In doing “research” for a different post (seriously), I came across this article about Ryan Theriot in the St. Louis Post Dispatch, from September 19th.

The Cardinals led the division until July 27, four days before the Furcal acquisition. Speaking only about his own role, Theriot noted, “When I was playing shortstop we were in first place. I know that. It is what it is.”

Now that the Cardinals have won the World Series, that quote seems a little silly.

Ryan Theriot’s postseason performance, incidentally:

NLDS: 6 for 10
NLCS: 1 for 10
WS: 1 for 13

[And, yes, I broke it up like that because those NLDS stats would make the whole thing look better if I didn’t. Why can’t I manipulate statistics to make a point? This is NotGraphs, not FanGraphs! Good grief.]

A recent blog post from Chad Moriyama:

As the story goes, Matt Kemp‘s 2010 was ruined because he was distracted due to his relationship with pop star Rihanna. No, it wasn’t his horribly flawed swing that was to blame, because that would require actual analysis, it was his girlfriend (and if that sounded like a canned scene from “Moneyball“…yeah).

So as I’ve come to expect, with the recent rumor that they are back together again, Dodgers fans have resumed flipping out over whether to sign him to an extension or not, fearing the 2010 down year more than ever.

Causing me to scour the Internet for even more dangerous-to-baseball couples than Matt Kemp and Rihanna. A brief photo essay:

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1. The Rangers outfielder is named Josh Hamilton, not Alexander Hamilton. Alexander Hamilton did not have a well-documented struggle with drugs and alcohol, and did not have to provide urine samples three times a week during the baseball season. Also, Josh Hamilton was not killed in a duel. He continues to be on the roster of the Texas Rangers baseball team, and not the Texas Rangers law enforcement agency, which is not the law enforcement agency that first discovered Alexander Hamilton’s body after his duel. In addition, while Josh Hamilton does deposit most of his salary into a bank, he did not found the Bank of New York. That, again, was Alexander Hamilton, who, we have also been notified, had only one tattoo on his body.

2. The Cardinals enjoyed home field advantage in the series, not home fries, as we mistakenly reported. While there are unconfirmed reports that some members of the Cardinals may have enjoyed home fries at the breakfast buffet in the hotel where they stayed in Arlington, we have not been able to verify that the home fries provided any sort of advantage in the games. While the Rangers did not enjoy home field advantage, we should correct our assertion that they do not have a home field, and that many of the Rangers do not have homes. We are told that they do.

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Welcome back to that time of year when we pretend we can predict the future. All rankings subject to change.

1. Rodney Crandall, 2B
The Good: Crandall’s your typical Ryne-Sandberg-meets-Candice-Bergen second baseman, with a huge swing, big elbows, and the glove of a tiger. His ability to put three bats in his mouth at once is legendary. Despite no feet, last season he stole nearly every base.
The Bad: He’s a mass murderer, set for trial in December.
Perfect World Projection: He beats the charges, and comes back to bash his opponents’ heads in, setting him up for another murder trial and then a big debut in 2014.
Scout’s Incoherent Ramblings: “Crandall likes to eat yogurt, if you know what I mean.”

2. Jacob Loring, SP
The Good: Loring throws seven kinds of fastballs and four different sliders, making his games a real chore for the folks in the booth. He also has three glass eyes and is originally from space.
The Bad: He’s been dead for thirteen years.
Perfect World Projection: Biomedical technology takes a leap forward and Loring is back on the mound come spring. Ace potential, if he’s able to regain a pulse.
Scout’s Incoherent Ramblings: “I once saw him eat a coffee table and spit out the nails. Tough kid.”

3. Gordon Clyde, C
The Good: Good hands, tight mask, four teeth. Sprays line segments to every field, and isn’t afraid to touch the foul pole. Can see him as a Steve Carlton Fisk type, with a little bit of Catfish Hunter Pence in there.
The Bad: Mitochondrial disorder means he can’t grip a bat or throw a ball.
Perfect World Projection: Again, biomedical technology is the key. But once we overcome that hurdle, it’s smooth sailing to the big leagues.
Scout’s Incoherent Ramblings: “Reminds me of my wife. My second wife, I think. Or maybe that was my daughter. It all gets a little hazy sometimes.”

4. Sammy Hernandez, OF
The Good: Swims just like a ballplayer. Knows how to count backwards from 100, and can even do it with his eyes closed. Long swing, but short fingers, so it all balances out. Soft feet. Big ears.
The Bad: Utterly and completely incontinent.
Perfect World Projection: Another one relying on biomedical technology to secure a profitable future. But if he can stop dripping urine wherever he goes, he has the potential to be a difference-maker.
Scout’s Incoherent Ramblings: “Hate him. Don’t know why, maybe it’s because I never met him. But I can’t stand that kid.”

5. Greg Rossi, 3B
The Good: In a system loaded with lefties, his ambidextrous skill set is the perfect fit. He’s the tallest player in organized baseball, at 8-foot-4, and has the belly button to match.
The Bad: He’s bulimic.
Perfect World Projection: He’ll recover from his eating disorder to take his place at the Hot Corner. Hey, he might even become the next George Brett Lawrie Metcalf over there.
Scout’s Incoherent Ramblings: “I got so messed up last night at Foxwoods that I don’t even remember whether I’m a baseball scout or a guy who does color commentary for ballerina recitals on public access cable television.”

Best of the Rest:
6. Sanjay Gupta
7. Ruth Bader Ginsburg
8. Mr. Mister
9. Gary Sinise
10. Bryce Harper

A few footnotes missing from the ESPN article about Mike Quade’s dismissal as Cubs manager.

