Archive for Discovery

Heard This: Other Pro Baseballers Using Fake Names


Believe it.

By now you’ve heard that legendary Marlins’ closer Leo Nunez (28) is actually Juan Carlos Oviedo (29). Eric Augenbraun has nicely filled in the details. It is a sad situation, and one hopes that Oviedo (who probably just didn’t want people back home in the Dominican to know he was playing for the Pirates and Royals) manages to resolve things and gets back to playing in the majors again soon.

However, the truth has to come out, and our crack Investigative Reporting Investigation Team has unearthed many other major leaguers players and even executives are working under assumed names. Read on for The Truth, and don’t say you weren’t warned. Your world may never be the same.

Assumed Name: Real Name

Alex Gordon: Jim Halpert

Jason Bay: Alexei Ramirez

Scott Baker: Joe Randa

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Now Available at Wrigley: Black Slime!

Regular patrons of Wrigley Field will be glad to know that watery, intoxicating Old Style will continue to flow at the friendly confines. Also available to the discerning epicure? Black slime!

Fortunately, as you may have noticed in the Action News Video embedded abovely, we have a Television Journalist and Food Safety PhD on hand to break it down like a fraction …

Television Journalist: “They found black slime inside an ice machine. That sounds awful. Bad?”

Food Safety PhD: “Yes, it’s terrible.”

Terrible Black Slime!


Honoring Frenchy’s 1000th Hit and His Crazy Eyes

Jeff Francoeur’s crazy eyes have charmed, mesmerized, and terrified the masses for years. In (belated) recognition of Jeff Francoeur’s memorable 1000th hit, here is their NotGraphs debut:

This picture, courtesy of Minda Haas, was taken at the Royals’ off-season Fan Fest. It is perhaps the most chilling photo of Frenchy’s soul-windows yet. What could possibly be going through his mind?

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A Useful New Heuristic: Bud’s Razor

NotGraphs readers who are also fans of science (or charlatans who pretend to be fans of science but have just seen that one episode of the Fox program House) are likely familiar with the heuristic known as Occam’s Razor. If you are unfamiliar with Occam’s Razor, it essentially states that when presented with two or more competing hypotheses, we should tend to the one that requires making the fewest new assumptions.

But I am not here today to talk about Occam’s Razor. I am here to introduce to you an exciting new heuristic that can help us better understand and even predict human behavior. Well, the behavior of one human.

It is called Bud’s Razor and I have defined it as such:

Given any issue on which he must make a decision, the wrongest decision is the one Bud Selig is most likely to make.

While this has been in the testing phase for the better part of a decade, the recent three game suspension handed down to Shane Victorino and only Shane Victorino for a brawl that saw Ramon Ramirez peg him with a pitch and charge the plate and saw Eli Whiteside (feebly attempt to) tackle Placido Polanco — which I accurately predicted using Bud’s Razor — has confirmed its usefulness.

Not quite convinced? Let us look at some test cases.

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The Inside-the-Park Grand Slam: Extra Success!

It hasn’t been the best of days around here at NotGraphs World HQ, but maybe things are looking up? How’s that? Well, perhaps you’ll recall my affection and longing for the rare confluence of absurdities that is the inside-the-park grand slam (note: you will not recall this, but still). Turns out such a miracle recently came to pass, thanks to Jeremy Moore of the Salt Lake Bees, three of his teammates and the burning fire-god in the sky.

By all means, please dig!

A thing related to my occupation for which I have yearned has come to pass! Let us now praise professional fulfillment in all its forms!


Dr. Bob Kelso Talks About Baseball from the Future

Although baseball is certainly nowhere near leaving the public eye in the recent future, it can be interesting to think about what will happen to the sport in the distant future. Can a sport like baseball actually survive in the fast-moving world of tomorrow?

Gene Roddenberry and the writers of Star Trek didn’t seem to think so. Baseball comes up relatively often in the series — more often than any current sport, although less often than the awesome-sounding Parrises Squares. In the Star Trek universe, baseball’s popularity declined rather swiftly in the 21st situation, such that the last World Series was played in 2042. The sport lived on in the minds of humans, but was no longer recognized as a major professional sport.

