Smooth like milk.

Maybe you’re wondering about Melky Cabrera even though his trade to the Giants has been thoroughly dissected. But, you’re wondering about, well, you’re wondering about his name. You know about his game. Where did he get that name? What does it mean.

Here are ten random (and slightly randy) thoughts about his name:

1) Melky is short for Melquiades.
2) The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada is a pretty good movie.
3) Melquiades means “Rey por la gracia de Dios.”
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Welcome back to that time of year when we pretend we can predict the future. All rankings subject to change.

1. Rodney Crandall, 2B
The Good: Crandall’s your typical Ryne-Sandberg-meets-Candice-Bergen second baseman, with a huge swing, big elbows, and the glove of a tiger. His ability to put three bats in his mouth at once is legendary. Despite no feet, last season he stole nearly every base.
The Bad: He’s a mass murderer, set for trial in December.
Perfect World Projection: He beats the charges, and comes back to bash his opponents’ heads in, setting him up for another murder trial and then a big debut in 2014.
Scout’s Incoherent Ramblings: “Crandall likes to eat yogurt, if you know what I mean.”

2. Jacob Loring, SP
The Good: Loring throws seven kinds of fastballs and four different sliders, making his games a real chore for the folks in the booth. He also has three glass eyes and is originally from space.
The Bad: He’s been dead for thirteen years.
Perfect World Projection: Biomedical technology takes a leap forward and Loring is back on the mound come spring. Ace potential, if he’s able to regain a pulse.
Scout’s Incoherent Ramblings: “I once saw him eat a coffee table and spit out the nails. Tough kid.”

3. Gordon Clyde, C
The Good: Good hands, tight mask, four teeth. Sprays line segments to every field, and isn’t afraid to touch the foul pole. Can see him as a Steve Carlton Fisk type, with a little bit of Catfish Hunter Pence in there.
The Bad: Mitochondrial disorder means he can’t grip a bat or throw a ball.
Perfect World Projection: Again, biomedical technology is the key. But once we overcome that hurdle, it’s smooth sailing to the big leagues.
Scout’s Incoherent Ramblings: “Reminds me of my wife. My second wife, I think. Or maybe that was my daughter. It all gets a little hazy sometimes.”

4. Sammy Hernandez, OF
The Good: Swims just like a ballplayer. Knows how to count backwards from 100, and can even do it with his eyes closed. Long swing, but short fingers, so it all balances out. Soft feet. Big ears.
The Bad: Utterly and completely incontinent.
Perfect World Projection: Another one relying on biomedical technology to secure a profitable future. But if he can stop dripping urine wherever he goes, he has the potential to be a difference-maker.
Scout’s Incoherent Ramblings: “Hate him. Don’t know why, maybe it’s because I never met him. But I can’t stand that kid.”

5. Greg Rossi, 3B
The Good: In a system loaded with lefties, his ambidextrous skill set is the perfect fit. He’s the tallest player in organized baseball, at 8-foot-4, and has the belly button to match.
The Bad: He’s bulimic.
Perfect World Projection: He’ll recover from his eating disorder to take his place at the Hot Corner. Hey, he might even become the next George Brett Lawrie Metcalf over there.
Scout’s Incoherent Ramblings: “I got so messed up last night at Foxwoods that I don’t even remember whether I’m a baseball scout or a guy who does color commentary for ballerina recitals on public access cable television.”

Best of the Rest:
6. Sanjay Gupta
7. Ruth Bader Ginsburg
8. Mr. Mister
9. Gary Sinise
10. Bryce Harper

We weren’t all born as beautiful as Gabe Kapler. But we were born better looking than the ugly ones, so we can get a little happiness from the downward social comparison that is picking the All Ugly Team.

Also, let’s be clear. Your faithful correspondent is placing himself as the bench coach of this team. Ugly enough to belong, but not ugly enough to lead the team. Plus, we know that God Loves Ugly, so there’s that. And! I’ve never played a second of organized ball for a dime, so they have all got something on me, and most of you I presume.

But we can still have a little fun with this, can’t we?

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Dick Pole and Rusty Kuntz just came out with their position by position rankings of players with the best porn names from the 2011 season. The competition was especially tough in the outfield and among pitchers.

