Last June, NotGraphs released exclusive footage of the Phillie Phanatic having his way with a young human woman at Philadelphia’s Citizens Bank Park.

Indications are that the incident in question was not, as previously suspected, an isolated one. Today, in fact, NotGraphs has uncovered video believed to be from 1986 that, while grainy, clearly depicts the Phanatic abducting a Philadelphia-area woman, from her home, via the television.

A call to the Philadelphia Phillies was not returned. More on this story as it develops.

Freddie Freeman’s a hugger. You can tell. Dan Uggla knows it. That’s why he’s gently placed his right hand on Freeman’s head. Freeman even uses leg. He’s getting his. He’s Freddie Freeman.

When reached for comment via email by our intrepid Investigative Reporting Investigation Team, Freeman, much to our surprise, replied (emphasis his):

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The following comes to us from NotGraphs reader Brian Reinhart — a gentleman’s gentleman, and a nerd’s nerd. By now, I trust you’re all familiar with FanGraphs: The Game. If you’re not, I’ll wait. Brian will, too; he’s polite like that. Anyway, Mr. Reinhart is reporting — and our Investigative Reporting Investigation Team has confirmed this — that a “grittily rebooted edition” of The Game is about to be released. And, well, he had us at “grittily.” Inspiring work, Mr. Reinhart. Thank you.

We are pleased to announce that, following the success of FanGraphs: The Game, beta testing has completed on a grittily rebooted edition, and FanGraphs: The Game: Washington Nationals DL Edition is ready for the fantasy-sporting, slightly-too-macabre public. The rules, as ever, are simple:

1. Every week, participants choose one member of the Washington Nationals whom they believe will make a trip to the disabled list, and specify the injury type.
2. Participants earn 10 points for every accurate prediction, as well as 5 points for specifying the correct injury type but the incorrect player, and 3 points for identifying an injured player but forecasting the wrong affliction.
3. It is possible to earn 5 points for accurately predicting a setback to a previously-DLed player.

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Before the existence of the NotGraphs Investigative Reporting Investigation Team, what happened in the Texas Rangers dugout, stayed in the Texas Rangers dugout. No more.

Joe Nathan: You nasty.

H/T: DAILY DOSE OF BASEBALL. Yes, in all caps.

Minneapolis — Considerable speculation has flooded the internet blogs regarding Albert Pujols’s motives for throwing his glove at Angels teammate Erick Aybar following the club’s 6-2 victory over the Twins on Wednesday (box).

In point of fact, the NotGraphs Investigative Reporting Investigation Team has learned that the gesture was in response to an ongoing argument the pair have regarding the utility of deconstructionist thought.

“Pujols, he doesn’t recognize the internal contradictions of philosophical discourse,” Aybar said when reached for comment. “The moment we attempt to utilize rhetoric in the service of describing metaphysical reality, we have obscured reality.

Said Pujols in response: “I regard Aybar’s claims only as an attempt to deliberately obscure discourse and nothing else. He argues against language until it no longer exists.

“So how I do refute him? I throw my glove. ‘Deconstruct that,’ I said. Q.E.D.”

Are you wondering what Toronto Blue Jays right-hander Sergio Santos is doing whilst on the Disabled List?

Well, the NotGraphs infamous and dowdy Investigative Reporting Investigation Team has been hot on the trail of the erstwhile closer, and has discovered that Santos is the namesake of the Andrew WK-owned Santos Party House club/venue/lounge in lower Manhattan. During his recovery, Santos been hobnobbing with AWK at various of the club’s events:

“We are your mother-father, we are your final friend…”

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So today I realized/learned that Detroit Tigers manager Jim Leyland is 67 years old. Seriously? Just 67? Look at this guy:

Stunned by my discovery, I did what any sane person would do: I expressed my shock and dismay to the approximately two dozen sad, lonely souls and spambots who follow me on Twitter.

Wait, Jim Leyland is only 67 years old?

— Matt Klaassen (@devil_fingers) May 8, 2012

America’s response tells us something about something, I tell you what.

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Off an arm, off one very unlucky sonofabitch’s, uh, you know what, and into a poor woman’s unsuspecting face. I mean, seriously, what are the odds? Helluva journey for that baseball. I hope some kid ended up with it. I believe in happy endings.

The woman, when reached for comment by the NotGraphs Investigative Reporting Investigation Team this morning, had only this to say, by email:

“No glove, no love.”

Indeed.

Addendum: It’s come to my attention that this was actually a Brandon Inge home run. Either way, it doesn’t matter. Except that the title was wrong, so I’ve changed it.

H/T: Reddit user jeanpaulfartre.

Over the weekend, Mark Reynolds had six hits in 11 official at-bats. Three of those hits were doubles. Two of them were home runs. Reynolds scored four runs, and drove in six, in Baltimore’s sweep of Boston. He even stole a base. Perhaps most unbelievable of all, Reynolds struck out only twice, while walking five times. Mark Reynolds. Walked five times. Four times in one game, actually. Sure, the game lasted 17 innings, but, you say “w-O-B-A,” pronouncing each and every letter distinctly, while I say “wOBA,” pronounced “Whoa-bah.” The point is: Reynolds walked five times. And three of those four walks on Sunday came in the game’s first six innings. Let’s be honest: The Red Sox deserve to be in last place.

But Reynolds’ finest accomplishment of the weekend came Friday night, when, after his third inning solo home run off of Jon Lester, he left his manager, the inspiring Buck Showalter, hanging. GIF of the year. No doubt about it.

Now, we were going to send in our award-winning Investigative Reporting Investigation Team to, you know, investigate, until I realized that The Baltimore Sun’s Investigative Reporting Investigation Team — yes, they’ve got one too — was already all over the story.

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Brian McCann is the hard-hitting catcher for the Atlanta Braves. Arn Anderson once teamed with Tully Blanchard to haunt the squared circle and our dreams. Both are Gentlemen of Verona. They are also quite possibly the same man …

In the upper left of the abovely embedded image, you see Arn Anderson dressed up like Brian McCann. Mr. Anderson has gone so far as to dress himself in baseball woolies and surround himself with central-casting teammates. He points menacingly at the opposition, which is what wrestlers are wont to do. Why is he going to such lengths and depths? Because he might as well be Brian McCann.

In the bottom right of the abovely embedded image, you see Brian McCann adopting the buffalo stance known as “Looking Like Arn Anderson.” Observe his hairy, sweaty skin the color of hamster bedding. Admire his championship belt, which signifies, by turns, the rewards of valor and or deeds of a dirty nature already done. Why is Brian McCann going to such lengths to look like Arn Anderson? Because he might as well be Arn Anderson.

This has been the zipper- and latex-clad, becocked work of the NotGraphs Investigative Reporting Investigation Team.