Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.
Here at NotGraphs, we’re taking it relatively easy today. We have a ritual. We gather together at the home of our beloved leader, Carson Cistulli, where we feast on the greatest creature that God has ever bestowed on the Earth, the Ken Turzimmoon:
The Ken Turzimmoon is a turkey with Ken Phelps’ mustache, Wally Moon’s unibrow, and whose body is composed of Don Zimmer’s head, and it has a baseball cake for some reason. Ken Turzimmoons always come bearing cake.
Carson will say a witty and overly wordy grace, but he will leave the carving to Dayn Perry, since he insists that we all call him Daddy. Little Jackie Moore will get a drumstick if he remembers to say please. Navin Vaswani will regale us with stories of how he celebrates Thanksgiving in Canada. Robert, Eric, Bradley, Cody, and Jeremy will lead us in a poetry battle, which Carson always wins when he cleverly inserts Dick Allen’s name into a baudy limerick. And everyone will clumsily try to put the moves on Summer Anne, all of which she will deftly rebuff, somehow without hurting anyone’s feelings.
Then, we’ll all settle in around the TV, talk about how grateful we are for Photoshop, whimsy, and our readers, and we’ll watch Steve Balboni murder a football before Joe West tells us all to go hit the showers.
Here’s hoping your Thanksgiving is just as good.
Mike Bates co-founded The Platoon Advantage, and has written for many other baseball websites, including NotGraphs (rest in peace) and The Score. Currently, he writes for Baseball Prospectus and co-hosts the podcast This Week In Baseball History. His favorite word is paradigm. Follow him on Twitter @MikeBatesSBN.