If the chance to watch tons of spring training games on your computer is the CURE for spring baseball fever, I’m confused as to what exactly spring baseball fever is. Because I would think MLB.TV would more accurately be the CAUSE of spring baseball fever, or at least a symptom that you have it.

The cure for spring baseball fever, on the other hand, might be a Lifetime Movie Marathon, or maybe this weekend’s Polar Vortex, to make you feel like spring will never really arrive. Or perhaps the cure is a broken Internet connection and no more cable, so you can’t watch or read about baseball. Maybe the dissolution of your fantasy league, or a spouse threatening to leave you if you spend one more minute talking about your keeper list. Perhaps the cure for spring baseball fever is doing your taxes, or going to a funeral.

MLB.TV, on the other hand, will only make your spring baseball fever worse.

(And, yes, I spent way too much time thinking about that headline.)

TEMPE, Ariz. — As a three-time All-Star, and former .300 hitter and middle-of-the-order threat, Joe Veteran has no need to listen to critics, especially those ripping on his huge contract.

He would of course love to be able to silence them, but, in his heart, he knows they’re right.

Veteran, who is trying to bounce back from the two worst seasons of his career, said he thinks he’s likely to be even worse this year, the unavoidable march of time taking its toll on his bat speed and other underlying physical skills. And while he avoids reading stories about himself– mostly because he spent so much time as a child developing his baseball skills that he never learned to read– he is forced to admit that what he hears on sports talk radio is almost certainly accurate, and he will never reach his previous heights again.

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There aren’t nearly enough stadium features named after players. And the ones that do exist are named after players who don’t even play anymore. Wouldn’t it be more fun for teams to commemorate current players? First in what will either be an ongoing series or not…

CITI FIELD, PROPOSED (click to embiggen)

Here are the results of the first round of this weekend’s Mock Mock Draft:

1.1 “Haha, I thought fantasy baseball was stupid as it is, but now you’re having a even faker practice draft for your fake draft?”

1.2 “Oooh, you got Trout? Too bad this isn’t a REAL DRAFT, sucker.”

1.3 “Maybe you should draft Garrett MOCK in your MOCK draft! Oh, he hasn’t played since 2010? EVEN BETTER.”

1.4 “Your fake team is even worse than your actual team. Which isn’t an actual team, of course.”

1.5 “I bet your spreadsheet isn’t even working right.”

1.6 “Maybe I’ll make you a mock dinner for you to eat after your draft, you terrible, neglectful husband.”

1.7 “You’re lucky this is a mock draft, because if it wasn’t, you would be in for a very long season.”

1.8 “Even Hopeless Joe had a better mock draft than you, and he left after three rounds to hang himself.”

1.9 “Ever hear of shortstops? Doesn’t seem like it.”

1.10 “Are you CRYING because someone took Byron Buxton before you? There’s no crying in mock drafting, crybaby. Save it for the actual auction, where crying is actually pretty common.”

1.11 “You’re not even pretending to respect the budget limitations you’re going to be faced with in the real draft. Oy.”

1.12 “Mock? More like a mockery. Who picks Justin Upton in the first round anymore?”

1.13 “There are more teams in your mock draft than number of years of education yo momma completed.”

1.14 “Uh… Mariano Rivera retired last season, moron.”

1.15 “Are holds actually a category in your league? That is so 1997.”

1.16 “I bet you don’t even know the strategic differences between drafting in the middle of the round in a snake draft versus one of the ends.”

FLORIDA — Here I am, at spring training with my favorite team, after an arduous journey that involved my car breaking down, no one wanting to help me as I tried to wave down passing motorists (I guess I shouldn’t have worn my old worn-out Michael Jackson “Smooth Criminal” t-shirt, where the first word is barely even visible after so many washings with the discount store-brand detergent), and then a brief case of norovirus I picked up in the gas station bathroom after I pushed my car along the highway’s shoulder — dislocating my own shoulder in the process.

