I think the headline writers had a little fun with that one.

And the line break is perfect there.

Frisco fans revolt. (Even more so if Sardinas was spelled Sardines instead.)

But at least he’s grateful for it.

Thank you @phonesuit for the battery pack…can't go anywhere without it.. pic.twitter.com/N1OPXux4hm

— jordan pacheco (@JstyleP) July 26, 2013

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The New York Times had a lovely piece yesterday on Ken Harrelson, White Sox broadcaster and sabermetric denier.  We at NotGraphs caught up with him yesterday evening, while he was putting on a pair of lead boots just in case gravity were to suddenly disappear, to get his thoughts on the banking industry:

The banking industry?  I remember when you could just go into a bank, ask for money, and they wouldn’t worry about all that crazy stuff, like checking your balance, or adding and subtracting.  You didn’t give people money because of how much they had in their accounts — you gave them money because you could see what kind of people they were, and whether they looked like people who would have money.  Too many good bankers have lost their jobs because they weren’t able to calculate interest rates, or determine whether a number was above or below zero.  Good bankers, who’d spent their career giving money to people, getting penalized just because all of sudden they were expected to know the difference between a number and a letter, or how to count.  Counting is nonsense — one of the biggest jokes I’ve ever seen.  A good banking man can look at a pile of money and know exactly how much is in there, or at least be close enough that the details don’t matter.  If you start distilling banking into dollars and cents, you’re making a huge mistake.  The numbers are ruining banking, I’m telling you.  Ruining it.  Now excuse me while I go push on the wall for a few minutes — it takes every one of us to make sure the Earth keeps on spinning, so I’m just trying to do my part.

Thanks, Ken.  Here’s to 38 more years of broadcasting, since you can’t trust those doctors to tell you how long a person’s lifespan is. You’ll be broadcasting — and making almost as much sense as you do now — for decades after those silly numbers on the heart rate monitor say you’re no longer breathing!

That last one is very confusing, I know.

NotGraphs reached out to Tino Martinez for some thoughts about hitting, coaching, Derek Dietrich, and bunny rabbits.

On hitting: “You’ve just got to make the f****** bat hit the f****** ball. That’s all there is to it. Pick up the f****** bat, swing it when the ball is coming, and, f***, you get a hit. It’s not that f****** difficult, and if you don’t understand, maybe you’ll get a better sense of it after I pick you up by the f****** neck and throw you against the f****** clubhouse wall. Also, you’ve got to watch out for the offspeed pitch.”

On being a coach: “I f****** love it. As a parent, I’m used to only having a couple of kids to f*** with, but now I have twenty-five. Even more if you count all those f****** good-for-nothing rookies who keep coming up to the f****** team. I’m a f****** legend to them, so even if I punch them in the face or kick them in the f****** crotch, they still worship me. I learned from my role model, former Yankees manager Idi Amin, that the way to get players to listen to you is force. A little force, a little tough love, and a little f****** baseball bat in the f****** skull. That’s all it takes to succeed.

On Derek Dietrich: “You mean I didn’t f****** kill him yet? I thought a little ***** like that would be f****** dead by now. I asked him to hit the ball the other way, and he kept on pulling it, so I took a baseball bat and **********************************************************************************************************************. Good kid, though. I think he has a bright future.”

On bunny rabbits: “They’re f****** losers.”

Thanks, Tino.

[Image: Tino demonstrating his trademark choking technique.]

Dear NotGraphs,

Paul

Paul,

I don’t know. Chad would probably say yes, based on what he told Ottoneu owners earlier this week, but I think there’s a more fundamental set of questions to ask about your hypothetical. How did you become the GM of a major league baseball team? Who did you replace, and how? And if you became a GM through nefarious means, should you be spending your time attempting to trade for Ryan Braun, or instead trying to cover your tracks and ensure you have a foolproof alibi.

