Earlier today, Dayn Perry, doing his best work, provided a timely and emotionally charged update on the Big New Bedford Youth Baseball Controversy.

While itself the very apotheosis of youth baseball controversies, the Big New Bedford Youth Baseball Controversy is not the only example of the genre.

In fact, the Internetting Gentleman, were he so inclined, could find himself googling the terms little, league, and controversy — and then, immediately after that, find himself becoming an expert on no fewer than five other youth baseball controversies.

These ones, to be specific:

Bountiful (UT) Little League, 2006
A coach orders an intentional walk of an opponent’s best hitter, in order to face Romney Oaks, a cancer survivor who “needs a shunt in his brain just to live.” Oaks strikes out.

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Trick question. The answer is obviously the one pictured below:

How cold is it at Wrigley Field today? Look for this masked coach on FS Wisconsin. First pitch 7:05 CT! twitter.com/MikeVassallo13…

— Mike Vassallo (@MikeVassallo13) April 10, 2012

Some questions are designed to elicit an expression of opinion; others, a statement of fact. If asked for his thoughts on arugula, for example, the reader would be equally justified in saying that it does or does not appeal to him. When asked how many inches are in a foot, however, the reader would have no such latitude.

The question “Who is the best short-story writer of any epoch?” belongs to the latter category. The answer, as if I even need to tell such a vigorously bespectacled reader, is late Russian author Daniil Kharms (pictured menacingly, Russianly to the right).

In celebration not only of Kharms’ achievement as a litterateur, but also of a certain achievement by the Kansas City Royals from their game on Monday night, I present here Kharms’ very short story Falling Old Ladies (translator unknown), with the characters replaced by Royals baserunners.

This or that reader might recognize some similarity between this experiment and one rendered into actual book form by noted author Ben Greenman. In response to said observation, I reply only that I’ve never heard either of (a) that book you’re talking about or (b) whomever “Ben Greenman” is, so stop acting ridiculous for once.

Falling Royals Baserunners

Because of his excessive enthusiasm, a Royals baserunner attempted to advance and was thrown out.

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Submitted, with minimal comment, from the author’s own ottoneu team:

Click to play.

The above footage depicts the conclusion of Pablo Sandoval’s home-run trot from his first-inning cuadrangular against right-hander and fellow Venezuelan Jhoulys Chacin during this Monday afternoon’s game against the Rockies (in progress, as of press time).

While said footage reveals no epiphanies, it does provide a record of the somewhat sophisticated choreography of Sandoval’s home-run trot — information that will no doubt be of great use to our descendants and our descendants’ descendants and our descendants’ descendants’ descendants. Specifically, we learn that the Sandoval performs four distinct acts in rapid succession as he approaches, and then touches, home plate.

These four acts, in particular:

1. He crosses himself, Catholically.
2. He gestures towards heaven.
3. He claps his hands together.
4. He pantomimes putting on (what one presumes is) a (championship) belt.

In his Discourses, noted Roman Stoic Epictetus proclaims that, to live a life free from anxiety, that each of us must become like a “spiritual athlete.” To that end, NotGraphs presents this exercise, with a view towards helping to tighten and tone the spirits of the readership.

The price of spiritual infirmity: death by bears.

Notes: Toronto right-hander Henderson Alvarez and Oakland left-hander Tom Milone make their respective season debuts tonight — the former at 7:07pm ET; the latter, at 10:05pm ET. While throwing from different sides and at considerably different velocities (Alvarez’s fastball sat at around 93-94 mph last season; Milone’s, at 88 mph), the pair posted almost identical strikeout and walk rates during their major-league debuts: 15.4% and 3.1% for Alvarez, 13.6% and 3.6% for Milone. Furthermore, Steamer projects the pair for almost identical FIPs this season: 4.12 for Alvarez, 4.00 for Milone.

Exercise: Consider how Alvarez and Milone use different means to arrive at a similar end (i.e. being a mostly effective pitcher at the major-league level) — Alvarez with plus velocity and very good command of a fastball and changeup, Milone with below-average velocity and plus-plus command of up to six pitches. Now consider what would happen if Alvarez attempted to imitate Milone; or Milone, Alvarez. Each would likely fail.

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In 1794, the incorruptible Robespierre announced in a speech to the National Convention that “Terror without virtue is fatal; virtue without terror is impotent. The terror is nothing but justice, prompt, severe, inflexible; it is thus an emanation of virtue” — and then beheaded the majority of France’s ruling class (if not necessarily in that order).

One imagines that an almost identical thought occurred to Carlos Pena during Tampa Bay’s game yesterday against New York — during the first inning of which game, Yankees manager Joe Girardi ordered an intentional walk of shortstop Sean Rodriguez to load the bases for the Rays first baseman. It was at this juncture that Pena responded in the manner preserved by this GIF, a manner informed (plainly enough!) by equal parts terror and virtue.

Phillies blog The Good Phight is looking for talented, self-motivated writers.

Qualified applicants will have been universally recognized as leading prose stylists, and probably won a Pulitzer Prize in something.

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The Pittsburgh Pirates, who featured probably the worst center-field camera angle in all of baseball last season, appear to have changed that for the 2012 campaign. It’s almost definitely a top-five camera, at this point.

Oh, hello. Didn’t see you there.

Allow me to introduce myself: my name is Carson Cistulli. It’s possible you’ve heard of me, but no problem if you haven’t.

Professionally speaking, I’m an editor at FanGraphs.com, a popular internet baseball site. More relevant to this conversation, however, I’m a member of this country’s aristocratic class — and I’d like to help you become one, too.

I understand you’ve just made $251.5 million. Congratulations. But understand that liquid assets — regardless of their volume — do not an aristocrat make. In fact, the greatest scourge on this country is not the economy nor a woman’s right to do any number of things of her own volition, but rather a terrorist cell known as the Noveau Riche. More on that later, though.

For now, here are five guidelines to help make your transition to the aristocracy an easy one.

Hire a valet, or gentleman’s gentleman.
Preferably of English extraction, although any of the Home Nations will do. This gentleman will make your life bearable, and you’ll wonder how you ever lived in his absence.

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