NASHVILLE, Tenn. – In a move that is being described by industry insiders as ill-thought, problematic, and “fucking stupid,” NotGraphs editor Carson Cistulli has gained entrance to the Baseball Writers Association of America. Cistulli’s admission is a curious one as, though he can be classified as a writer, he doesn’t necessarily write about baseball, and rumors still abound as to whether he is, in fact, an American.

The BBWAA – once an organization of stature, respectability, and purpose – has certainly made waves with this decision. This appointment will allow Cistulli entrance to the press box of any Major League Baseball game, though Cistulli lives upwards of 90 minutes from the closest MLB stadium. It will grant him press credentials to all official MLB events – including the Winter meetings, the All-Star Game, and postseason festivities – even given the near certainty that he will embarrass himself, FanGraphs, and the BBWAA at these events. Should he maintain good standing in the organization, a feat that will surely not materialize, he will be able to cast his vote for the National Baseball Hall of Fame, a thought that strikes fear into almost anyone who cares about baseball, or the idea of voting.

“We are very proud of Carson, I guess,” said FanGraphs editor-in-chief Dave Cameron, whose own admittance in 2011 surely and disastrously paved the way for Cistulli’s. “I’m sure he will now ask for a raise, which I can assure all FanGraphs readers will not happen.”

“I can’t think of anyone more deserving than Carson,” said Internet baseball writer Sam Miller, who was also admitted this year. “Just kidding, I can think of at least a dozen.” Miller then ripped off his shirt, revealing a large tattoo bearing the text “Prospectus 4 Lyfe.”

Cistulli’s obsession with facial hair, Dick Allen, and middling prospects separates him some from most writers in the BBWAA. His penchant for midday drinking and wrapping his stories in bullshit metaphors is very on par with current writers, however.

In all seriousness, I could not be happier for Carson, as well as Eno Sarris, for their admittance. I owe a great deal to Carson, and I truly believe he deserves his appointment. We tend to tease him around here, but it’s pretty easy to see that he is a great writer. He also has a big heart (and a great eye for talent), plucking Yours Truly from obscurity and giving me a chance to have my voice heard. Congratulations, Carson.

Dayn Perry, our intrepid NotGraphs moral center, broke a story yesterday. At CBS Sports Eye on Baseball (the home for all baseball fans), Mr. Perry pointed out that the winning Powerball numbers from the recent drawing matched with a veritable who’s-who of former Royals greats, and one of the winners is from the Kansas City area. It has yet to be seen if the winner was actually a Royals fan, but I found it to be a cool story nonetheless.

This led me wonder; who are the best six players who have uniform numbers matching the winning Powerball digits?

Based off of FanGraphs WAR, here’s what was discovered:

5 – Joe DiMaggio (91.9)

16 – Hal Newhouser (62.9)

22 – Roger Clemens (145.5)

23 – Ryne Sandberg (62.6)

29 – John Smoltz (82.5)

6 – Stan Musial (139.4)

Total WAR for the Powerball team – 584.8

Total Powerball Jackpot – $587.5M

Totally freaky? No. Pretty freaky? Yeah.

Whilst browsing Twitter last week, I came upon a post from a Mariners fan known as @ichimeterlady. In said post, she included a note written by former Mariners player, Ichiro Suzuki. It can be seen below (click to blow that shizz up, yo.)

Read the rest of this entry »

Jason Motte is many things. He is a man, beard owner, baseball player, and, according to this tweet, semi-professional etymologist.

Lack of punctuation aside, Mr. Motte brings up an interesting point. WHY IS NO ONE TALKING ABOUT THIS?  What makes a milkshake a chocolate milkshake? Mr. Motte feels that the simple addition of chocolate syrup does not fill the requirements. He suggests also using chocolate ice cream, a choice that may contribute to a BMI in the “overweight” range. Nevertheless, he has drawn a line in the sand. That line is tangential to chocolate (and now also sandy) ice cream.

