In the time it took the author to capture and render into GIF form the footage here of Cincinnati prospect Tony Cingrani’s 11th strikeout tonight (against Detroit minor-leaguer John Lindsey, in this case), the left-hander also recorded his 12th and 13th strikeouts — a total he’s compiled in just 5.0 innings and 15 batters.
Click this hyperlined text for a box score of the game in question.
Josh Reddick, who hit his first home run of the season just minutes ago (box), has drawn some attention this spring for his rather convincing impression of a feral human man — in particular, with regard to the hair and beard part of his body.
“What will he look like when’s older, though?” is a question the reader has definitely asked himself, for the purposes of this post.
With a view to answering that exact question, the editors of the present site either did or did not travel into the future, collect images of Josh Reddick, and return to 2013. They either did or did not then organize five of those same images into the form a of a slideshow.
For all of the digital ink that has been spilled this offseason with regard to Atlanta catcher/outfielder/noted cast member of 1969 film Easy Rider Evan Gattis, little has been written about the private checklist he maintains for every plate appearance, the contents of which has been recovered by our Investigative Reporting Investigation Team and reproduced below (and each particular of which we see him fulfilling in the GIF embedded here while hitting his first major-league home run tonight).
To wit:
Sometimes people are like, “Stop making GIFs of Matt Harvey’s slider every second of your life,” and other times they’re like, “Stop signing all your business memos to me as ‘Private Private Dancer.'”
What the world needs to learn, though, is that Carson Cistulli is a private private dancer, and that Matt Harvey’s slider — like this particular one to San Diego’s Jedd Gyorko from ca. 20 minutes ago — needs to be captured and rendered into as many animated GIFs as there are sands on the shores.
The Boston Red Sox’ social-media strategy has taken a turn for the dark and harrowing, as the following tweet — entirely and in-no-way altered from the original — reveals (click to embiggen):
The author, who is moving in the wrong direction relative to blackest death, recently had his habits questioned and testicles fondled by his primary care physician*. He also, the following day, had what he (i.e. the author) considers to be “too much blood” removed from his body for the purposes of evaluating its cholesterol, and other sorts of, levels.
*In that same physician’s office, I mean. Not, like, out on the street.
Below are the results of the blood test in question — rendered both in raw form and also relative to national averages for adults.
An acquaintance of the author’s recently suggested that the virtue of Brutalist architecture is how it reminds one constantly of the miseries extant in this life.
This footage of Marwin Gonzalez breaking up Yu Darvish’s perfect game after 26 outs is the same thing, probably.
As a service to the public, the author presents here footage of Yu Darvish’s first swinging-strike of the season — a ca. 90 mph cut fastball to Houston third baseman Brett Wallace from, like, 20 minutes ago or something (box):
Below is an audio clip that is either an audio clip of an avant-garde work by late American composer John Cage or the result of an attempt by the author to record, this afternoon, a conversation with Rockies closer Rafael Betancourt regarding the latter’s tendency (documented last August by Jeff Sullivan) to work almost exclusively on the outside corner of the strike zone to left-handed batters — except, instead of that conversation, is only silence for reasons likely owing to the author’s incompetence.
Below the audio clip is a quiz of some consequence, which the reader is invited to take.
When the BBWAA admitted the present author to its ranks, what they likely had in mind is that he’d produce high-quality content like that which follows — namely, a 20-second audio clip of Ryan Braun taking batting practice today at Miller Park, and ending in an sound effect called Large/Sharp/Boomy Explosion with Falling Debris.
