Dr. Seuss presents…

There’s A Snatcherblot In My Catcherslot

Did you ever have the feeling there’s a Flitcher playing pitcher?
Or a Blortcrop playing shortstop?
Or a Groutpeeled in the outfield?
In certain sometimes cases there’s a Yasis stealing bases.
When I set my weekly lineup there’s a Grench stuck on my bench.
And that Flomer hit a homer! Eleven less than one Tripp Cromer.
There’s Moustakas in a fracas, and a Hamels with some camels.
And a Gee there by that tree. He’s been mostly nice to me.
And Nolasco, in a mask– no, Bobby Valentine I see.

My last saver was Joe Boever.
My last Blarza ate Matt Garza.
I saw four excited Spardja over there by Jeff Samardzija.
I am last in runs and ribbies.
‘Coz of all my Gluns and Glibbies.
If I only had a Trout my team could think of breaking out.
But since I only have a Freese, my team is off to rest in peace.

I think I’ve been reading too many children’s books.

I first felt a twinge in my elbow when I was scrubbing the blood off my front door. Don’t worry– it wasn’t human blood. I didn’t think much of the pain at first. Popped a couple of Advil. Or at least I thought they were Advil. I’d lost my contacts, so I was just groping at the medicine cabinet and guessing. Turns out I took two extra-strength laxatives. I don’t even know why they were in there. An old girlfriend left them, I think. If I had a nickel for every old girlfriend who left laxatives in my medicine cabinet… well, I’d have about as many nickels as I have now. So there went the rest of the day. And, over and over again, aggravating this new elbow injury. (I just couldn’t figure out how to do what I needed to do with the other hand. Also, now I’m out of toilet paper. Started using the backs of my fantasy baseball spreadsheets. Pretty much what they deserved anyway. Comeback year from B.J. Upton? Ricky Nolasco: Cy Young contender? Josh Reddick: MVP?)

By the next morning, I was emptied, spent, and my elbow was now throbbing. This was nothing like the time I was shot in the arm by a bandit. It was worse. I tried icing it, but I fell asleep, the ice melted all over my floor, and leaked into the apartment below. My downstairs neighbor knocked on my door holding a baseball bat and began to threaten to bash my head in… but then he saw the blood — turns out Dove Moisturizing Lotion doesn’t get blood out of doors — and got scared off. Some good luck, for once. Anyway, ice didn’t do anything, heat didn’t help (TIP: don’t put your elbow in the microwave!), and my actual Advil expired in 1996, so they didn’t do much good either.

I made an appointment with Dr. Andrews to get it checked out.

Got to the office early, because I thought maybe I’d see some ballplayers in the waiting room. But it was just a bunch of elderly men and their home health aides. “Hopeless Joe?” called the receptionist. I got up and headed back to exam room #1. The nurse told me to remove my pants. “But it’s my elbow!”

After the colonoscopy (ouch!), Dr. Andrews cleared up the confusion. Wrong Dr. Andrews. Of course. And the real one doesn’t take my insurance. Obamacare, ugh.

I am getting a little tired of matzoh and macaroons. I mean, I don’t really mind matzoh and macaroons, and there’s nothing stopping me from turning them into some kind of more delicious concoction (matzoh macaroon pie?), but a week of matzoh and macaroons is getting kind of boring. (Pro tip: matzoh with cream cheese and banana is tastier than it sounds.) (Pro tip #2: matzoh with butter and horseradish is not tastier than it sounds, but if your in-laws walk into the kitchen while you’re eating it for breakfast, they’ll think you’re a little insane.)

This didn’t start out as an idea for a post. But thanks, Internet.

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Introductory Question: Why is this game different from all other games? (That is, why do you have to watch this one?)

1. Why during all other games do you root for the Mets, but this one you are rooting against them? (Answer: Someone on my fantasy team is pitching against them.)

2. Why at all other times you eat all kinds of vegetables but while watching a baseball game you want a hot dog? (Answer: Because baseball tastes better with a hot dog.)

3. Why at all other times can you pay attention to the world around you, but while watching a game, it’s like the rest of the world doesn’t exist? (Answer: Shhh! The pitcher has a no-hitter going.)

4. Why at all other times can you sit on the couch like a normal person, but once the game is past the 7th inning, you lie down like a lazy dog? (Answer: I am sleepy. Watching a baseball game is hard work.)

Rob Neyer has a wonderful article on Fox Sports about the Rolaids Relief award and the hard times it has fallen upon. Here’s a completely disjointed pull quote:

In 2006, though, the Rolaids brand was acquired by Johnson & Johnson, which deemphasized the promotion… [in 2010] Rolaids were recalled, “following an investigation of consumer reports of an unusual moldy, musty, or mildewlike odor… nausea, stomach pain, vomiting and diarrhea.” … [Heath Bell said] “[s]o after I won in 2009 and didn’t get a trophy, in ’10 I asked about it and they said, ‘No, they’re not doing that any more.’

Reminds me of the fictional saga of the Vioxx VORP award, which started back in 1906 to honor the player with the highest VORP, awarding them a large gold pill. And then, nearly 100 years later, in 2004 when Merck recalled Vioxx for causing heart attacks and strokes… the large gold pills were gone. Much to the disappointment of Barry Bonds, who in 2004 wanted one more large pill to place on his mantel. [Insert Barry Bonds / pill joke here.]

Andrew Cashner – mugshot of a mullet pic.twitter.com/RUTkJc2unJ

— CJ Fogler (@cjzero) March 31, 2014

I think his fantasy ceiling just collapsed.

Well. That’s going to make it hard for him to contribute this season.

Plus, the problem is likely to be exacerbated by the raw sewage in the O.co Coliseum. From The New York Times:

The pipes backed up three times last season, once flooding the visitors’ dugout with brown water and another time forcing sewage out of the clubhouse sinks.

That stuff’s flammable, right?

Anyway, Addison Russell on fire, and the A’s playing in a flood of excrement. Fun times in Oakland.

UPDATE:

Fire is really terrible.

Let’s take a nostalgic look back.

Contrast that with:

Mike Moustakas really is not off to a confidence-building start.

— Dan McLaughlin (@baseballcrank) April 6, 2014

Julio Teheran is a better hitter than Moustakas.

— Matt Salais (@juliokcmo) April 6, 2014

I do think Moustakas will get a hit this season. #Royals

— Matt Davis (@KCRoyalFan) April 6, 2014

@royalsauthority A friend texts me every time #moustakas makes another out. I should block him now, right? #OhFer2014

— Monte White (@nomototo) April 5, 2014

There are no words to describe how horrible Moustakas is #royals

— coachdicarlo (@DManEnterprises) April 5, 2014

Things Mike Moustakas has done well this season: Didn't trip walking down to 1st after drawing a walk

— Brandon H. (@BHIndepMO) April 5, 2014

Not that we can or should judge anything by (as of this writing) 15 hitless at-bats, but I have replaced him in my fantasy lineup with James Loney.