“It is a truth universally acknowledged,” Jane Austen once wrote, “that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of an impossibly elegant and sophisticated Franco-Italian heiress who is also a former supermodel.”

Milwaukee Brewer outfielder Ryan Braun, known to be a great admirer of Austen’s work, clearly agrees, as indicated by this totally undoctored image (courtesy the NotGraphs Investigative Reporting Investigation Team) of Braun and French first lady Carla Bruni walking hand-in-hand in front of people whose lives are less important than theirs.

The timing of the episode is notable, as Bruni’s husband, French president Nicolas Sarkozy, enters Sunday’s elections about eight percentage points behind Socialist candidate Francois Hollande.

More on this story as it develops.

The NotGraphs Investigative Reporting Investigation Team recently stumbled upon some exciting news for Blue Jays fans who are still smarting from the loss of hope that Toronto-born Joey Votto – who recently signed a $200 million+ contract extension with the Cincinnati Reds – would sign for a few million loonies to play with the Jays once he hit free agency.

The Blue Jays front office is gearing up to throw millions and millions of dollars at free agents during the 2012-13 off-season. How is this possible, you might ask? The Jays have discovered a new (and seemingly massive) source of revenue. No, it’s not a new television deal… or a licensing agreement with a sporting apparel company.

It’s hotdogs.

With this clear-cut winner of an idea we are certain that the club can count on at least an extra $30 million dollars to throw at the likes of Josh Hamilton, B.J. Upton, Zack Greinke, and Cole Hamels.

If the Blue Jays are looking to further dive into the supermarket wars, might I suggest one more item:

Clearly there is some money to be had in selling sardines.

(A special thank you goes to my wife who looked on with embarrassment while I photographed hotdogs and sardines at our local supermarket)

It has recently come to the attention of the NotGraphs Investigative Reporting Investigation Team that, in an effort to avoid the temptation of beer and chicken, the Boston Red Sox clubhouse started a competitive thumb wars league at the beginning of spring training.

Everything was going well – although fried chicken dealers in the Boston area were predicting a 17% drop in sales in 2012 – until starting pitcher Josh Beckett and new closer Andrew Bailey came down with right thumb injuries during their semifinal match of the clubhouse’s spring championship finale.

Said one unnamed member of Boston’s 40-man roster, “Bailey appeared to have the upper hand when Beckett attempted the Iranian Thumb Twist maneuver and it went horribly wrong.”

A highly-ranked Red Sox prospect in camp on a non-roster invite shook his head stating, “I’ll never watch thumb wars again the same way.”

According to a less-than-impressed front office official those within the clubhouse walls will never again utter the words: “One, two, three, four, I declare a thumb war.”

When the Chicago Cubs hired Theo Epstein, they unleashed a trade full of others.

“The Other Chris Carpenter” went to Boston and in return, the Cubs got “The Other Bogaerts” — marginal-at-best prospect Jair Bogaerts, the twin brother of the Red Sox top prospect, Xander Bogaerts.

Most likely, this is a first. But in another universe, there were other transactions involving the others:

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You think you know where you work. You think you know what FanGraphs is all about. And then you’re trolling google and this pops out of the old interweb machine.

FanGraphs: Purveyor of the Finest Coco Crisp News.

What about the Dark Overlord? Is he hiding something? How about the rest of our staff?

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“North Korean baseball players are the new market inefficiency.” — Dan Duquette

It took a while – sources were exhausted, as they say – but the NotGraphs Investigative Reporting Investigation Team has delivered, for your reading pleasure, an exclusive interview with Baltimore Orioles general manager Dan Duquette, about the international incident that was the signing of 17-year-old Kim Seong-min.

NotGraphs: Mr. Duquette, thanks for your time, and for taking our call. We appreciate it.

Dan Duquette: Who is this? How did you get this number?

NG: Let’s get right down to business: Kim Seong-min. Today, Baltimore Orioles scouts are banned from South Korea. What the hell, man?

DD: Look, it began innocently enough. All I asked for was Korean food for lunch. Some Bulgogi. I love Bulgogi.

NG: Me too. It’s delicious.

DD: I thought it would be good for morale, a company lunch, for the front office. You know, a big spread, we all sit down and break bread together. I passed the information down the ladder, and one of our interns was put in charge. The next thing I know, we’re eating Thai food for lunch, we’ve got a 17-year-old signed out of South Korea, and both the Korean Baseball Organization and the Korean Baseball Association are up my ass. Not to mention Bud Selig. Trust me, we had no intentions for this to blow up the way it did.

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The FanGraphs crew is in beautiful, sunny, and warm Phoenix, Arizona. They’re watching spring training baseball, drinking brews, and doing what they do best: being unapologetic nerds.

Me, I’m stuck in freezing-ass-cold Toronto, chained to my frigging desk, and bitter about it. But I’ve been following the gang’s exploits on Twitter:

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The Detroit Free Press is reporting today that Cy Young and MVP-award winner Justin Verlander will adorn the box of his very own cereal. Proceeds of Verlander’s Fastball Flakes, manufactured by Pittsburgh-based PLB Sports, will benefit VA Hospitals in Detroit and Ann Arbor.

What other designs did PLB consider before giving the go-ahead to Verlander’s cereal? Our Investigative Reporting Investigation Team has acquired that information, and shares it now with you, in easy-to-read English™.

Here are five baseball-themed cereals that PLB won’t be making:

Name: Tony Plush’s Cereal Grains for Gentlemen
Rejected Because: Manufacturers were concerned about public reaction to suggestion that single-malt scotch is “part of a complete breakfast.”

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We’ve seen how great access, paired with the newest analytics, can be the future of blogging. Ted Berg of SNY took the newest in catcher defense research to the park with him and talked it over with Mike Nickeas, the Mets’ backup catcher. David Laurila does this every day. The two pieces Ryan Campbell wrote about Brandon McCarthy and his pitching mix were also great examples of this.

But what happens when increased access leads to stories that are less favorable to the team in question? That describes the situation in New York right now, and it looks like the independent freelance blogger/journalist is the one that loses out when David meets Goliath.

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News broke on Thursday that star pitching man Zack Greinke will represent himself after dismissing his agent. It certainly seems like a bold move, but it’s not entirely unprecedented.

Remember ol’ Boots Poffenberger? The secret, unofficially anointed Hero of Notgraphs? Well not only is Poffenberger a straight-superior super such, but he also has a Wikipædia entry rife with delightful tales of debauchery, war, and regrettable decisions and heart-warming life-lessons.

What the entry lacks, however, is the details of Poffenberger’s self-representation, details which the Notgraphs Investigation Team unearthed and is presently sharing with world.

In Boots’s Wik entry, it notes: “After a strong rookie season, Boots held out for more money.” What it fails to point out is that Boots, who represented himself, also required several peculiar and highly specific clauses in his contract. They are as follows:
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