Archive for Audio and/or Visual

This video — apparently taken circa 1990 — of Tommy Lasorda being irascible and flipping out on a camera crew was posted to YouTube yesterday and shared by VinScullyIsMyHomeboy.com.

Here is a transcription of Lasorda’s tirade — in verse form, of course:

Hey, tell them son of a bitches up there
that if I go one more fucking time
and this thing don’t work,
I’m gonna grab their fucking asses.

I’m fucking tired of this shit.

(We’re ready).

I gotta get ready now.
I gotta get
in the right fucking frame ‘a mind.

(Think good thoughts).

Fuckin’ assholes.

A few disjointed thoughts about this clip:

1. It needs to be noted in Lasorda’s defense that he is from Philadelphia (well, Norristown, more specifically), where we are shocked that only one out of every ten words he uttered in this tirade was “fuck.”

2. Tommy Lasorda has looked the same age for the last 30 years, at least. It wasn’t so great for him when he looked 75 at the age of 60, but now that he’s 84, I guess it’s not half bad.

3. I think this has some meme potential:

Earlier today, minor American author and disappointment to his parents Dayn Perry proposed to Kurt Suzuki how the latter might reach his daily quota of 4,000 calories in more colorful, debaucherous fashion. While Perry’s suggestion seems entirely original, some Serious Internetting has revealed that Perry actually stole his prescription directly from the late Harry Caray.

I’d say I was ashamed in him (i.e. Perry), but knowing how ashamed he already is in himself, I’ll refrain for the moment.

Legendary broadcaster and Italian-American in disguise Harry Caray was fired unexpectedly by the St. Louis Cardinals after the 1969 season. Rumors circulated that the reason for Caray’s sudden dismissal concerned an alleged affair that Caray was having with the daughter-in-law of Cardinals owner August A. Busch, Jr.

Caray spoke to those rumors later in life. And, while he doesn’t expressly use the word sex as a verb — like other luminaries such as Color Me Badd and Young MC — it’s obvious to anyone with a brain that Caray is thinking it.

Watch and listen as Harry Caray (né Carabina), much like a male lion of the African savanna, chases English down, pins it beneath his ample frame, and makes quick, purposeful love to it.

Also like a male lion of the African savanna, Harry Caray is drunk.

Actor Jon Hamm is both (a) classically handsome and (b) if not expressly funny himself, at least a talented comic straight man. Which is to say, reader, that there are two reasons why I, personally, would derive some satisfaction from kicking Jon Hamm right in his stupid, handsome shins.

In a perfect world, Hamm would grow a third shin somehow, too, so I could kick him in that for narrating the dumb Cardinals World Series video, which will probably be so dumb that it’ll make everyone really dumb.

In conclusion, this guy:

This is Keith Olbermann interviewing an actor portraying Christy Mathewson about what really happened during – no giggles, please – Merkle’s boner.

I don’t know why this isn’t a more common-place gimmick: imagine Babe Ruth going on about how good ballpark hot dogs were in the ’20s, or Joe DiMaggio dishing out some naughty Marilyn details, or Ty Cobb in a roundtable on whether Matt Kemp or Ryan Braun should have won the MVP (That would sure be a fun discussion). I think a casting call is in order, Baseball Tonight.

And yes, Olbermann’s moustache is funny.

New Cubs manager Dale Sveum claims that his nickname, Nuts, has “nothing to do with [his] lower half” — from which information the only obvious conclusion is that Sveum’s anatomy is constructed differently than the typical male of the species’.

If you tuned in to this writer’s most recent appearance on FanGraphs Audio — and you surely did not — then you’ll know that when it comes to new Cardinals manager Mike Matheny, I could just eat him up. Mike Matheny — Handsome Mike Matheny — stirs up such feelings in me that I must put those feelings to American images and French song …

I don’t normally wear a tight-fitting bodice, but if I did it would’ve just ripped on its own. All thanks to you, Handsome Mike Matheny.

In these four-wheel-drive pages, we’ve already held the rebranded Miami Marlins to account for their sartorial affronts. But now it’s time to look at this thing through fresh eyes and loins …

The accompanying music can best be described as “a murdering of innocents,” and the only thing that would make this more “Miami,” which is America’s worst city, is if an alligator were getting a Brazilian wax on stage while high on coke. Still, I must confess that I kind of like the all-whites and all-grays on awkward, under-duress display here. The font saves the day, as does Ozzie Guillen’s pocket square.

Jeffrey Loria, much like Dick Clark, knows how to reach kids these days.