If I may offer a counterargument to Mr. Motte:

All milkshakes are made with vanilla ice cream you fucking dummy. You add chocolate syrup to make it a chocolate milkshake. You add caramel syrup to make it a caramel milkshake. That’s just the way it is. Do you make a butterscotch milkshake with butterscotch ice cream? Do you make a strawberry milkshake with strawberry ice cream? No. You do neither of those. What you are suggesting is not a milkshake. You are suggesting a disgusting cup filled with pulverized ice cream and corresponding flavor syrup. It’s gross, it’s far too sweet, and it’s an assault on America. If you want to drink your diabetes smoothie, go right ahead you dullard. But leave the word milkshake off of it. WHY CALL IT APPLE PIE IF THE WHOLE THING ISN’T MADE OF APPLES? WHY CALL IT CHICKEN SOUP IF THE BOWL ISN’T MADE OF CHICKEN!? Your logic has holes, profligate.

Tune in next week when I take down Cody Ross regarding his lax definition of what constitutes a “burrito.”

Hey, man. I just wanted to go over these product updates one more time before we send the brochure proofs to the printers. Oh, hey, is that a baseball on your desk? Wow, cool. Oh, it’s signed, too? Who signed this? I can’t make out the name. Nolan Ryan? He was a pitcher, right? Thought so. Did he play for the Yankees? Oh. I don’t know very much about baseball.

So anyway, the biggest changes were on the second and third paragraphs. Just make sure that the language is right…

Are you sure Nolan Ryan didn’t play for the Yankees? Really? Who did he play for? Who are the Astros? Oh.

Do you think “revolutionary” is too strong a word? I don’t want this thing to sound too flowery, you know?

My cousin lives in New Jersey. He’s a big Yankees fan. He talks about them all the time. I think he has that thing … you know where they like give you all the tickets? Season tickets. Right. He has season tickets to the Yankees.  Pays a crap ton of money for them, too. Season tickets and alimony, that’s where all his money goes.

Traci was worried that that third line there — yeah there — Traci said that it was too long. She said to keep every sentence to ten words at the most. I think it was ten. Maybe it was twelve. There should be an email about it. Do you want me to forward it to you?

So do you go to a lot of games? Yeah? Who’s your favorite player? Just pick one. Hmm, never heard of him. Does Barry Bonds still play?

I’m not really a sports guy. I played lacrosse in high school, but that’s about it. I watch the Super Bowl, I guess. The Giants won last year. Who won the World Series? Really? Wait, there’s two teams in … oh, San Francisco. Isn’t that where Barry Bonds plays? Right, played. Thought so.

All right, so are we cool on this brochure? Great. I’ll finish the proofs and have them ready for the meeting at 2:00. You’re coming to that right? There was an email about it. Do you want me to forward it to you?

Read the rest of this entry »

Hollywood, CA — News has begun to surface regarding a new film based on the 1975 Cincinnati Reds. Sources confirm that Warner Bros has reached a deal with Joe Posnanski to option his book The Big Red Machine into a feature film.

The film will be a joint effort, as Warner plans to parlay a deal with the Hasbro board game company into this film by including influences of the game Mouse Trap. It appears as if Warner is looking to cash in on the recent successes of both the Moneyball film and the board-game-to-film adaptation of Battleship. Hasbro has also recently optioned the rights to its game Hungry Hungry Hippos for film.

The Big Red Machine will focus on the eight non-pitchers that powered the Reds’ famous offense of 1975. Each player will be depicted by a different component of the Rube Goldberg-like contraption used in Mouse Trap. The cast will include:

Joe Morgan – The Crank

Dave Concepcion – The Boot

George Foster – The Marble

Tony Perez – The Ball

Johhny Bench – The Tub

Pete Rose – The Man

Ken Griffey – The Pan

Cesar Geronimo – The Net

The NotGraphs Investigative Reporting Investigation Team has acquired – through means not illegal, but not really legal, if you know what I mean – a rough copy of the trailer for The Big Red Machine featuring original footage from the board game’s classic commercial from the 1980s.

Mr. Posnanski was not available for comment, as I was too embarrassed to contact him.

