This has been One Childish Possibility for Greg Maddux’s HOF Cap.
Important Update: Twitter-user to the stars Ryan Dunsmore has graced us with an artist’s rendering of Maddux’s plaque donning such attire. Observe:
It is not the reader’s concern what specific question I was moved to ask Mademoiselle Google — a question regarding perhaps the human condition and or the author’s current straits. What is of interest is that Mademoiselle Google anticipated the query to come. She was incorrect in her anticipations, but they cast light upon what shall henceforth be known as “The Four Hot Mysteries”:
The call is coming from inside the house? To that I would say, “The Cubs are inside the Internet.”
Also, to answer The Four Hot Mysteries above:
1- In either case, to what end?
2- There is no place that does not see you.
3- Sometimes.
4- Four.
This sort of thing is precisely the reason I typically use HotBot.
Sorry for the late notice, fair NotGraphs readers, but if you are in the vicinity of my truck this evening, I’m hosting an impromptu NotGraphs meetup. See, I planned on watching tonight’s Wild Card game at my house on my TV, but I got in a little bit of a tiff with the old ball and chain about a totally misinterpreted text message from her SECOND cousin. Things got out of hand, as it happens.
But, this will not stop me from enjoying what is promising to be a great pitching matchup and an exciting playoff game. And since my schedule has cleared up quite a bit, I figured I’d invite some of my adoring fans to watch as well. Trust me, this is not some sort of needing-to-be-surrounded-by-people-because-I-shouldn’t-be-alone-right-now situations. I’m doing great, you guys.
We won’t have a TV, but I will have Postseason.TV playing on my iPad. It’s an iPad Mini, so things might get a little tight, but it’s really more about the hang, right guys? Also, I’ve run into a bit of a cash flow problem right now. I need to move some money around, and, at the moment, am fairly cash poor. So if you could supply some beverages, that would be great. Make sure to get there early as space is limited, and the shocks on the truck are kind of shot so there’s a weight restriction as well.
When: 7:00 pm CT.
Where: The back of my 2000 Chevy Silverado
Confirmed attendees:
David Temple (NotGraphs/FanGraphs that one time)
My labradoodle Jeff (He’s hypoallergenic and totally chill)
Whatever belongings I could grab before my wife changed the locks.
Just some beers, buds, and baseball. What could be better?
As per usual, MLB.TV subscribers won’t have the access to network broadcasts for postseason games that they had for regular season games. What MLB.TV offers in place of said is “alternate angle companion coverage” to the more proprietary MLB Network and TBS broadcasts; of these angles, Postseason.TV subscribers can watch four simultaneously.
For those of you who don’t already have cable television subscriptions, Postseason.TV is a relatively cost-effective option for viewing hot postseason action — but it can also be frustrating. That is why NotGraphs, ever purveyors of fan-pleasures, has developed NotGraphs NotTechnologies™ to enhance your sensory enjoyment of the 2013 MLB Playoffs.
Simply by installing a few simple web browser plugins, you, dear NotGraphs readers, can turn an underwhelming Postseason.TV experience into an absurdist baseballing extravaganza! Behold your many options:
Pedro has joined the TBS broadcast team for the 2013 postseason, but the Pedro Martinez HairCam™ is only available through NotGraphs NotTechnologies™.
Very jheri.
Obscure the Postseason.TV static camera angle of your choice with luxurious jheri curls by applying the Pedro Martinez HairCam™! Choose from several eras of Pedro coiffure!
Good news! You are only 24 hours (plus five business days for standard shipping) from eating this:
The Albert Belle Bar, a concoction of crisp rice covered in rich, milk chocolate, made rancid by eighteen years of oxidation and disappointment.
Note, of course, that you will have to outbid the rest of the world: its insatiable gourmands, seeking a new thrill after dabbling in coelacanth and human hamstring, the chemists seeking to disintegrate it and sprinkle its essence onto fugu and kale chips, and the secret militias who will stockpile them with the other chemical weapons underground in steel chambers, awaiting the coming anarchy.
But you will vanquish them all. You will unwrap that shiny wrapper, taking care not to tear Albert’s face, and take a bite of that forbidden treasure, whereupon it will assault your tastebuds like a poorly-placed cameraman. And you will know what living truly is.
It will not be enough, of course; existence never is. Soon you’ll find yourself staring at the monitor, eyes bloodshot, at two in the morning, refreshing eBay to find the Pronk Bar with a Buy It Now listing. But that’s tomorrow. For now, gather your rosebuds while ye may.
