Buck Showalter doesn’t understand today’s kids, what with their Pokemon cards and their cans of Four Loko and their breakdancing and their Jordache jeans. What he really doesn’t understand, though, is why someone can’t just sing the damn National Anthem the way the composers — John Wayne, Patrick Henry and Superman — intended …
If it makes you feel any better, Buck, know that it gets worse. So, so much worse …
(Gratitude in song: Parker Hageman)
Commenter/muscled philosopher Dave, sensing my ignorance of post-mid 1980s baseball cards, observes that there’s another extant image of Mickey Hatcher and his hulksome fly-catcher. Please enjoy:
And on the back of this 1991 Upper Deck action snapshot, you’ll find that Mickey Hatcher puts out small fires with the vigor and efficiency of a man who puts out small fires with vigor and efficiency …
Still and yet, though …
Joe West would not have countenanced such tomfoolery, but Mickey Hatcher had a giant glove …
I don’t know much, but I know that Mickey Hatcher had a giant glove.
It never would have occurred to me that Jim Thome could’ve made a nifty Paul Bunyan, but that’s mostly because no one ever asked me, “Dayn, do you think Jim Thome could make a nifty Paul Bunyan?”
Had someone posed that question — and, really, I’m not sure why no one has — I would have said, “Yes, yes, now that I think about it, I do believe that Jim Thome could make a nifty Paul Bunyan.”
Turns out my instincts, as always, were spot-on …
Internet sources tell me — and anyone else who clicks on this link — that a robot, whose prevailing intentions for humankind have yet to be revealed, threw out the ceremonial first pitch at tonight’s Brewers-Phillies tilt. The gritty, which is also nitty:
The robot is the brainchild of Jordan Brindza and Jamie Gewirtz, two students who built the robot in their spare time. The Inquirer reported that in addition to a robotic arm, a “wrist”-like joint also helps flip the ball toward the plate. The framework is a Segway, meaning that the Philliebot can theoretically move – although it’s doubtful that the Philliebot can field its position.
My question, page viewers: Did anyone see the first pitch? Impressions? Pitch F/X data? Suspicions that the Pitch F/X robot is pumping up the numbers in a show of robo-tribalism?
Mostly, though: How many onlookers were slaughtered?
UPDATE: Savvy commenter John K. observes that today is, in point of fact, Tuesday and not Wednesday, when the Philliebot will unleash his awful and boundless powers. This strikes me as a reasonable observation.
Yeah, Brian Wilson’s two-seamer (featured below!) is impressive enough, and I can forgive his reluctance to brawl with randomly outraged A’s fans. What I shall not abide is if Mr. Wilson and his face-forest duck out on this:
The Second Annual $5000 Beard Team USA National Beard and Moustache Championships will take place on October 8, 2011 at the Clipper Magazine Stadium, in Lancaster, Pennsylvania.
That’s right, Wilson: The Second Annual $5000 Beard Team USA National Beard and Moustache Championships. You know it’s serious because “Beard” is mentioned twice. You know it’s for the discriminating gentleman because “Moustache” is spelled with an “ou,” which is, of course, the preferred spelling of the hardy and right-wise.
Oh sure, it’s possible Mr. Wilson’s team will have something of the postseason-ish flavoring scheduled for October 8, but I see no reason he can’t take a cue from baseball legend Deion Sanders and be hustled by giant flying machine from one event to the other.
Wilson, your beard may be baseball’s best (at least now that Bo Diaz is no longer with us), but can it stack up with the likes of Devin Cara, who is pictured above and surely pleases the crumbled bones of Aaron Burr?
So, Wilson, is that a beard on your mug or a gathering of tiny, hairlike cowards? We’ll find out on October 8.
As police-scanner enthusiasts of greater Cincinnati already know, Reds hurler Mike Leake was escorted to the hoosegow for (allegedly!) swiping a few t-shirts from Macy’s. The dirty:
Loss prevention employees at the Macy’s Downtown store called police after they said Leake removed security tags from six American Rag T-shirts, valued at $59.88, and walked out of the store without paying for them. The incident was captured by store security cameras, police documents state.
Obviously, we’re going to need to make some guesses as to which T-shirts Mr. Leake was compelled to swindle. All we have to go on is Mr. Leake’s age; his appearance in the above mugshot, which is a look that is widely known as the “Stinky Bassist”; and the full menu of American Rag t-shirts available at Macy’s.
Fortunately, the NotGraphs Investigative Reporting Investigation Team has within its ranks a number of thieves, so these guesses come with the vague hint of authority. So which six American Rag shirts could Mr. Leake not resist?
As the headline would lead you to believe …
The “swinger” indeed. That’s a look of a man who can guess your sign, teach you a thing or about a thing or two about tantric massage, and turn a fondue party into a key party. Am I making all this up, or is that precisely what’s inscribed on his medallion?
And this — true fact forthcoming — is Hawk Harrelson owning the studio like he bought it and lost the receipt:
Look, Ma, no irony!
Yep: Without equivocation or post-modernist nuance or layered meaning, I admire Mr. Jackie Robinson for his historical import and his immense personal courage. I have no jokes to make.
So in honor of this, Jackie Robinson Day, here’s this:
Go, Jackie!
It seems that every day here on NotGraphs I see something that turns out to be The Greatest Thing That I’ve Ever Seen. Today is no exception. What follows is footage of a promotion put on by the minor-league Wilmington Blue Rocks. It is not, on second thought, The Greatest Thing I’ve Ever Seen. Lo, it is: THE GREATEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN. Put on your breeches of amazement and watch …
I’m fond of reminding NotGraphs readers that we will all die at some point. Today, though, I’m not so sure.