Anyway, looks to me like everyone is in the worst shape of their lives. Unless I’m just projecting. Hey, I used to have decent metabolism. I could eat a whole pizza — but now I can only eat half a pizza, since that’s all I can afford, and still I balloon up like a Bartolo. Anyway, after a rough 2013, I can only imagine everyone’s in for a rougher 2014, or at least a rougher start to the year after I had all the starters sign a team ball and inadvertently gave them all my norovirus in the process. My bad.

And of course there’s the battle for the fifth starter slot, which probably won’t be won by anyone after I took the contenders out for lunch to a beachfront restaurant, for a group interview I thought would make an amazing piece I could sell somewhere and finally make some money from my freelance writing… and they all got washed away to sea and drowned. Don’t ask — I should have read the Yelp reviews more carefully. Who knew you needed a license to operate a restaurant on a boat, and that you also needed the boat to be airtight. A titanic mistake on my part, unfortunately.

So I talked to one of the top prospects too, and he was doing great until I reminded him that the stock market is volatile and his signing bonus may not actually be as safe as he imagined. He said that put a little pressure on him, that I really made it sink in that he has to do whatever it takes to end up with a major league career. So, that plus the random drug test a few hours later and it looks like he’ll be back in the second half of the season. Oh well.

The ace reliever has a new pitch. Well, he did until I accidentally bumped into him while I was doing the grounds crew a favor and trimming the hedges.

The third baseman didn’t really understand my practical joke about the hot corner and now he has third-degree burns over 90% of his body.

And the star outfielder is gone. Missing, I mean. I probably shouldn’t have mentioned my connection to the team when I was talking to my bookie. Joke’s on them, though — I can’t even come close to affording the ransom!

Looks to be another losing season. Why wouldn’t it be? I only root for the best.

Bleacher Report offers these two links side by side:

Which of course can only mean one thing….

[CUE THEME MUSIC] In a world… where stealing bases is unappreciated, and massively underperforming after signing a huge free agent contract is also unappreciated… two Hamiltons try to move up in the world and help their teams win a World Series. It’s… HAMILTON vs. HAMILTON, coming soon to Netflix. Josh, a former addict hoping he isn’t also a former good player. Billy, a speedy top prospect hoping to be more than just a pinch runner. And, hey, let’s throw in Alexander, a Founding Father who was killed in a duel. Together, they outrun criminals, fight drug abuse, and design federal banking systems.

My son, Micah, was born on October 8th of last year. So, technically, he was around for most of the postseason, but he was, uh, a little preoccupied. (As was I!) He’s still kind of preoccupied with most of the same pursuits — he’s sleeping on my chest as I write this right now, after his third breakfast of the day, if you want to arbitrarily call breakfast anything that gets eaten after five in the morning. But now that he’s able to pay a little more attention — a little — and is very interested in looking at whatever it is I am looking at, I expect it will be hard to keep his eyes away from spring training baseball, as much as I’d like to be able to say he has never seen even a flicker of a television screen. (Does it count as screen time if it’s on mute and I keep turning his head to face in a different direction?)

So I ask you, fine readers, how does a new parent like me set the stage for lifelong baseball enjoyment? I don’t care who he roots for, or if he roots for anyone at all, but in a few years it would be nice to have a little pal to take to the ballpark every so often. (Even if he only wants to be there for the bobblehead doll giveaway.) And even better if he wants to grab a team in my fantasy league, because maybe I’ll be able to bribe him with toys to get him to trade me his best players.

In other words:

At least Harvey’s fall will be quite cushioned.

It must be the offseason, because this is a top headline on Fox Sports.

Coming up later this week:

MICHAEL BRANTLEY BRUSHES HIS TEETH

RYAN ZIMMERMAN USES SHAMPOO… AND CONDITIONER

SHANE VICTORINO GOES #2

and

MIKE TROUT IS STILL BREATHING