Charlie Blackmon in Front of Angry, Red Bill Cosby (i.e. Art)

At certain points in the not very distant past, the present author has utilized his editorial privileges to the end of celebrating both the je ne sais quoi and also just the regular quoi of Colorado outfielder Charlie Blackmon.

To mark Blackmon’s notable 6-for-6 performance on Saturday (box) — and also to exploit that achievement to the end of driving more internet traffic — I’ve assembled links to all the pieces concerning Blackmon that have appeared at this prestigious internet weblog.

Below are the works in question, presented in chronological order. Note that dates have been presented in classic European fashion (dd/mm/yy) for Maximum Sophistication.

Turn on Your Heartlight: Rockies to Promote Blackmon (06/06/11)
In which Neil Diamond’s opus is used as directed.

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What the reader might not know — but is certainly going to find out following the completion of this unnecessary em-dashed aside — is that, among the categories to which NotGraphs authors can assign their posts, there’s one called Charlie Blackmon Info.

“Why is there a category called Charlie Blackmon Info?” a reader might ask — nor does the author have any intention of discouraging the reader’s natural curiosity. Still, asking that question, one might as well also ask, “How do you hold a moonbeam in your hand?” Or: “How, after managing to get a moonbeam into your hand, do you make sex to it?”

Some questions, in other words, are unable to be answered — or, at the very least, unable to be answered without the aid of a harrowing diagram.

In any case, the purpose of this particular edition of Charlie Blackmon Info is to alert the entire world that (a) in his third plate appearance of the season, recently promoted Colorado outfield Charlie Blackmon homered and that (b) the author has commemorated Blackmon’s home run in American GIF form, with the caveat that (c) the video quality of the GIF isn’t particularly great, because (d) the author’s modem is working poorly, even though (e) the author’s wife has repeatedly reminded him to call for repair, while (f) the author has secretly prayed in his heart for the problem to resolve itself.

All of which is to say:

I just had a dream that a sea turtle bit my finger off. I’m not sure what that means. But I think it’s good luck

— ChuckNazty (@Chuck_Nazty) December 13, 2012

“Via science” is probably an optimistic description of how the author proposes to interpret Charlie Blackmon’s dream with a turtle in it. “Interpret,” itself, is also not quite accurate.

“By copying down entries from The Little Giant Encyclopedia of Dream Symbols (ed. Klaus Vollmar) that belongs to the author’s wife — and then allowing the reader to reach his or her own conclusions”: indeed, this is much more precise.

Here, for the benefit of the readership, are five entries relevant to Charlie Blackmon’s dream of late — reproduced in the exact order in which they were referenced by the present author.

Turtle/Tortoise: Hiding behind a character trait (according to Wilhelm Reich). Patience, wisdom; or hiding something essential.

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When I look at a child, I see the future. When I look at my wife, I see the woman with whom I’ll be spending the rest of my life. And, increasingly, whenever I look at Charlie Blackmon, I see everyone I was friends with in college.

The image to the left — of Charlie Blackmon wearing a vest and wearing a tiger shirt and eating what appears to be some kind of delicious burrito — has provoked merely the latest in a series of small epiphanies regarding how the Rockies outfielder is actually probably just one of my roommates from college with whom I’ve lost touch.

To the photo, he appends this confident-sounding tweet:

what’s better than a tiger? A Siberian tiger. What’s better than a Siberian tiger? Four of them on my awesome shirt!

And what I believe is a student film made by Blackmon and this other guy with whom we roomed.

Truffle Shuffle in honor of reader Paul, who brought the above tweet to the author’s attention.

The reader might have found himself under the impression of late that, owing to how Charlie Blackmon recently injured himself, that the present author would be looking to use his white-hot prose skills to eulogize some other sort of baseballing PYT.

Allow me to inform the reader immediately that such an impression is decidedly false. How the reader ever found himself under it is a great mystery — and he (i.e. the reader) would do well to begin finding himself astride, athwart, or any other preposition as regards said impression.

In fact, Mr. Blackmon has found some other outlets for his conspicuous Talent — namely, in the different-but-kinda-the-same arts of beard-growing and tweeting.

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It’s a fact, of course, that into every life a little rain must fall. Author Carson Cistulli is prepared to accept that fact. What Author Carson Cistulli is not prepared to accept, however, is the news — courtesy Hardball Talk’s Matthew Pouliot and the internet, generally — that beautiful stranger Charlie Blackmon has fractured his left foot playing the only game he ever loved.

“How’d he do it?” maybe you’re asking. And, “Is it really the only game he ever loved?” maybe you’re asking after that. These are questions with answers, reader, but answers are of no concern to the grieving — even those grieving a faux grief for one (in this case, Charlie Blackmon) who is neither friend nor family nor even passing acquaintance.

In 1997, noted critic Arthur C. Danto proclaimed the end of art.

In 2011, art is back… and it’s spectacular.

Ahem:

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Per Baseball Press, Charlie Blackmon appears set to play left and bat seventh against Tim Stauffer tonight.