Jason Motte Has Opinions on Milkshakes

Jason Motte is many things. He is a man, beard owner, baseball player, and, according to this tweet, semi-professional etymologist.

Lack of punctuation aside, Mr. Motte brings up an interesting point. WHY IS NO ONE TALKING ABOUT THIS? ¬†What makes a milkshake a chocolate milkshake? Mr. Motte feels that the simple addition of chocolate syrup does not fill the requirements. He suggests also using chocolate ice cream, a choice that may contribute to a BMI in the “overweight” range. Nevertheless, he has drawn a line in the sand. That line is tangential to chocolate (and now also sandy) ice cream.

If I may offer a counterargument to Mr. Motte:

All milkshakes are made with vanilla ice cream you fucking dummy. You add chocolate syrup to make it a chocolate milkshake. You add caramel syrup to make it a caramel milkshake. That’s just the way it is. Do you make a butterscotch milkshake with butterscotch ice cream? Do you make a strawberry milkshake with strawberry ice cream? No. You do neither of those. What you are suggesting is not a milkshake. You are suggesting a disgusting cup filled with pulverized ice cream and corresponding flavor syrup. It’s gross, it’s far too sweet, and it’s an assault on America. If you want to drink your diabetes smoothie, go right ahead you dullard. But leave the word milkshake off of it. WHY CALL IT APPLE PIE IF THE WHOLE THING ISN’T MADE OF APPLES? WHY CALL IT CHICKEN SOUP IF THE BOWL ISN’T MADE OF CHICKEN!? Your logic has holes, profligate.

Tune in next week when I take down Cody Ross regarding his lax definition of what constitutes a “burrito.”

We hoped you liked reading Jason Motte Has Opinions on Milkshakes by David G. Temple!

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David G. Temple is the Managing Editor of TechGraphs and a contributor to FanGraphs, NotGraphs and The Hardball Times. He hosts the award-eligible podcast Stealing Home. Dayn Perry once called him a "Bible Made of Lasers." Follow him on Twitter @davidgtemple.

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Sassy. I like.