The convention floor is adorned with slaughtered beasts, which is a sure sign that the nomination process, in addition to our notions of human dignity, has expired. Leather Tuscadero, our honorary Maximum Culminating Exchequer, has surveyed the pool of nominees and whittled the list down to 10 finalists, all of whom have been deemed loyal to Dear Leader. So vote, but vote as though a 1975 Chrysler Cordoba is watching you. Because a a 1975 Chrysler Cordoba is absolutely watching you …

Thank you for exercising the franchise.

What we do is assign cool nicknames to players rather than perpetuate the tired, lamewad practice of assigning cool players nicknames. Last time out, Dan Uggla was lushly rewarded with the nickname “Stainless Steel Meat Hammer.” So Mr. Uggla has been added to our Hall of Honouur, which is so stately, so regal, so much itself a celebration of the Norman Conquest, that an extra British-English unstressed “u” is required for proper spelling …

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On the meat-strewn convention floor, everything is decided by a mere preponderance, which, by design, lends itself to social discord and raised fists in the streets of America, which, in turn, leads to an agitated police force, which, in turn, leads to slaughterous crackdowns, which in turn delights the ruling class. And so it is with the nomination hootenanny for “Stainless Steel Meat Hammer.” The piles of dead speak to the rigors of the process, though, being dead, they speak not at all.

Nonetheless the Maximum Culminating Exchequer — the Maximum Culminating Sexchequer — has vetted the list and culled it for the betterment of the State. You may select, at great personal peril, from the following 10 names. So who, expendable citizens, shall be nicknamed “Stainless Steel Meat Hammer”?

Thank you for exercising the franchise.

What we do is assign cool nicknames to players rather than perpetuate the tired, lamewad practice of assigning cool players nicknames. Last time out, Jon Rauch seized the nickname “The Call Is Coming From Inside the House“. So Mr. Rauch has been added to our Hall of Honouur, which is so stately, so regal, so much itself a celebration of the Norman Conquest, that an extra British-English unstressed “u” is required for proper spelling …

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The nomination process — the bloody, gristly, indisputably felonious nomination process — is done. And our appointed and empowered and empaneled think tank, The Institute for the Right-Wise and Permissible, has winnowed the list down to 10 names, each of which is right-wise and permissible. So vote correctly, lest a stew be made of your loins and children …

Thank you for exercising the franchise, dead man.

What we do is assign cool nicknames to players rather than perpetuate the tired, lamewad practice of assigning cool players nicknames. Last time out, Nyjer Morgan laid authoritative claim to the nickname “Dionysus with Rabies“. So Mr. Morgan has been added to our Hall of Honouur, which is so stately, so regal, so much itself a celebration of the Norman Conquest, that an extra British-English unstressed “u” is required for proper spelling …

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The nominating ’tis done. The Presidium for Patriotic Arrangements has vetted and culled the list of nominees down to the 10 deemed most loyal to the Party. From these names you shall choose, and you shall do so with a reverence befitting your assigned caste. Vote carefully, citizens, for the nickname “Dionysus with Rabies” is at stake …

Now back to work with you.

What we do is assign cool nicknames to players rather than perpetuate the tired, lamewad practice of assigning cool players nicknames. Last time out, Zack Greinke narrowly edged out Sam Fuld for the honor of being called “Science or Bravery?“. So Mr. Greinke has been added to our Hall of Honouur, which is so stately, so regal, so much itself a celebration of the Norman Conquest, that an extra British-English unstressed “u” is required for proper spelling …

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The nomination process, which is not unlike an Iowa Caucus of undaunted clap sufferers, is complete, and the Committee for Acceptable Outcomes has pared the list down to 10. At stake — at dirty stake — is the nickname, “Science or Bravery?”

As always, if you are not prepared to vote in accordance with the wishes of the Utmost Culminating Exchequer, then please report to the nearest mass grave. Forthwith!

Thank for you exercising the franchise.

Our ongoing quest, in the manner of a noble knight-errant, is to assign cool nicknames to players rather than indulge in the tired, lamewad paradigm of assigning cool players nicknames. Last time out? Joba Chamberlain was rebranded as “Gargoyle O’Boyle.” So Mr. Chamberlain has been added to our Hall of Honouur, which is so stately, so regal, so much itself a celebration of the Norman Conquest, that an extra British-English unstressed “u” is required for proper spelling …

“Bad Miracle” – Wily Mo Peña
“Captain Black Tobacco” – John Danks
“$45 Couch” – Yuniesky Betancourt
“Liván Hernández” – Liván Hernández
“Frog in the Pot” – Carlos Zambrano
“Aqua Velva Man” – Chase Utley
“Victorian Sex Rebel” – John Axford
“Good, Round Friend” – Prince Fielder
“I Am Not Afraid of You and I Will Beat Your Ass” – Kyle Farnsworth
“Interrobang” – Adrián Beltré
“Turbaconducken” – Ty Wigginton
“Hot Lettuce” – Jeff Mathis
“Gargoyle O’Boyle” – Joba Chamberlain

And the nickname now hanging in the balance? It’s “Science or Bravery?”!

Denotations, Connotations, Implications, Intimations, and Incriminations:

Via this thread over at BTF comes this tale of Germany Schaefer and his maximum nobility:

One day Schaefer saved the day with a one-handed catch of a line drive over first. Amidst the cheers Schaefer demanded, “Was that science or bravery?”

“Bravery, of course, Germany, bravery,” answered a leather lunged fan.

“Then salute your hero,” demanded Herman. Instantly, as one, the bleachers crowd arose, doffing their hats.

So, as you may have surmised, the player who shall be nicknamed “Science or Bravery?” is one whose unthinkable, impossible exploits prompt you to ask of yourself, your subjects or the heavens above: “Was that science or bravery?”

Prototypes from Baseball’s Gauzy Past:

Anyone generous with base-and-ball miracles certainly qualifies. Babe Ruth, Rickey Henderson, Bob Feller, Sandy Koufax, Bob Gibson, Mike Laga. It can be someone who is very good at baseball and thus, by dint of science or bravery, leaves the appreciator in a state of constant guffaw. It can be someone who is not great in the least but nonetheless offers up, on a shockingly regular basis, small moments of abracadabra. “Science,” you might say of him. “All of this is owing to science.”

“No,” someone else might say of him. “‘Tis bravery.”

Guiding, Determinative Query:

What current major-league player should be nicknamed “Science or Bravery?”?

The convention floor, which is filled with quite a lot of science but decidedly little bravery, is open for nominations …