Archive for Call to Action

It is known among the genteel that occasionally a gentleman prefers to take in a game of base and ball not with his wife and progeny, but rather with a paid Detroit whore. And for this very reason, Patrick Henry invented Craigslist. So it is not surprising that a certain well-bred, monocled spice trader recently took to the List of Craig in search of a female companion not necessarily averse to breathy sexual congress in a darkened Comerica Park utility closet:

looking for a reasonably attractive, relatively promiscuous, 23+ yo woman to accompany to ALDS game 4 tonight (10/4) at Comerica Park.

From relatively mediocre looking bald 33 yo man

Section 140, Row 8.

Face value plus sliding scale discount based on attractivenes and entertainment value.

PS – must have driver’s license, breakfast skills optional

True, the “mediocre looking bald man 33 yo man” bit is perhaps not the savviest example of targeted messaging, but, in his defense, those sound like pretty good seats. As well, kudos to this discerning patron for realizing that there is a time for the “relatively promiscuous” (e.g., at a ballgame) and a time for the “unthinkably promiscuous” (e.g., at a Dave & Buster’s in the suburbs).

(Consensual sex: SportsGrid)

I break no news when I tell you that the sign of a successful and vigorous gentleman is a carefully cultivated smoking habit. The modern gentleman does four things daily and with tidal regularity: ties a flawless double-windsor on the first attempt, makes love to ladies, conducts business, and smokes delicious cigarettes.

Given these incontrovertible facts, it should come as no surprise that the mellow, rejuvenating taste of Camel was central to Joe DiMaggio’s lionized hitting streak. Indisputable photographic evidence:

If the reader of these panels is left with the impression that Mr. DiMaggio’s choice in cigarettes had much to with his fame and material uplift, then that’s because Mr. DiMaggio’s choice in cigarettes damn well had much to do with his fame and material uplift.

It strikes me — as it surely will all sensible, right-wise folk — that, so long as we’re in the business of making schoolchildren memorize and recite things like the Pledge of Allegiance and various series of Arabic numerals, the Sons and Daughters of America can surely spare the time and brain space to commit to memory these sacred utterances:

My cigarette is the milder brand with less nicotine in the smoke — Camel. I’ve smoked them for eight years. They always taste great.

Remember, Sons and Daughters of America: You don’t have to smoke Camel, but you do have to smoke. That is, if you want nice things.

While the tattoo is mostly commonplace in baseball, there seems to be (with the exception of journeyman reliever Justin Miller) a real dearth of knuckle tattoos — i.e. the classiest possible tattoo.

Perhaps, one thinks, the reason for so few knuckle tattoos is a lack of inspiration among their potential human canvases. It’s with said lack of inspiration in mind that the author submits here five proposals for specific and active major leaguers.

To wit:

For Brett Gardner, the Yankees’ underrated star:

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Via Deadly Don Hammack comes this find by Nats Enquirer. This find is also, quite understandably, your Daguerreotype of the Evening:

The grainy, sepia-toned image you see above, which was created using silver halide, heated mercury, cold-rolled cladding, and a dipping solution of sodium thiosulfate, is of the lotto ads at tonight’s Phillies-Nats tilt (and also what appear to be some lovely geraniums). The discerner will observe that the Pennsylvania Lotto would seem to be claiming that in excess of 1.2 billion clams and or pieces of cheddar are in play at the moment. But hold everything!

MASN’s F.P. Santangelo pointed out during Tuesday night’s Nats-Phillies broadcast on MASN that members of the Nationals bullpen had messed with the jackpot numbers on the PowerBall and MegaMillions boards out in the visitors bullpen at Citizens Bank Park. And suddenly, a couple of paltry $25 million and $75 million payouts become $521 M and $705 M, respectively.

I’m pretty sure Sarbanes-Oxley expressly forbids the manipulation of powerball boards by NL East relievers — even decidedly merry relievers such as those boasted by the Nationals — but sometimes the law must be broken in the service of comedy jokes.

This I roar: #estimatedannuity

It’s the zenith of human folly to assume that mankind has reached perfection. This is especially true of baseball, which could be described from a perspective divorced of context as being a rather silly activity. Personally, I can’t think of a better forum for evaluating the various elements of baseball than at NotGraphs, where such discussions can be undertaken seriously and inconsequentially. But first, an aside:

This week, and I allow the reader to conduct their own amateur psychological analysis of the fact, I attended a Seattle Mariners game. I arrived early and found a spot in left field to watch the Yankees take batting practice. Rather than the hitters, though, my attention trained on a clutch of players, including C.C. Sabathia, Bartolo Colon, and Nick Swisher, shagging flies out in left-center. They began humbly enough, but soon they were throwing their gloves up to deflect the ball, and then at each other in order to distract them. It’s a boyishness buried deep in the genetic code of baseball, something every little leaguer does in practice, and it never really goes away.

