Quiz: Delmon Young or Delwyn Young?
Take the quiz below to find out if you are ready for the upcoming season!
Author Archive
Other Grandpa Sayings Scott Boras Can Use
The above tweet is from Jerry Crasnick, and is a quote from superagent Scott Boras.
While one can’t help but appreciate Mr. Boras’ savoir faire, this line is totally something my grandpa, or perhaps your grandpa, would say.
If Mr. Boras is reading this — and since he most certainly has a Google alert set up for himself, I assume he is — I offer him some other Grandpaish sayings to use whenever he feels the need arise:
Regarding the household: A Happy Wife is a Happy Life
Regarding productivity: There’s No Substitution for Elbow Grease
Regarding bathroom etiquette during water shortages: If it’s Yellow, Let it Mellow. If it’s Brown, Flush it Down.
Regarding platonic relationships: You Can Pick Your Friends, and You Can Pick Your Nose, but You Can’t Pick Your Friend’s Nose
Regarding arguing tactics: Don’t Pee on My Leg and Tell Me It’s Raining
Regarding for whom one should root: My Favorite Team is the [local team] and Whoever is Playing the [most direct rival to said local team]
Regarding choosing a sexual partner: You Don’t Stare at the Hearth When You’re Poking at the Fire
Regarding the Chinese: *removed by administrator*
Regarding an appropriate time to consume alcohol: It’s Noon Somewhere
Regarding the usefulness of a thing: That’s Slicker than Snot on a Doorknob
Possible Mishaps Regarding Bullpen Cell Phones
News broke yesterday regarding Major League Baseball’s new partnership with wireless phone provider T-Mobile, in that the traditional bullpen landlines will be replaced by T-Mobile cellular phones in a way that won’t be ostentatious at all, I’m sure. The following are possible mishaps that will spiral from this new, most executive of partnerships:
The influx of camera shots on the bullpen will force bullpen managers to stay awake for the whole game.
Makers of fart apps will see a drastic spike in profits come April.
Everyone’s walk-up music will be that “One, Two, Kalamazoo” song.
At least one person is getting Favre’d from the dugout.
Double-Bubble Groupons.
Attempting to text in his request, Bud Black asks for Miles “Molpjwa” to warm up.
Upwards of 10,000 “Can you hear me now?” jokes from television broadcasters.
T-Mobile Girl totally botches the National Anthem at the Wild Card play-in game.
Glitch allows T-Mobile customers to use their MLB At Bat app to change scoreboard messages.
Tim Lincecum gains 70 pounds, as he is now able to order pizza from the dugout.
Villanelle: Nick Punto, One Time, Tried to Break His Bat
In abiding with NotGraphs’ Villanelle Week:
Nick Punto, one time, tried to break his bat
A feat so large, and yet a man so small
Why would he even try to attempt that?
And during the World’s Series, too, at that
The culprit seems to barely bend at all
Nick Punto, one time, tried to break his bat
Some put-out rage, a wooden tit-for-tat
In failure, something needs to takes the fall
Why would he even try to attempt that?
If scrappiness was actually a stat
Number 8 would, in fact, lead them all
Nick Punto, one time, tried to break his bat
Perhaps it’s better just to utter “drat”
Less painful this, if slightly more banal
Why would he even try to attempt that?
A bruise is formed, a thigh is rendered flat
Bo Jackson’s snickers echo off the wall
Nick Punto, one time, tried to break his bat
Why would he even try to attempt that?
Totally Unaltered Tweet: Source Goes Car Shopping
The following totally unaltered tweet from Jon Heyman is pretty much just him bragging that he knows people who:
1. Are familiar with Marlins front-office thinking.
2. Know how to find a sweet deal on a new whip.
What’s Wrong with Mike Napoli’s Hips?
Nearly three weeks ago, the Boston Red Sox supposedly struck a deal with free agent Mike Napoli. He still has not signed. There are reports that Napoli’s physical brought up some questions about his hips, stalling negotiations and leading the Red Sox to begin discussions with Adam LaRoche to take the vacant first base position. So what exactly is wrong with Napoli’s hips? The NotGraphs Investigative Reporting Investigation Team has completely fabricated the following possibilities:
Metaphor: Mario Mendoza as a Feminine Product
Today is many things. It is Boxing day. It is the day after Christmas. It’s probably someone’s anniversary and an important date in history for some culture somewhere. It is a date of note for former baseball player Mario Mendoza, for today is his birthday.
Whenever I think of Mario Mendoza, I think – and stay with me here – of douche. I don’t bring this up to be crass, or to make a value comparison of Mr. Mendoza as a person. I am being truthful. It’s just what comes to mind.