Dr. Paul Stubbs, portrayed by Ken Jenkins (the actor behind Scrubs’s Dr. Bob Kelso) remained a baseball fan despite the sport’s status as a relic. In explaining to young Ensign Wesley Crusher (Wil Wheaton) how broken, how downtrodden Stubbs would be should he miss his one chance to perform his experiment on a stellar phenomenon which only occurs once every 196 years, he refers to his love of baseball, in a way that I think many of us who put our noses to the spreadsheets can understand:

STUBBS: I could live with failure… Well, maybe not. But nevereven to try. To miss your one chance at bat. Do you know baseball?

WESLEY: My dad taught it to me when I was little.

STUBBS: Once, centuries ago, it was the beloved national pastime of the Americas, Wesley. Abandoned by a society that prized fast food and faster games. Lost to impatience. But I have seen the great players make the great plays.

WESLEY: Do you recreate them on a Holodeck?

STUBBS: No, in here… (his mind)… With the knowledge of statistics… runs, hits and errors… times at bat… box scores. Men like us do not need Holodecks, Wesley. I have played seasons in my mind. It was my reward to myself. For patience. Knowing my turn would come. Call your shot. Point to a star. One great blast and the crowd rises. A brand new era in astro-physics. Postponed one hundred and ninety-six years on account of rain.

It’s a bit simplistic, but I think Stubbs’s speech gives a pretty good account of how people like “us” — those fans who take a great joy in the statistical side of the game — use those statistics to give us a greater understand of the game. Seeing Jose Bautista’s 216 wRC+ at the top of the leaderboards doesn’t end with the number. We can see the dominance play out in our heads as well, just like Future Bob Kelso suggests.


Billy Martin Is Impressed by the Atari

Man of a Thousand Employers Billy Martin knows a thing or two about a thing or two about real baseball. As such, it should come as no surprise that Martin is profoundly impressed by the Realistic Home-Video Baseball Game that is in his midst …

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D54sGd7lUYQ&feature=related

Once upon a time, there was a distinct line between Actual Baseball and the Realistic Home-Video Baseball Game. But then the sorcerers at Atari Video-Gaming Concern came along and blurred that line to the point of invisibility. Billy Martin told us so. Like sinners at a tent revival, we have no choice but to heed his words.


Hip Hop Discovery: Mo Vaughn and Rick Ross

Streetwise NotGraphs reader Paul brought the above to our attention, and, well, we’re all better for it.

Is that Mo Vaughn on the left? And Rick Ross on the right? That’s for you to decide. Personally, I think Mo Vaughn is Rick Ross, while David Ortiz might be related to one or both of them.

Paul left us with one additional gem, from Rick Ross and Mo Vaughn’s hit, Luxury Tax, featuring, among others, Lil Wayne:

They say I couldn’t play baseball at all.
And now everyday of my life,
I ball.

Poetry, yo. It’s a beautiful thing.

Head nod out to Paul. A dap greeting, too, perhaps.


Dodger “Catharsis of Shirts” Continues

Think of the great miseries of humankind — war, famine, disease, Delta Airlines, Kid Rock — and how we as a people coped with them. Yep: witticisms on shirts. Even our hairy, slope-headed forgoers transferred their ironic cave etchings to the wrinkled pelts of the gomphotheres. They said things like, “My Milkshake Brings All the Homo Neanderthalensises to the Yard,” and “I Caught Crabs at the Patagonian Ice Cap During a Brief Respite in the Sub-Continental Permafrost.”

Fast forward to the current day and time, and you’ll find that Dodger fans, crippled by the misdeeds of America’s Worst BusinessmanTM, are turning to the shirt to help them through the various stages of grief and spittle-flecked rage. First came this, and now comes a more direct assault on the author of their miseries …

My only hope is that in 25 years, these will be the Dodgers’ throwback jerseys.

(Shirt tip: Biz of Baseball)


Old-Tyme Ballplayers: “I’ll Make You Suck My Ass”

Letters of Note, which traffics in noteworthy letters, has unearthed a baseball-ing document from way back yonder in 1898, when men were men and diseases were just, just great. The subject of the missive in question? Sporting gentleman John T. Brush wanted to rid our fair game of the maledictions and impieties common to those who were not raised right-wise.

By all means, click, embiggen and quaff deeply:

What is most pleasing about this letter is that Mr. Brush takes pains to quote the salty (yet, to these ears, soaringly beautiful) phrasings of the time. Because of Mr. Brush’s meticulous cataloging, fans of the era would know that when a baseball-ist quipped, say, “I f****d your mother, you sister, your wife,” he was indulging in ruffian’s talk and was quite likely a cad and a masher. Lest there be any confusion about that.

So it turns out that not all about the Gilded Age was gilded. You big asshole.