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Many will enter (bids), only one will leave (with an autographed Tom Milone hat).

The attentive reader, using the part of his brain responsible for memory, will recall how, yesterday, the author provided a clear-minded and level-headed status update on an autographed and game-worn Tom Milone hat recently made available at MiLB Auctions.

It’s with no little difficulty that the author maintains his trademark calm this Wednesday evening. For, in the hours between the present post and the one from yesternight, no fewer than nine bids have been placed on the Tom Milone hat in question, pushing the current high bid for said Tom Milone hat up to $26.00.

Despite the stark jump in price, many experts believe the game-worn and then autographed hat could eventually be worth enough to pay for an entire college education — or, that’s likely what experts would say were anyone to ask. With that sort of potential value at stake, it’s unlikely that bidding has ceased on this game-worn and autographed and green, yellow, and red Syracuse Chiefs hat from Latino night by Tom Milone at Alliance Bank Stadium on August 8, 2011.

Not since German blacksmith and noted beard enthusiast Johannes Gutenberg (pictured) introduced movable type to the entire world has said world been so excited about reading as it is today. For today is the same day that our Brothers in Literacy, Eric and Ted of Pitchers & Poets, have announced the first book to be read as part of their very exciting Pitchers & Poets Reading Club.

Although reading is difficult, and is actually used as a form of punishment in much of the country, it’s made slightly easier when done under the threat of peer pressure from totally faceless, and otherwise anonymous, virtual friends.

Are you the sort of person interested in details? These are they, courtesy the aforenamed Eric:

As a part of the reading club, we’ve invited some friends and fellow baseball writers to join us as we work through [Chad Harbach’s] The Art of Fielding a few chapters at a time. We’ll discuss the book, our feelings, and whatever else comes to mind as we move along, and hopefully generate conversation with you — the readers — who will read along with us at home. The plan is to read a certain number of chapters in a given time period with everyone tagging along, and at the end of each predetermined reading section we’ll provide our thoughts and invite fellow reading club members to participate. (Expect to read somewhere in the range of 100 pages every week.)

NotGraphs has learned that, among the aforementioned “friends,” NotGraphs’ own Dayn Perry and Navin Vaswani will be included. The present author has also taken steps towards becoming part of this Literary Circle, although there’s been some talk of “Italian people” being “ill-equipped” for “anything more complicated” than “unchecked procreation.”

More on that as this story develops.

“Instant collector’s item” is only one of many phrases that describes this autographed Tom Milone hat.

Hey gang, just wanted to let everyone know that the autographed and game-worn Tom Milone hat I’ve been talking a lot about lately — the one he wore during the Syracuse Chiefs’ game against the Buffalo Bisons on August 8, 2011 — is still available via auction for just 10 dollars.

I’m not sure if I mentioned it before, so I’ll say now that the hat is from Latino Baseball Night and is green, yellow, and red. Also, not to belabor the point, but “game-worn” means Tom Milone wore this specific hat in a game. Like, the Tom Milone.

The description also says that Milone signed the hat “following” the game. For me, I imagine Milone walking back to the Syracuse clubhouse. Like, the game has just ended and he’s gonna take a shower or whatever. And then the Chiefs’ manager of promotions is like, “Hey Tom, could I get you to sign the hat for the charitable auction?” And then Tom Milone takes off the hat he was just wearing and signs it with his own name.

Imagining that gets me excited about possibly owning this hat — something that I, or anyone, could currently do for 10 unbelievable dollars.

I wonder if that is ever going change.

“That is never going to change,” says Yankees supreme exchequer Randy Levine.

Fine.

“That” refers to the playing of “God Bless America” during the seventh-inning stretch at Yankee Stadium. And “that” is too bad.

I could argue that songs oozing religious certainties have no place in the public square (we the taxed mostly pay for these ballparks, after all). I could even argue that Mr. Berlin’s “GBA” is a saccharine load that sounds like it was composed on a low-end Casio. And I could absolutely submit that the Yankees were creepy “Dear Leader” types about the whole thing for far too long.

But mostly it’s the idea of making a baseball game — a light, airy thing when not intense for reasons independent of world events — into something solemn. That’s why “GBA” should go away. Dead-ass Bin Laden is enriching the sea floor and being stripped for parts by gilled beasts. The Arab Spring, to continue the metaphor, flowers apace. So after almost 10 years of this, where’s the harm in letting baseball be baseball? Is it that we’ll … forget?

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Tonight, as I was watching my beloved Phillies take on the Marlins at Sun Life Stadium I noticed something awry with MLB.com’s normally excellent Gameday application.

I call the attention of the NotGraphs jury to the below screencap:

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