Big TV Reaches Agreement with Yankees, Red Sox, God


TELEVISIONLAND — In a move that some industry experts have called “shocking, but then again, not really shocking at all, because when you think about it, it makes all the sense in the world, given that the world apparently contains just two cities in which major league baseball teams exist,” Big TV announced today that it has reached a multilateral agreement to broadcast Yankees-Red Sox games for “all eternity … and then some!”

“With this unprecedented agreement,” said one Big TV executive, “we have ensured that Yankees-Red Sox games – in their past, present and future incarnations – will be transmitted in perpetuity, without the spatiotemporal parameters that afflict otherwise similar broadcasts in the earthly realm.

“Indeed, thanks to this partnership,” she added, “Yankees-Red Sox games will never know the worldly transience of an Astros-Royals contest on cable channel 738, or the mundane boundaries of a Cubs-Dbacks game at Chase Field. To paraphrase a poet, we will slip the surly airwaves of Earth!”

Key to the blockbuster deal, insiders say, was the cooperation of God.

“God really stepped up to the plate,” said another executive, in a press release. “No pun intended. It’s one thing for ESPN, Fox, MLB Network, ABC, NBC, CBS, Disney Channel, Animal Planet, Food Network and – what am I forgetting here? Oh, right, C-SPAN – to broadcast Yankees-Red Sox games each day during the summer months, including days when the two teams are not actually playing each other, but it’s fully another for us to broadcast this timeless and universal matchup for all eternity, and for that we needed the assistance of the Supreme Being.”

Details are not yet finalized, but according to the executive, the plan is for God to handle those very details “because He is, after all, already in them.”

One challenge, experts say, is that eternity is independent of space and time.

“So, for example, how do you schedule a broadcast when time doesn’t exist?” said one industry observer. “And for that matter, where do you broadcast these games if, in truth, eternity abides somewhere outside the four-dimensional manifold in which Derek Jeter uses classical mechanics at both the shortstop position and in a king-sized bed, and in which Big Papi admires a home run’s velocity relative to his position in the batter’s box?

“That’s the main reason they brought in God,” the insider added. “Keep in mind that God doesn’t play dice with the universe. Nor does He gamble on the everlasting. So not only would you expect a quality sempiternal infrastructure, you would also expect an environment that discourages the sorts of shenanigans that led to the Black Sox Scandal of 1919, A.D.”

Asked if Big TV might give syndication rights to Hades, where, according to sources, billions of souls will spend their post-retirement, the executive answered, “No, those people have already been through enough. Kidding! But seriously, no. While it’s probably true that not everyone loves watching Yankees-Red Sox all the time everywhere, it’s more a situation where we’d have to confront some strict territorial rights.

“After all, Hell has been broadcasting the games of the 1905-1926 Tigers for decades now, and frankly, we don’t want to deal with Mr. Cobb. Or Satan.”

John Paschal is a regular contributor to The Hardball Times and The Hardball Times Baseball Annual.

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Paul G.
Paul G.

I dunno. What would they watch in Hades? You can go with “so bad that it is terrible” programming for the pure pain, or something sweet and nice with bunnies that would be just fine if it wasn’t for the fact that your toes just burned off for that ironic suffering, or perhaps show really good stuff but cut them off before the end to watch 10 minutes of SHAM-WOW commercials (especially for Germans, who might not think this particular German product is well made), or perhaps not provide spoiler alerts just before the demon starts screaming “IT WAS A SLED!” while shoving a trident down your throat. The options are endless!

Or maybe they just go with Scrappy-Doo episodes. Diabolical!

a eskpert
a eskpert

Rather, in hell, I suspect they show Farewell to the King with Nick Nolte.