I wanted to wait — but I just couldn’t — until Fat Tuesday (aka Mardi Gras) and dub it the Feast Day of the lovable Ronald “Ronnie” Belliard, who was know for approaching most days as though they were the last before a prolonged period of fasting, and for sex scandals — two things at the core of the contemporary Pardi Gras.

French fries.

Some of you might recall a 2007 extortion case in which some bloke demanded $150k from poor pudgy Ronnie in exchange for keeping the fact that the infielder had impregnated his (i.e. the extortionist’s) daughter. You probably won’t remember (unless you are me or one of the ten kids I hung around with) the rumors I heard as an adolescent, when Ronnie played for my beloved Brewers: that the Ron-dog paid one of the Brewers’ bat boys to keep him well-stocked in porn vids. Read the rest of this entry »

Those of us who have been raised with the Internets in our mouths (or who have arrived at it later in life and still allowed it to ruin marriages and sundry other relationships) have come to expect these Internets to store and retrieve for us whatever the heck we want to look upon.

Expect the Internets to waste your time.

I assumed that the Carlos-Santana-(Cleveland-Catcher)-Carlos-Santana-(Guitar/Headwear-Prodigy) meme had been fully played out via the [potentially life-ruining] tandem of Photoshop and Blogger. Perhaps this is solipsistic, as I myself am have more than dabbled in said combo. Still, you think that a Google image search for “two carlos santanas” would return something better than this:

Sometimes, the Internets disappoint.

Really, Internets? REALLY? I guess the Baumer (that’s me) is going to have to step up yet again and start what you should have beaten dead long ago. Let’s get this trite: Read the rest of this entry »

Hi. Welcome to MLBistro, where the flavors are as big as Don Mossi’s ears. We hope you find something you like!

STARTERS

Rick Portacello Mushroom Sliders   $9
Veggie option getting a crack at our permanent menu for the first time.

Carlos JalaPeña Poppers (15)     $7
Often, you’ll miss your mouth completely when you try to eat these delicious goat-cheese-stuffed and deep-fried peppers, but when they connect, they connect with big flavor. For the price, we think it’s worth a couple of swings and misses.

Cheese Cheese Sabathia     $13
Selection of artisanal cheeses from Wisconsin, Ohio, and New York. We coat each cheese in cream cheese and top it off with a lovably crooked ball cap made of cocoa frosting.

Miguel Olivo Tapenade     $10
Thick crostini, roasted capers.

The Prince Fielder    $32
All of the above.

The David Wells     $37
The Prince Fielder, beer battered and deep-fried. Served as a misshapen brick.

The Rod Beck     $55
The David Wells, served with a six-pack of Old Style cans and a “bump.”

Read the rest of this entry »

Often, we wonder what might have happened if Napoleon or Hitler weren’t so dumb and had gone on to rule the world. Or, what if Custer didn’t die at Little Big Horn?

I’m excited that my homeboy Ryan Braun just won the NL MVP, but I had this Matt Kemp post pretty much ready to go (didn’t want to jinx Brauny, and am happy to take the credit for jinxing Kemp), so now I present this “acceptance speech” as an alternate reality. Speculative fiction, call it. Move over George Lucas.

Behold, your new king.

Read the rest of this entry »

There is a chance I will have to tussle my own hair.

Your heart felt good:
it was drippin’ pitch and made of wood.
           –“3^rd Planet”, Modest Mouse

It is not half bad to swim
half naked with seniors
when you win the MVP.

Would I do it all over again? Read the rest of this entry »

Editor’s Note: The full original title broke FanGraphs (congrats Robert!), here it is in its entirety: Ryan Braun has the ability to hit for average and significant power and his fluid swing is compact and short with tremendous bat speed and a protracted follow-through and he is a pull hitter with strong wrists and he waits well on off-speed pitches and uses the entire field and he drives the ball no matter where it is in the strike zone.

That’s all pretty true.
Let’s go with that.
Put that in the lead-in, in fact.
Hell, make that the title.

It has to be titled “Ryan Braun.”

Oh.

Read the rest of this entry »

Greg Maddux crafted a Hall of Fame career using pinpoint control, changing pitch speeds and release points, and by out-smarting hitters, among other non-STUFF-based stuff. One can hardly say that he failed to fulfill his promise.

Except when it comes to the Matter of Moustachios.

Whiskers of what could have been.

Read the rest of this entry »

Jacoby Ellsbury is suave as hell. (See photographic evidence below.) In 2011, he returned from an injury-plagued and horribly disappointing 2010 to become a 30-30 man in his age-27 season. That, in addition to his superb defense in centerfield, is sure to garner some MVP votes despite a Red Sox collapse for the ages.

“I will have that award, and that one, and that one over there, as well.”

But how will he fare against the lyrical prowess of Miggy Cashbery and Joey Bats?

A one-two, a one-two: Read the rest of this entry »

José Bautista’s story is truly an amazing one.

But let’s get it straight from the pen of the man himself, complete with, um . . . line breaks?

At his best, he’s Joey Stache, breaker of bats, hearts, and records.

Read the rest of this entry »

In the coming weeks, our comrades on the FanGraphs side of the site will make arguments for and against various 2011 MLB awards candidates. Here at NotGraphs, it’s our duty to allow said candidates to make a case for themselves on the poetic level.

First to step to the mic is AL MVP hopeful, Miguel Cabrera (aka Miggy Cashbery aka Playboy Man Baby).

Miggy Cashbery, ’bout to reck tha mic.

Read the rest of this entry »