On the one hand, the equation that is the title of this post doesn’t really make sense. On the other hand, the author — owing to a lack of training in what many have taken to calling “physics” — doesn’t know that.

What the author does know is what side his bread is buttered on. And he also knows that, in addition to eating buttered bread, he likes to watch PYT Mike Stanton jack the hell out of some dongers — which, that’s precisely what Stanton did in the first and third innings, respectively, of Monday night’s contest between the Braves and Marlins.

The first homer, embedded above, is the sort that would be, in the parlance of a fictional Cleveland Indian fan, “too high” — if it weren’t also “too far,” that is. The second homer (below), while lacking the sheer loft of Stanton’s first, in fact traveled over 50 feet further than its predecessor.

You can watch both homers here, if you have time in your busy schedule. If you have even more time after that, you might consider writing the Great American Novel, with Mike Stanton as the protagonist.

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You should know two things about tonight’s Daguerreotype of the Evening. First, it moves. Second, it contains magic. Click and witness:

We already knew of A.J. Pierzynski’s dark ways, and now we know he treats the opposing catcher’s mask like a grinder’s wheel. As such, we can safely christen him “The Blacksmith.” Which has a slightly better flow to it than “Widely Disliked Spark-Maker.”

1) Actually, that title is somewhat of a misnomer. This first balk is, like, totally obvious.

Show #9 (Season 2)
“The Unnatural”
Larry’s softball team has a chance of winning the championship, but with their star player unavailable, Larry’s hopes of winning the coveted trophy might rest on Balki’s shoulders.

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Washington National righty Brad Peacock made his first major-league start Wednesday night — an appearance that was much anticipated by the present author, if by few others. The 23-year-old struck out over a third of the batters he faced in 98.2 innings this year at Double-A Harrisburg — a figure that dipped to a still totally fine 23.5% after a mid-season promotion to Triple-A Syracuse.

Having only ever seen Peacock while under the influence of good cheer (and, it should be said, fermented beverages) at the recent FanGraphs event in San Francisco, I was happy to watch him again on Wednesday (under the influence of only one of the aforementioned stimuli).

Peacock wasn’t overwhelming, walking three while striking out just two in five innings, but he did occasionally feature a curveball that one could reasonably describe as having “aphrodisiac properties.”

Both curveballs you see here are from the third inning. The first one, above, is to Josh Satin and features 8.4 inches of glove-side movement and a full 10 inches of drop — relative to the league averages of 5.8 and 6.0, respectively, for a curveball.

The second one, below, is less impressive in terms of overall movement — 6.8 inches of glove-side movement and 8.1 inches of drop — but more impressive in that the person swinging and missing at it is the very talented Jose Reyes.

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Long before he mastered the finer points of agriculture — and, if these history books are correct, even a couple of years before he discovered fire — man had considered deeply, and with great depth, the art of spitting.

Because it comes out of your mouth, is kinda gross, and you can do it onto your bros, spitting is fun. But don’t take my word for it — take Yankee catcher Russ Martin’s.

Held out of Sunday’s game in Anaheim due to a thumb injury, Martin used some of his free time to expectorate. Above, we see Martin practicing a classic, single-stream situation. Below, the Yankee experiments with what I believe would be called a “pulse” technique.

When asked about his skill, Martin replied by saying that he does birthdays and wedding — but mostly weddings, if you know what he means.

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Last night, in the second inning of the Giants-Padres game, San Franciscan Brett Pill hit his first major-league home run in what was — if you can frigging believe it, reader — his first major-league plate appearance.

There was a lot of what you might call joie de vivre, esprit de corps, and other useful French expressions unfolding up and down the length of the Giant dugout in the aftermath of little Brett Pill’s accomplishment.

Perhaps no one felt this joy so acutely, though, as Giant first baseman-cum-elder statesman Aubrey Huff, who, if appearances are to be believed, is, in fact, the birth father of the young Pill.

While there is no conclusive information as of yet regarding Huff’s paternity, the reader should know that our Investigative Reporting Investigation Team has recently acquired a DNA sample from Huff in what is frequently referred to as “the hard way.”

Since the last time we visited the NL Central through the prism of the animal kingdom, things have changed without actually changing all that much. By that I mean, the Cardinals enjoyed a spirits-buoying sweep in Milwaukee, but their odds of making all of this worth anyone’s while continue to hover around the stupid-face 1% mark. In other words, the Brewers are still going to win the NL Central despite this week’s happenings and at great hazard to the Republic.

With that said, those Brewers, presumptive and future NL Central champs, may have felt a little something recently. Clicky-click!

You shall win this thing that we both covet, Brewers, but you shall carry the wounds of war with you always.

(Playful bite: IHC)

In the comments section of a post from yesterday — one that drew a connection, via GIF, between Aramis Ramirez and the Lonely Island’s “Cool Guys Don’t Look at Explosions” — readers Resolution and DD noted that said GIF could be improved upon were it to include an actual, real-live explosion.

Reader Ross, who has some expertise in matters fiery, responded to this call with what I believe is known as “celerity.”

If Ross’s gesture doesn’t warm the cockles of every last readerly heart, then I don’t know from hot cockles.

The least you can do — if you’re wondering — is follow Ross’s Twitter account.

Via the championship Twitter feed of Erick William comes this, which is Carlos Gonzalez, nickname of “Cargo,” doing his finest imitation of actual, real-live cargo. Please click, embiggen and enjoy!

Hosannas! My only complaint is that this is more “dangerous payload” than mere cargo. We have a giant and possibly menacing baseball-ist rising from the sea and, from appearances, about to unleash misrule on the nearest unsuspecting port city. You take it from here, Bruckheimer.

I don’t consider myself a GIF wizard, but I certainly don’t need a Tome of GIF Spells to know when an event is GIF-worthy. Dayn Perry’s recently analogued fan interference play involving Justin Upton was just such an event. All that was missing from the scene: An exhortation to deal with said scene.

Cue GIF:

Apologies, apologies all around, for the long load time, but majesty is ill-rushed.