It has recently come to the author’s attention that, rather than producing actual content, it might be preferable to pass judgment on other people’s content, and then to assemble those judgments into one easily digestible rankings list. It’s what is commonly referred to as a “win-win” situation, on account of said rankings require minimal labor and drive traffic more effectively than other articles that deal in things like “nuance” and “subtlety.”

In this edition of Lists and Rankings, we cast our judge-y eye towards today’s most most well-written headlines. Note how the author has included one or two lines’ worth of pithy commentary, lest you find yourself under the impression that absolutely zero effort was expended in the creation of this bloggiest of blog posts.

5. Consider the Bullpen Hole Filled, Disciples of Uecker
It seems like it’s about sex. But it’s not about sex. But maybe it is about sex. Or not. (It is… not.)

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An anonymous reader provides the above image — from a recent Brewers-Astros game — of two or more fans who probably had a heart attack immediately after said image was captured.

Per the National Lung, Heart, and Blood Institute, the signs and symptoms of a heart attack include:

• Upper body discomfort in one or both arms, the back, neck, jaw, or upper part of the stomach.
• Shortness of breath, which may occur with or before chest discomfort.
• No shirt.
• Nausea (feeling sick to your stomach), vomiting, light-headedness or sudden dizziness, or breaking out in a cold sweat.
• Comically undersized fireman’s helmet.
• Sleep problems, fatigue (tiredness), or lack of energy.
• Pervy vibe.
• Loss of consciousness.
• Accidentally at Astros game.

Check, check, double-check.

With so much of his time being spent executing things, today’s busy executive isn’t always in a position to enjoy every single game every single night on the entire baseball schedule. It’s to address this situation, undoubtedly, that Major League Baseball offers condensed games at their Media Center landing page.

The author has spent some time forming opinions about these condensed games, so that you don’t have to. Here they are (i.e. the aforementioned opinions), delivered in an authoritative voice via the magic of bullet point.

Regard:

• The first thing one will note is that the condensed games are delivered sans commentary — i.e. with natural ballpark sounds only. This is perhaps the best thing about them. Though commentary — especially when deliverd by broadcasters like Vin Scully or (in this author’s opinion) Len Kasper or Don Orsillo/Jerry Remy — though commentary certainly has its place, the quality of it is pretty uneven across the league. And while calls of dramatic plays can certainly enhance the experience of same, commentary is generally most effective during the game’s more subdued intervals. As the condensed games are composed almost exclusively by action, it’s a pleasure to participate in the ballpark sounds alone.

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A couple days ago, we here at NotGraphs utilized our powerful power to facilitate a crowdsourcing effort of great relevance to our “human” “condition” — namely, to determine whether, in fact, the image above represents the perfect golf swing.

A total of 104 votes were cast — many of them by living people — with a distribution very similar to this one:

No.	54	42.19%	
Yes.	25	19.53%	
Other:	25	19.53%

The general feeling is that, in fact, we are not seeing the perfect golf swing in the embedded image.

Of note are some of the answers provided in the Other column, as follow.

This is a man who’s been exposed to Gamma Radiation. Don’t make him angry.
Sound advice.

Yes, if you happen to dwell in the world of Tron.
Some cursory research validates this claim.

Inverted stapler. Tommy John candidate.
Science-y!

Polls are a cheap way to drive traffic to a webiste.
By his own admission, this answer was submitted by reader glassSheets.

glassSheets’ mom is a cheap way to drive traffic.
“Snap” is the word for which you are busily searching.

African or European?
A troubling question for these troubled times.

We receive quite a bit of mail here at NotGraphs’ headquarters, much of it inappropriate either in a sexual way or spiritual way or other type of way.

That said, we occasionally receive correspondence of some merit, too. Below are three recent examples of same, with responses of varying quality.

(Note: got a pressing question or incisive comment for NotGraphs? Feel free to fire it through the internet to not+tips@fangraphs.com!)

Now, on to the letters:

Is it okay to bring a baseball mitt to a game? My friend says it’s not something for adult men to be doing, but I don’t really see the ish.

— Shawn in Shawnee

If it makes you feel better, Tony, I wear my mitt all the time and everywhere — at home, at a restaurant, and, yes, at a baseball game. I just never wear it on my hand, if you know what I mean.

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Daniel Bard threw 17 pitches in the Red Sox’ victory over the Yankees on Sunday night, but only one those (i.e. those pitches) was a changeup — the 3-2 pitch to Mark Teixeira you see GIF’d below.