C: Dusty Brown
1B: Justin Smoak
2B: Nick Punto
SS: J.J. Hardy
3B: Justin Turner
LF: Lance Berkman
CF: Drew Stubbs
RF: Willie Harris

Starting Pitchers:
Phil Hughes
Doug Fister
R.A. Dickey
Josh Johnson
Chien-Ming Wang

Relief Pitchers:
Nathan Adcock
Charlie Furbush
John Danks
Kameron Loe
The Wood Brothers Triple Teamers (Kerry, Travis and Blake)

In my last post, I gave you my early picks in each league for the extremely uncoveted Least Valuable Player award. Today we take a look at my Top 4 picks in each league for the equally uncoveted Sigh Young Award, honoring those courageous men who put their elbows, shoulders, and faces on the line every day for your entertainment.

Let’s jump right in.

AL Sigh Young:

1. Brad Penny 

While Brad Penny’s inability to get strikeouts (3.74 K/9) doesn’t do him any favors against Major League hitters, it has apparently been a blessing in his dealings with members of the opposite sex. If she is in showbusiness and she is attractive, Brad Penny has probably been with her at some point.

I don’t understand it. He’s Brad freakin’ Penny. Which is to say: they can’t be with him because of his pitching abilities and they can’t be with him because of his looks (unless he has cornered to market on women who are into guys that look like ogres). There must be some piece of this puzzle that is missing. Fangraphs has a stat called E-F, which measures the difference between a pitcher’s ERA and FIP — a shorthand way of determining whether a pitcher has been lucky or unlucky. I would like to propose a new stat: E-D, or, ERA minus desirability of the pitcher’s significant other (on a 1-10 scale with 1 being most desirable and 10 being least desirable). Brad Penny currently has a 4.07 E-D. Brad Penny is getting extremely lucky. This run is almost certainly unsustainable.

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It has recently come to the author’s attention that, rather than producing actual content, it might be preferable to pass judgment on other people’s content, and then to assemble those judgments into one easily digestible rankings list.

In this edition of Lists and Rankings, we continue our furious pursuit of the Lowest Common Denominator — namely, this time, by reproducing below the day’s headlines which might most easily be conceived as having sexual undertones. Note how the author has included one or two lines’ worth of pithy commentary, lest you find yourself under the impression that absolutely zero effort was expended in the creation of this bloggiest of blog posts. Note also the hilarious use of the words reproducing and conceived in the first sentence of this paragraph.

10. San Francisco Giants: Blah Blah Blah Playoff Push, Bleacher Report
Not a Salt-n-Pepa song, turns out.

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As I noted last week in a FanGraphs post aimed both at the heart and the head, Baseball America recently released its Best Tools issue. For those who possess an unhealthy fascination with the hairless youths that populate minor-league baseball, the Best Tools issue represents an opportunity to learn which of those youths precisely owns the best power or best defense or best fastball in each respective league — and in the major leagues, too.

The problem, of course, is that the majority of BA’s readership is concerned with things like “facts” — which (i.e. facts), while interesting for a period, eventually begin to pall.

We at NotGraphs are concerned not with facts — what legendary filmmaker and frightening dinner companion Werner Herzog refers to as the “accountant’s truth” — but rather ecstatic truth. That is, the truth that ought to be true.

Thus, we thusly present the following: a hastily assembled, and totally unsupported, list of the “tools” most relevant to the ordinary fan, just sitting at home on his couch, thinking unkempt thoughts about Sofia Vergara and liniment.

Note that all dissent will fall on deaf ears — or, at least, the one deaf ear that the author sustained during a swimming accident as a 7-year-old. The same author will gladly accept any and all notes, however — especially if it allows him (read: me) to squeeze another short post out of this thinnest of pretenses.

To the truth, in no order whatsoever:

Best Mustache/Beard Situation: Travis Snider

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It has recently come to the author’s attention that, rather than producing actual content, it might be preferable to pass judgment on other people’s content, and then to assemble those judgments into one easily digestible rankings list. It’s what is commonly referred to as a “win-win” situation, on account of said rankings require minimal labor and drive traffic more effectively than other articles that deal in things like “nuance” and “subtlety.”

In this edition of Lists and Rankings, we cast our judge-y eye towards today’s most most well-written headlines. Note how the author has included one or two lines’ worth of pithy commentary, lest you find yourself under the impression that absolutely zero effort was expended in the creation of this bloggiest of blog posts.

5. Consider the Bullpen Hole Filled, Disciples of Uecker
It seems like it’s about sex. But it’s not about sex. But maybe it is about sex. Or not. (It is… not.)

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