For instance, did you club Brian Cashman over the head after you heard that he was trying to trade for 96-year-old Alfonso Soriano, and then wear his face as a mask on top of your own, fooling the world (and your fellow general managers) into thinking you were him? If you did do that, then I think this would probably be a great time to buy Ryan Braun, since the Yankees need some players who won’t be either suspended or Medicare-eligible in 2014. Of course, there would be no need to buy low, since the Yankees can afford to buy high.

Or did you pass Dayton Moore the same sleeping pill he has passed to the owners of the Royals, and quietly sneak into his office and take the seat at his desk? If so, I also think this would be a great time to trade for Ryan Braun, except that you probably won’t be permitted to take on his salary. Oh well. You tried. Maybe you can just build a farm system and eventually have a winning record in 11 or 12 years.

See, it’s very complicated. Also, why would the Brewers bother to sell low, since they’re not going anywhere this season anyway? I don’t expect there’s much reason for them to trade him. So I think you should probably spend your time as GM doing all sorts of other cool things, like helping more Cuban stars defect (actual question for readers: is Henry Urrutia keeper-worthy in an AL Scoresheet league? I’ve been offered him in a trade), or making waiver claims just for the heck of it.

Incidentally, if anyone else read this question and was wondering whether or not suspended players can be traded while suspended, initial Google results do not indicate a problem.

Good luck,
Jeremy

You can Ask NotGraphs too! If you have any questions, about baseball or otherwise, and want answers, about baseball or otherwise, feel free to send them my way.

“I don’t understand why no one is signing up for my Photoshop* classes. It doesn’t make any sense.”

*Actually, GIMP, which seems really powerful, if only I knew what the heck I was doing.

Dear Hopeless Joe,

Cheers,
B. Todriguez

Mr. Todriguez,

Thanks for writing. It’s a lost art. Writing, I mean. Kind of amazing anyone does it anymore, with video games and the Internet and all of that. Also paper cuts. That’s a real disincentive. I hate paper cuts. But I should get to your question. Yes, watching baseball is an escape from everyday life, but even escapes from everyday life are sometimes similarly bleak. After all, they have to be believable. Maybe you need an escape from the escapes from your life. Have you tried the fire escape? I think it’s high enough off the ground that you have no chance of survival if you jump. Not that I’m telling you to jump. I watch baseball as an escape from my everyday life, too. Did I ever tell you where I escaped from? They’re still looking for me.

Cautiously,
Hopeless Joe

If you have a question for Hopeless Joe, he already knows it.

The New York Times reported on Friday that Nate Silver is leaving The New York Times to join the ESPN/Disney/ABC empire. He is expected to contribute to “Olbermann,” the new late-night ESPN2 talk show to be hosted by Chris Berman Keith Olbermann. But surely there will be more.

** Nate Silver Presents “30.172 for 30.465,” a more mathematically-accurate film series celebrating numerical moments in the history of sports, like the amazing technology that measures home run distances, or estimating how many pounds C.C. Sabathia weighs.

** ABC’s “Bet on Your Baby,” now featuring accurate spreads.

** Statman and Robin, a new animated superhero series voiced by Nate Silver and Robin Roberts. Statman will apprehend statistical criminals, like whoever was responsible for the Windows 8 advertisement featuring the nonsense ERA vs. Lefties stat.

** Disney’s Statistically Accurate Movie Remakes: Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, plus or minus Two Dwarfs; Three Pigs, Each 20% Littler than the Average Pig; One Hundred and Seventeen Era-Adjusted Dalmations; An Estimated 19,834 Leagues Under The Sea, Depending On The Tide; and 46% Chance of Snow Dogs.

** Kids in the National Spelling Bee will now be properly ranked. (Gosh, that’s been an oversight for years. How am I supposed to make my fantasy spelling league picks without having a sensible ranking system in place?)

** “The Statistical Wizards of Waverly Place,” coming to The Disney Channel.

** ESPN replaces March Madness with a National Burrito Tournament.

Loyal reader Larry Holt sent me this screen grab:

Thanks to the LA Times for being on the case. Clearly a little bit of facial hair goes a long way when it comes to Home Run Derbies. Next year, look for each of the competitors to simply sport one long hair coming out of some part of his face, with the rest of it clean-shaven.