Buried at the bottom of a Kansas City Star article mostly about Mike Moustakas and how he actually wasn’t temporarily kidnapped by aliens who replaced him with someone who looks similar but does not know how to play baseball is this tidbit of news:
April’s over, so it’s time to take a look at the longest-name-of-the-year standings and see who’s shaping up to be a top contender. As of April 30:
1. Jarrod Saltalamacchia | 14
2T. Al Alburquerque | 12
2T. Will Middlebrooks | 12
4T. Chad Billingsley | 11
4T. Joba Chamberlain | 11
4T. Edwin Encarnacion | 11
4T. Paul Goldschmidt | 11
4T. Adeiny Hechavarria | 11
4T. Bobby LaFramboise | 11
4T. Steve Lombardozzi | 11
4T. Darin Mastroianni | 11
4T. Kirk Nieuwenhuis | 11
4T. Brett Oberholtzer | 11
4T. Tyler Pastornicky | 11
4T. Marc Rzepczynski | 11
4T. Nate Schierholtz | 11
Quite a race, as you can see. Saltalamacchia once again seems to be in the lead, although given that it’s only the end of April, we do have to watch out for small sample size. Billingsley’s injury probably takes him out of contention for the rest of the year — it seems unlikely he’ll be able to get back in time to make up two whole letters, even if the rehab goes well.
Bobby LaFramboise is a surprise contender — his name just doesn’t look that long until you start counting the letters! That’s a hidden skill that his team will hopefully take advantage of. Once again, Jeff Samardzija shows promise, but misses out on the leaderboard when you really start adding up those characters. Like we always say here at long-name-central headquarters, it’s not about how hard it is to pronounce, it’s about the actual count. So no extra points for Rzepczynski or Nieuwenhuis. Their letters count just the same as the ones in Goldschmidt.
Smart money is on Saltalamacchia holding off the contenders, especially with this early-season lead. Always have to watch for someone like Hechavarria adding some consonants in the midseason heat, or someone getting married and deciding to hyphenate, but for right now, these are the standings. We’ll check back in a couple of months and see if anything’s changed.
Last week, I invited suggestions for a fantasy-baseball themed play we’re all going to write together.
After reading through the comments, I’ve decided this will be more fun as a musical. The start of the opening song is below. Your comments will help decide what happens next, as well as future song ideas/titles. Curtain up.
No, get your mind out of the gutter. This is a post about baseball bat-shaped things available for sale on the Internet.
Bat Pen
Okay, over the next few weeks, we’re going to write a play together. I’ve given you the title. Throw into the comments some character ideas, scenes, plot elements, stories, lines of dialogue, whatever you can come up with. I’ll take from what’s there– not everything, but whatever I can– and start building. I’ll post a scene next week, then open it up to you to tell me what should happen next. And so forth. An experiment. We’ll see what happens. If it’s terrible, hey, then it’s terrible. If it’s not, then, uh, I don’t know– FanGraphs Masterpiece Theater Video Podcast?
Baseball Think Factory links to an article about Manny Ramirez hitting a third home run in extra innings to propel the Rhinos to victory over in Taiwan. Apparently he’s batting .322/.365/.525 and shattering attendance records. Or, you can just let Google translate the linked article from Chinese:
ERRATA
In a recent article about Jason Heyward undergoing an appendectomy, we noted that a player named Matt Halladay had previously undergone an appendectomy and missed little time afterwards. We were obviously referring instead to Roy Holliday of the Pittsadelphia Marmondbacks, also founder of the “Holliday In” chain of fast-casual restaurants. We were also mistaken about the identity of the player who had surgery yesterday. It was Dirk Hayhurst, not Jason Heyward, and he had surgery on an appendage (an armish-looking leg, we believe) rather than his appendix. The operation took place in Detroit, not Denver, and was announced just before 1 AM Greenwich Mean Time, not Eastern time, as we originally reported. The procedure took place not in a hospital, but in a house-pital, a house that has been converted into a surgical center. We reported that the typical recovery from such a procedure is 2-3 weeks, when in fact it is 20-30 seconds, and Hayhurst is currently resting comfortably in a Halladay Inn Express. He is expected to make a full recovery and rejoin the Buffalo Bills well before the third period.
The New York Times with a long look at Curt Schilling’s failed video game company and the millions of dollars of Rhode Island taxpayer money lost in the venture.
Also, Gov. Lincoln Chafee is going to have a hard time getting invited to the Fenway Park luxury boxes:
“I just remember his own teammates didn’t like him,” Mr. Chafee said in a radio interview the day after the vote. “They thought he was a bit of a salesman. I remember one of his teammates said he painted his sock, the bloody sock, he painted it.” (That story turned out to be inaccurate.) Mr. Chafee added, “I don’t know if I trust Curt Schilling.”
This article does not make me want to start a video game company or live in Rhode Island.
My unique projection system, FEAR (Frightening Events All Realized)*, is proud to present in-season updates for some of baseball’s top stars.
| NAME | AVG | OBP | SLG | wOBA |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Adam Dunn | 0.000 | 0.000 | 0.000 | 0.000 |
| Matt Kemp | 0.000 | 0.000 | 0.000 | 0.000 |
| B.J. Upton | 0.000 | 0.000 | 0.000 | 0.000 |
| Josh Hamilton | 0.000 | 0.000 | 0.000 | 0.000 |
| Asdrubal Cabrera | 0.000 | 0.000 | 0.000 | 0.000 |
| Mike Moustakas | 0.000 | 0.000 | 0.000 | 0.000 |
| Ike Davis | 0.000 | 0.000 | 0.000 | 0.000 |
| Brandon Belt | 0.000 | 0.000 | 0.000 | 0.000 |
| Josh Reddick | 0.000 | 0.000 | 0.000 | 0.000 |
| Victor Martinez | 0.000 | 0.000 | 0.000 | 0.000 |
| Jason Heyward | 0.000 | 0.000 | 0.000 | 0.000 |
| Ryan Howard | 0.000 | 0.000 | 0.000 | 0.000 |
*Better acronyms are welcomed in the comments.
The headline is from MLB.com.
My real-time reaction:
“Oh, cool. An article about Derek Norris. He’s off to a crazy good start.”
“Wait a second. Norris is on the A’s. Why would he be trying to stop the A’s from sweeping the series? Wouldn’t he want his team to win?”