Have you ever wanted to see a helicopter play baseball? Yea, verily. Have you also dreamed longingly of spicing up said game of helicopter baseball with bad baserunning, German brogues aplenty and a soundtrack that quite possibly features Yngwie Malmsteen? Well, despite the lessons of the past, present and future, dreams do come true! But only this one time …
Rickey Henderson may be 52 years old, but the Hall of Famer doesn’t need to read the instructions when it comes to charming the Ladies of the World. That’s the case even when the Lady of the World in question is a coquettish little minx by the name of Kate Upton …
Mr. Rickey Henderson was absolutely through with it before you knew what to do with it.
In which the Royal We insert Dick Allen’s name into various works representative of the Western Canon, thus adding to those various works the patina of blessedness.
Today’s episode: Gay Talese’s penetrating study of Joe DiMaggio and seminal work of the New Journalism, “The Silent Season of a Hero.”
He was then 39, she was 27. They had been married in January of that year, 1954, despite disharmony in temperament and time; he was tired of publicity, she was thriving on it; he was intolerant of tardiness, she was always late. During their honeymoon in Tokyo an American general had introduced himself and asked if, as a patriotic gesture, she would visit the troops in Korea. She looked at Joe. “It’s your honeymoon,” he said, shrugging, “go ahead if you want to.”
She appeared on 10 occasions before 100,000 servicemen, and when she returned, she said, “It was so wonderful, Joe. You never heard such cheering.”
“Yes, I have,” Dick Allen said.
This has been the latest episode of Inserting Dick Allen’s Name Into Works of Literature.
The only thing I know about marketing is that if you use each letter of your company’s name to spell out a positive attribute, it’s golden gold. Thankfully, the Chiba Lotte Marines, to cite but one example, know more about marketing than I do. I introduce this into evidence …
As Zig Ziglar teaches us, cast the opposition as giant, spiteful golems who destroy urban infrastructure and endanger children, and you’ll sell tickets. The Chiba Lotte Marines have taken this lesson to heart, and that heart is beautiful and mighty.
By all means, collect the whole set.
It’s time for another installment of “Shorter Baseball Columnists,” in which we read mainstream baseball columnists and marginalized bloggers like Murray Chass so you don’t have to! Let us begin!
Shorter Steve Rosenbloom: Carlos Zambrano will soon fly to Guatemala to adopt a young boy. What an asshole.
Shorter Gregg Doyel: No one can stop me from voting, on the Internet, for the All-Star candidates of my choosing.
Shorter Murray Chass: Know who’s a big, fat coward? Bob Gibson. Yep. Bob Gibson is a big, fat coward.
Shorter Ian O’Connor: The subject is Derek Jeter, and I am about to make love to the reader.
Shorter John Harper: Shame on the Rays for not making Jeter’s 3,000th hit more of a priority.
Shorter Dan Shaughnessy: Roger Clemens used to pitch for the Red Sox.
The “Shorter” approach to Internetty commentary traces back, as best as one can tell, to Daniel Davies.
This Maury Brown dispatch from the All-Star Game warmup party yields this photographic image …
I’m no expert on such matters, but I believe that’s a gas-powered macho scooter festooned with images of our fair game. If you would like to see additional images of said gas-powered macho scooter, then please click on the link above. Vroom to the vroom.
Proprietor of liquor store: “What are you doing, sir?”
Me: “I’m taking a picture of this.”
Proprietor of liquor store: “Are you to buy it?”
Me: “No. I’m going to buy something more expensive.”
Proprietor of liquor store: “Very good then.”
I don’t believe in awful beer. I do, however, believe that items refashioned to resemble baseball bats are small, good things. So I compromised. I purchased the Oberon and took a terrible picture of the Old Style bottles refashioned to resemble baseball bats. Sometimes, even in this zero-sum life of ours, everybody wins.
Today I have something in common with the idle rich. I am manifestly not rich, but I am now quite, quite idle. That’s because yesterday, after nine years of service — service that gave off every appearance of being loyal — FOXSports.com let me go. It was a budgetary decision, which allows me to fall on the less displeasing end of the somewhat blurry laid off/fired continuum. So that’s something. Right?
Anyhow, I’m not going to sit here and meow on and on about my grim circumstances. Plenty of people are much worse off, and I have cabinets full of canned goods, SSRIs and mind-altering spirits. I’ll be fine. Rather, I’d like to reflect upon some positives that have arisen from my new, blighted condition. To be sure, I have some regrets right now — no longer working with some terrific editors over at FOX is chief among them — but some things sustain me …
Above all, I carry with me no hard feelings, and I still, in my own estimation, number among the lucky bastards of this world. And as with all things in life, an Internet meme provides guiding wisdom …
Thank you for listening.
The nominations are in, and now it’s time to see to the dirty, foul-smelling business of grassroots democracy. Please and thank you: Vote in the poll below to determine which active player should be nicknamed “Bad Miracle.”
Curious as to the operational criteria or how the nominations unfolded on the convention floor? Then please revisit yesterday’s initial foray into all that is “Bad Miracle.” Now don’t forget to vote as your neighborhood ward heeler has instructed you!
Saunter over to the NL WAR leaderboards, and you’ll find that the Corsairs’ Andrew McCutchen has been the second-most valuable position player in the senior circuit this season. Despite such impressive bestowals, McCutchen was left off the NL All-Star roster. The All-Star Game, of course, will go down in Chase Field in Phoenix. And here is what the angry, hovering godhead in charge of baseball and nature has wrought at the location in question …
Lo, it is a sandstorm! But could this possibly have something to do with the snubbing of Andrew McCutchen? Here’s a better question: Why would you ask something like that?
Sand-covered embrace: Big League Stew