Before we cut to the videotape, some notes on Bard’s offering:

• Per linear weights, this lone pitch was worth -0.35 runs — that is, it cost the Yankees that much.

• The pitch was recorded at 93.9 mph by Pitch F/x. Among pitchers who throw a changeup more than 1% of the time, Bard’s is the fastest, averaging 90.5 mph. This pitch was over three miles per hour faster than that.

• Provided the Pitch F/x data is correct in this situation, Bard’s changeup appeared to break even more than usual. On average, Bard’s changeup features 8.8 inches of armside run and 2.4 inches of rise (relative to a spinless ball, that is). This pitch (courtesy Brooks Baseball) was recorded as having 9.5 inches of armside run and 4.5 inches of drop.

If there’s a drawback to this situation, it’s that ESPN doesn’t appear to use the straight-on center-field camera at Fenway, which would give us a sense of how impractical Bard’s change really was.

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I’m definitely exaggerating when I say that the ad pictured above is literally the only one I ever see when I visit NotGraphs; however, I’m definitely telling the truth when I say that the golfer in said ad has blue and green light coursing through his body.

In any case, I find myself growing curiouser and curiouser: is this the perfect golf swing? Knowing little about the sport, it’s a question I’m unprepared to answer. However, utilizing the wisdom of the crowds, the solution to this once unsolvable question is only one expertly embdedded poll away from being discovered.

Below, you’ll find said poll. You’ll also find that, beyond a simple “Yes” and “No,” there’s a space where the reader-commenter can enter his own answer — a feature I believe will help us achieve Maximum Knowledge in this endeavor.

For those who were too young to watch — or just didn’t care about — Game 2 of the 1991 World Series, the abovely embedded image appears merely to be a depiction of the Kama Sutra maneuver known as the Melancholy Sea Captain.

Those familiar with the aforementioned game might be amused to discover that a bobblehead of the very famous Ron Gant/Kent Hrbek contretemps (pictured below) is being distributed as we speak to 10,000 friendly faced Minnesotans at Target Field.

Relive the excitement of the event via this low-resolution daguerreotype:

Historical event brought to author’s attention by THE Dan Lurie.

If someone were to ask you what you know about Tony Phillips and your reply were something to the effect of, “He was a great, if underrated, player for the A’s and Tigers,” then your reply would be incorrect, on account of it (i.e. your hypothetical reply) is in the past tense.

In fact, Tony Phillips, who turned 52 in April, appears to be an active ballplayer — for the Yuma Scorpions of the North American League.

Signed in mid-July, Phillips has posted a line of .317/.417/.415, with more walks than strikeouts, in 41 at-bats — i.e. not entirely dissimilar from the .266/.374/.389 he posted as a major leaguer.

Granted, that’s less impressive when considered in the context of the NABL’s league-wide line of .295/.378/.449, but it’s still above average and Phillips is still, uh, aged.

At this time, NotGraphs is unable to substantiate the mostly related rumor that Stan Javier and Walt Weiss were seen taking grounders in what was described as a “purposeful” manner.

Pauly Shore-style weasel handshake for Mike Silva.

the Pittsburgh Pirates shout because they won
and in a sense we’re all winning
we’re alive

— Frank O’Hara, “Steps”

One of the challenges of life is finding new ways to remind ourselves that it (i.e. life) is amazing. Louis CK laments our ability to do this consistently in a popular appearance on Conan O’Brien. But Louis CK has, by no means, cornered the market on attempting to reveal for the benefit of an audience that we’re all, always, winning.

In a sense, the work of poet Frank O’Hara — who, if you’re not familiar with him, was kind of a big deal in the the tiny, tiny world of poems — represents a constant attempt to provoke the reader into re-seeing the world.

In fact, if O’Hara’s work has a flaw, it’s that it suffers from an excess of enthusiasm. In baseball, we learn, only so many opportunities present themselves for the walkoff home run (or walkoff other-type-of-thing) and its attendant joys. Just as the constraints of a baseball game only conspire to create so many revelatory moments, so do the constraints of life. Pretending otherwise is disingenuous; writing poems that pretend otherwise makes those poems feel strained.

But O’Hara’s work is successful enough of the time to be important. And the reader, using discretion, can shape his approach to O’Hara’s work to maximize its benefits. The comparisons to how we might approach life are too obvious to be explicated. The difficulty, of course, is in the actual doing. When we speak of life being difficult, I assume this is what we’re talking about.