The Chicago Cubs fired manager Mike Quade on Wednesday, and president of baseball operations Theo Epstein said the search for his successor begins immediately.¹

Epstein and general manager Jed Hoyer met with Quade last week at Wrigley Field and spoke again by phone Tuesday² after Hoyer’s introductory press conference³. Epstein flew to Florida to tell Quade that he would not return⁴.

“When I joined the Cubs last week, I knew that Mike had a reputation as an outstanding baseball guy⁵, as a tireless worker⁶, and as a first-rate human being⁷,” Epstein said in a release. “After spending some time with him this past week⁸, it became apparent to me that Mike’s reputation is well deserved⁹. His passion¹⁰, knowledge of the game¹¹, commitment¹², and integrity¹³ stood out immediately. While Mike is clearly an asset to any organization¹⁴ and any major league staff¹⁵, Jed and I believe that the Cubs¹⁶ would benefit long-term¹⁷ from bringing in a manager for 2012 who can come in with a clean slate¹⁸ and offer new direction.”¹⁹

¹In fact, it already began last week. Shhhh.
²They called collect.
³Formally known as the “Pre-Mike-Quade’s-Firing Press Conference.”
⁴Epstein was also spotted riding Space Mountain. “Who’s Theo Epstein?” he said to the fan who recognized him.
⁵Also an outstanding baseball guy: the Cubs batboy.
⁶Keeping Carlos Zambrano from killing the rest of his teammates is an endlessly time-consuming task.
⁷Rumors that Quade is an invertebrate have been proven untrue.
⁸Except for that half-day at Disney World, riding Space Mountain.
⁹It should be obvious by this point: Epstein, like everyone else who wasn’t on the Cubs payroll, had never heard the name “Mike Quade” before taking this job.
¹⁰Passion for retirement, hopefully.
¹¹The game of shuffleboard.
¹²Commitment counts a lot in shuffleboard.
¹³Someone picked up a thesaurus yesterday, am I right?
¹⁴Except for this one.
¹⁵Except for this one.
¹⁶Well, the team formerly known as the Cubs, soon to be known as the Chicago Red Sox, with manager Terry Francona, third baseman David Ortiz, ace starter Curt Schilling, Ted Williams’s unfrozen head playing the outfield, fried chicken and beer in the clubhouse, and an Ivy-covered Green Monster (also known as Carlos Zambrano’s Halloween costume).
¹⁷And short-term, and medium-term, and every other term.
¹⁸Mike Quade, for all his positive qualities, like an ability to respire, and two-handed-ness, had a very dirty slate.
¹⁹Especially since the old direction seemed to be “down.” Oh, Mike Quade, I’m still not sure how to pronounce your name, and now I guess it doesn’t really matter, does it?

Q: Please rank the following players: Aardsma, Abad, Abreu, Abreu, Accardo, Aceves, Ackley, Acosta, Adams, Adams, Adams, Adams, Adams, Adams…

Q: I’m in a keeper league with my kids. My son just turned 7 and his estimated cost is going to be about $24,000, including private school. My 2-year-old daughter — too young for school — is only going to cost about $2,500. But obviously she’s going to be less productive. I can’t quite fit them both into my budget, so I’m wondering which one I should cut. The easy answer is my son, but since he’s been on my team for so long, I feel some ridiculous sense of loyalty. The other thing is that his cost is likely to stabilize over the next few years, while my daughter’s cost will definitely go up — and I’m not yet sure if she’s going to be worth it. At least with my son, by this point I have a good sense of what he is. But that’s the problem with young players, right? Advice?

Q: My league just added cholesterol to our categories — any ETA on when we can expect that up on the site?

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A friend pointed out that I misspelled Saltalamacchia in a previous post.

I figure I deserve to be punished. And so why shouldn’t I make the punishment fun?

If you haven’t wasted at least a few hours doing pointless baseball (and non-baseball) quizzes over at Sporcle… well, I’m about to ruin your productivity forever. Because even if you don’t like the quiz I’m about to link you to, I’m pretty sure something over there is going to suck you in (or you are far more immune to the distractions of the Internet than I am… though, really, if you were, would you be reading NotGraphs?).

My self-inflicted punishment for misspelling Salty’s name is that I’ve created a quiz to test how well you can spell the hardest names in baseball (current players only). Yeah, that Marc guy is one of ’em.

Good luck.

[First one with a perfect score wins… about $40,000 less than the winner of the Scripps National Spelling Bee. My last spelling bee was in 4th grade, when I was eliminated from my district’s competition by misspelling halibut. For more than twenty years, I didn’t eat halibut, in silent protest. That streak was broken due to an unfortunate choice of entrees at a wedding a few years ago. I think it must have been something like “halibut or garbage?” because I honestly don’t remember what would have possibly made me choose the halibut and end my lifelong strike. I have not eaten it again since. For those who haven’t already clicked over to the quiz– or a different post!– by now, I spelled it “h-a-l-i-b-i-t.” How many fourth graders frequent the local fishmonger and study the price list??? I’m still convinced it was the pronouncer’s fault. The winning word was refrigerator! Refrigerator!! But I’m over it. Really, I am.]

According to ESPN, the Mets are set to announce “substantial” changes to Citi Field to make it friendlier to hitters. The article says that there will be a new (shorter) left field wall, and the fence in right-center field will be moved 250 feet closer to home plate. Oh, sorry, 25 feet. I misread that.

Other changes not mentioned in the piece:

• A sinkhole near the visiting team’s on-deck circle. You mean you didn’t see it? And now Albert Pujols is missing? Oops. Read the rest of this entry »

Well, you can’t, because your spreadsheet’s not big enough.