vent brush from them — I would absolutely rather drink than be there. This is not a particularly distinguishing characteristic — after all, I would rather drink than be anywhere, save for a bar — but it is true.
So take that, cruel world.
When Trevor Plouffe updated us on Joe Mauer circa 2012, I knew something had gone horribly wrong. Here’s my depiction of the sentiment therein.
Do y’all think vampirism is a PED?
Earlier today, equally (a) dapper and (b) deceased gent Old Hoss Radbourn proposed the settings for a fantasy league that would most honor the achievement that was his base-and-ball career.
Because we at NotGraphs are 110% dedicated to honoring achievements, the present author used his internetting skills to embed Hoss’s tweet for the benefit of our wide readership. Because we at NotGraphs are also dedicated to “expending minimal effort,” said tweet was accompanied by literally six words.
Since that post, however, I’ve done a lot of thinking. Most of that thinking has been about how irresistible I must be — like, in a sexual way — while working out at the gym. Some of that thinking, however, has concerned how maybe I should’ve put more than, like, seven seconds of work into something that could so very clearly change the course of human history.
Yahoo! allows the following fantasy base ball categories: Wins, CG, IP, Shutouts, Hit batters. Time to create an Old Hoss League. Who is in?
— Old Hoss Radbourn (@OldHossRadbourn) February 20, 2012
CC: Every author at RotoGraphs.
