Nickname Seeks Player: “Soft Corinthian Leather”

What we do is assign cool nicknames to players rather than perpetuate the tired, lamewad practice of assigning cool players nicknames. Last time out, Dan Uggla was lushly rewarded with the nickname “Stainless Steel Meat Hammer.” So Mr. Uggla has been added to our Hall of Honouur, which is so stately, so regal, so much itself a celebration of the Norman Conquest, that an extra British-English unstressed “u” is required for proper spelling …

“Bad Miracle” – Wily Mo Peña
“Captain Black Tobacco” – John Danks
“$45 Couch” – Yuniesky Betancourt
“Liván Hernández” – Liván Hernández
“Frog in the Pot” – Carlos Zambrano
“Aqua Velva Man” – Chase Utley
“Victorian Sex Rebel” – John Axford
“Good, Round Friend” – Prince Fielder
“I Am Not Afraid of You and I Will Beat Your Ass” – Kyle Farnsworth
“Interrobang” – Adrián Beltré
“Turbaconducken” – Ty Wigginton
“Hot Lettuce” – Jeff Mathis
“Gargoyle O’Boyle” – Joba Chamberlain
“Science or Bravery?” – Zack Greinke
“Dionysus with Rabies” – Nyjer Morgan
“The Call Is Coming From Inside the House” – Jon Rauch
“Stainless Steel Meat Hammer” – Dan Uggla

And the nickname now hanging in the balance? It’s “Soft Corinthian Leather”!

Denotations, Connotations, Implications, Intimations, and Incriminations:

There is “soft corinthian leather,” and then there is “Soft Corinthian Leather.” The latter is what becomes of the former when Ricardo Montalbon turns the phrase and in doing so makes love to the listener:

So the player whom we shall name “Soft Corinthian Leather” is the kind of man whose essence or perhaps shorn hide could be used to appoint a 1975 Chrysler Cordoba. He is the kind of man upon whom Ricardo Montalbon would sit and then bask in the priceless confidence that comes from having sat on Soft Corinthian Leather.

Prototypes from Baseball’s Gauzy Past:

This player has good skin — skin of the quality, texture and sexual luxury necessary to upholster the sliding bench seats of a 1975 Chrysler Cordoba. Like Scott Erickson or Mike Piazza. Or unlike Boileryard Clarke or Hank Sauer. This is also the kind of player who, it seems, wouldn’t at all mind being an aftermarket addition to the 1975 Chrysler Cordoba, even if it meant a painful demise in a Michigan tannery. Like, say, Hawk Harrelson:

Guiding, Determinative Query:

What current major-league player, because he is his essence, should be nicknamed “Soft Corinthian Leather”?

The convention floor, which is found in the Grand Ballroom of the Holiday Inn Express out by the airport, is open for nominations …