If Mike Trout Had Won the AL MVP last night, I would have woken up this morning about 11 minutes later than usual. I would have tried to take a quicker-than-normal shower, and failed. I would have put on a pair of brown, almost houndstooth pants with hints of navy blue. My shirt would have been navy as well, with red and white checks. My socks, shoes, and belt would also have been brown. I would have put a dab of gel in my hair, the kind specifically for curly-haired gentleman.

I would have kissed my dogs and wife goodbye (in that order), put on my pea coat, grabbed my small satchel, and headed out the door for my bus stop. About a half a block shy of my stop, I would have seen the 7 bus drive away. I would have sighed, faced east, and strolled to the stop for the 19 bus, which drops off farther away from my office. I would have arrived at work exactly at 7 a.m.

Read the rest of this entry »

Something is going to happen tonight. This something will make you want to voice an opinion. Many of you will want to voice said opinion on Twitter. Don’t. It’s not worth it. It will not change the outcome, nor will your quip lead to you being recognized as a cultural luminary or sports-critic extraordinaire.

May I suggest some alternative activities for spending your evening? Oh, I shall.

1. Take a nap. I realize that a nap that late in the day may just lead to extended sleep, but who cares? Sleeping is awesome.

2. Go to Macy’s and get that v-neck sweater you’ve been eyeing. Come on, you know it fits great and that color will really go with those olive green slacks you’ve been waiting to debut. YOLO.

3. When’s the last time you really read Family Circus? They’re touching on important issues over there. Doin’ God’s work.

4. I have it on good authority that baseball writer/National Treasure/degenerate Aaron Gleeman will be on a FanGraphs Audio episode that will drop today. It’s a way to kill time, at least.

5. The way this country’s going in the toilet, you better start learning some Chinese, amirite?

I don’t know where the saying came from. It’s partly a platitude, partly a statement of the rules. It is used to celebrate a player’s skill, while also unkindly magnifying precisely how that skill cannot be used. It’s a pat on the back, and a kick in the groin. It’s a definition of a back-handed compliment.

“You can’t steal first.”

This phrase, when used by broadcasters, usually accompanies an at-bat by a speedy, light-hitting player. It is meant to point out that while this player’s speed is an asset, it does not help his ability, or inability, to get on base.

“You can’t steal first.”

But what if, like, you could? What if the rules of baseball allowed a player to, at any time during an at-bat, take off for first base? You probably haven’t thought about this, due to the fact that it’s a silly idea. But I have, fair NotGraphs reader, for your benefit.

The pitcher is a fragile creature indeed, and the installation of this rule might be the thing that sends most of them to the asylum. Gone would be the days of walking around the mound. An errant pickoff throw would now put runners at first and second. And the wild pitches, my God, the wild pitches. If a pitcher bounces one with a runner on base, the runner moves up. Not the end of the world. However, if the batter were allowed to take first on a wild pitch or passed ball, regardless of the count? It may be a smart idea to buy stock in Gatorade-cooler repair companies, if this were to happen.

There were 104,403 plate appearances in 2012 where no bases were occupied. That’s 104,403 new opportunities for a pitcher to negatively his team’s win probability on ANY pitch, not just ball four.

How would it be scored? Would an extra category need to be added to signify the difference in traditional steals and steals of first? Would stealing first positively affect one’s on-base-percentage? What’s the WPA of such a feat? How many more steals would Ricky Henderson and Vince Coleman have amassed? Would there finally be a good reason to slide into first? Would speedy hitters and defensively-deft catchers be more valuable?

Mr. Cistulli recently penned a micro essay about the importance of the unknown and the yet-to-happen in baseball – how mere possibilities of fantastical things happening are, perhaps, more important than factual things happening. If this has truth to it, and I believe it does have some, the legalization of stealing first adds a new matrix of possibilities of which to gain pleasure.

So I implore you, Mr. Commissioner. Legalize the theft of first. If you won’t give us instant replay, or better umpire accountability, then at least allow Carlos Gomez to up his OBP when the pitcher spins a curveball 60’ 2’’. Tradition be damned. Long live possibilities.