Fantasy Mailbag: Rejected Questions

Q: Please rank the following players: Aardsma, Abad, Abreu, Abreu, Accardo, Aceves, Ackley, Acosta, Adams, Adams, Adams, Adams, Adams, Adams…

Q: I’m in a keeper league with my kids. My son just turned 7 and his estimated cost is going to be about $24,000, including private school. My 2-year-old daughter — too young for school — is only going to cost about $2,500. But obviously she’s going to be less productive. I can’t quite fit them both into my budget, so I’m wondering which one I should cut. The easy answer is my son, but since he’s been on my team for so long, I feel some ridiculous sense of loyalty. The other thing is that his cost is likely to stabilize over the next few years, while my daughter’s cost will definitely go up — and I’m not yet sure if she’s going to be worth it. At least with my son, by this point I have a good sense of what he is. But that’s the problem with young players, right? Advice?

Q: My league just added cholesterol to our categories — any ETA on when we can expect that up on the site?

Q: A buddy in my league just offered me his wife and 25 auction dollars in exchange for mine (our budget is 260). My wife is two years younger, and would definitely go for at least $50 more than his if they were both in the pool come draft day. I think the $25 sacrifice might be worth it so I have certainty going into the season, but I don’t want to completely torpedo my chances just because I’m a little risk-averse. Do I push for more money?

Q: Please rank the following players: Rodriguez, Gonzalez, Martinez, Rodriguez, Gonzalez, Martinez.

Q: Top players in the short-season Appalachian League? I’ve got my eye on Kevin Pillar*, but I got really screwed last year when I took David Schmortiz and Dustin Fedroia.

Q: Coming into this season, my dog was a real sleeper. He hasn’t yet woken up. Should I call someone?

Q: I’m in year 9 of trying to build a Super-Team in my Scoresheet League. So far, I’ve successfully used 4 different pseudonyms to take over other people’s franchises as they’ve dropped out — no one else in the league has a clue. I’ve made 36 trades with different versions of myself, trying to get a very subtle advantage each time so as to improve my Super-Team but not arouse any suspicion. Problem is, I suspect one of the other owners has been doing exactly the same thing, and there are actually only two of us in the league, managing 10 teams. I’m finding it hard not to confront him, but I want to do it in such a way that he won’t suspect I’m doing exactly the same thing he is. I don’t know what to do. I asked the commissioner for help, but that’s just one of my pseudonyms, and I hardly ever check that e-mail account, so he hasn’t responded to my note.

Q: Home runs: how many is too many?

Q: I drafted the Pittsburgh Pirates defense this past season and really got burned. With Chris Johnson as my running back and third baseman, who should I focus on at QB/C?

Q: My wife hates that I block out pretty much every weekend in March for my fantasy draft preparation. Now her mother’s on hospice with what the doctor says is approximately five months left to live. That will put her death right smack in the middle of fantasy prep season. I know my wife isn’t doing this just to get back at me for the fantasy leagues, but it still sort of feels that way. Is it fair to smother her in mid-February?

Q: Rank the following pitchers, for 2012 only: Glass, Plastic, Ceramic.

Q: Have a new baby coming this winter. Do you think my 3-year-old son is likely to regress, or keep his 2011 gains?

Q: Can keep 3 of the following in 10-team extremely mixed: Holliday, S Drew, 2006 Toyota Corolla, M Cabrera, 46 pounds of fresh deer meat, Tulowitzki, my U.S. passport, Oswalt, Buehrle, an iPhone 4S, Trout (outfielder), trout (rainbow), Walker (Pittsburgh Pirate), Walker (Texas Ranger).

Q: Looking for Lonnie Chisenhall’s projected arm length and inseam.

Q: If my time horizon is 125 years, would it be better to keep Cliff Lee and Shaun Marcum, or invest that money in Bitcoins? Thanks. Love the chats.

*The 2011 batting average leader in the Appalachian League is actually named Kevin Pillar. Source. Sometimes fake questions just write themselves.

Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn't go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney's or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.

Newest Most Voted
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
10 years ago

Well done, sir.

10 years ago
Reply to  Pikachu

from BBB?

This was hilarious.