On August 21st, 2013, Ichiro Suzuki knocked his 4,000th professional hit. What happened after is best described by Grant Brisbee of SB Nation:
There is a mini-controversy about Ichiro’s 4,000th hit.
Clarification: There is a dumb mini-controversy about Ichiro’s 4,000th hit. On one side, there are the people who think it’s pretty neat that Ichiro has collected 4,000 hits between Japan and the majors.
On the other side, there are people who are upset that other people think it’s pretty neat. Because some of those hits weren’t in the majors, which nullifies the “neat” and makes the round number uninteresting, I guess? Look, I don’t know.
I feel like this sums it up pretty perfectly. Brisbee goes on to do some projections about what Ichiro might have done had he played his whole career in MLB, but I don’t want to even go that far.
To me, 4,000 is less of a landmark as it is a reminder. It’s a reminder that though this player may now be a bit of a shell of himself at 39, the whole of him, the complete Ichiro was and is a dynamic player that changed a lot about the game. I would link clips to some of his highlights, but that’s not needed right now. His great throws, his great catches, his tremendous base running plays are still in your heads. Even if you don’t remember the exact play, you can picture the type of play because you still know what type of player Ichiro was. There will be a slew of highlight reels when Ichiro finally retires. For now, I’ll just present this one:
I’m not that great at lip reading, but I’m pretty sure I picked out a few phrases:
Again, I’m not the best lip reader, but I’m pretty sure she didn’t say:
None of us deserve Ichiro, and he will soon be gone. To paraphrase a song: Dig him up and shake his hand. Appreciate the man.
This correspondence comes from the 43rd annual SABR convention in Philadelphia, PA. Earlier this morning, I watched a panel presentation titled “Imagining Baseball” which featured Eric Rolfe Greenberg, Steve Wulf, and Dr. Mark W. Cooper who are, at least in terms of baseball, famous for writing a baseball novel, being one of the original members of the Rotisserie League, and owning an expansive collection of baseball board games, respectively. The whole shebang was moderated by Baseball’s Grandpa, John Thorn. It was engaging to hear people discuss how baseball is played in their head, especially considering that so much of baseball is played in our heads. If we listen, we are creating the space. If we read a recap of some kind, even more so. Even watching a game, we may be predicting or wishing the next play, or perhaps recounting what could have happened. It’s just as much mental as it is visual or audible, perhaps even more so.
1. A Home Run
2. A Stolen Base
3. An Umpire
4. A Good Catch
5. A Team Lose
6. A Bunt
7. A Manager Get Ejected
8. An Infield
9. A Team Win
10. A Pitcher
11. A Double Play
12. A Baseball
13. A Baseball Bat
14. A Batter
If you don’t follow Carson Cistulli on Twitter:
1. Good call.
2. You may not have seen that the current author has single-handedly legitimized NotGraphs.
As it happens, I have video evidence of actual Major League Baseball player Rajai Davis reading a post that your’s truly made for the very site you are viewing at this moment. No more will NotGraphs be known as a holding cell for mediocrity and Internet grab-ass. We are done simply being an oasis for underpaid semi-professionals and rudderless ne’er-do-wells. No more will Jeff Sullivan refer to us as “motherless mama’s boys.” We are NotGraphs. We have purpose. We are the world of the World Wide Web.
Thank yous go to the MLB Fan Cave for apparently making this happen, Mr. Davis for making my day, and most importantly to me for making NotGraphs a thing people cared about for even a minute.
God bless you all, and God bless David G Temple.
At times and perforce, the homilist’s greatest rhetorical device is knowing when to fall silent and allow the miracles to unfurl in that silence, like an abundant dong released from its underthings. Now is such a time . . .
Mitzvah Chaps is very proud to announce that Dayn Perry — husband, father, dog owner, sports writer, practicing Catholic, non-proselytizing vegetarian, Mississippi native, Chicago resident, zealous and abiding fan of the St. Louis Cardinals, and creator of at least one ugly-ass weblog — and I have collaborated to make a chapbook of Dayn’s writings entitled Drinking with Boileryard Clarke: Dayn Perry Celebrates Himself & Baseball. Dayn made all the writings, I did the arranging of said writings into pages, then printed, collated, and assembled the pages and a cover into a chapbook.
Covers by Daniel Rolf. All other filth by Dayn Perry.
Info:
This is now a real object that you can hold in your hands. Check out the Table of Contents, and a spread from the book.
It is a peculiar object, too, perhaps, given that all of the writings contained in Drinking with Boileryard Clarke (save for the author’s introduction) have previously appeared at this very internet, and are still, to this moment, available for viewing at this internet. So why make a chapbook, then, you might ask.