The reason for the season, is pleasin’. Dayn Perry, so happens, wrote the book on holiday pleasin’. His body of work at NotGraphs — including his essential listening podcast appearances with Carson Cistulli — is a secret code for the ultimate holiday gift guide. Allow me to decode.
Ken Griffey Junior Executive is nothing like a junior executive. Rather, at age 20, he is the Chief Executive of World Baseball Talent. He reports directly to Willie Mays himself.
Ken Griffey Junior Executive hasn’t any time to write or type, but whatever he projects into this state-of-the-art car-phone receiver — right down to that infectious smile — is transcribed by adoring millions. Right now he is finalizing the acquisition of a majority stake in the newly public stock of fashion-sweater moguls Dolce & Cosbyana. Ken Griffey Junior Executive will see to it that his fashion-sweaters are made of 100% ebullience.
Ken Griffey Junior Executive is driving a lightly used 1988 BMW M5 not out of financial necessity (pffft!) or any sense of frugality, but rather because it is far classier than the new 1990 version of the same model. Also, his million-dollar ass cannot be put in jeopardy by the arduous task of breaking in that stiff Bimmer leather. Next month, Ken Griffey Junior Executive will buy a new lightly used 1988 BMW M5.
Ken Griffey Junior Executive was just checking in on his Ken Griffey Junior Smiles Outlet, where his used smiles are sold at wholesale prices with a portion of the profits benefitting children’s charities. Now, he is off to consult with the printer about some new business cards. Bone coloring with Silian Rail font? Eggshell with Romalian type? Ken Griffey Junior Executive is thinking of something more subtle: an off-white stock of tasteful weight, watermarked with a nautical compass…
Brian Wilson recently crossed the New York Yankees off his list of potential team to sign with — due to the fact that New York Yankees can’t have facial hair (which is dumb because, among other reasons, damn near every “original yankee” had facial hair), and Brian Wilson refuses to shave (as per Andy McCollough by way of MLBTR).
The only shower “the Beard” has ever known?
The NotGraphs Investigative Reporting Investigation Team has discovered that Wilson isn’t the only 2013-2014 free agent who has ruled out signing with the Yankees. Indeed, there are several such players, and, like Wilson, their reasons for eschewing the Bronx Bombers are as colorful as their personalities (which is to say, not all that colorful, in some cases).
Those of you testing your Hot Stove predictive skills would be wise to take into account the following info (with the player’s FanGraphs Crowdsource free agent contract ranking in parentheses):
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Hello? Oh, hi, sorry to bother you so late, it’s Matty Baseballs.
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What? It’s not that late? Haha, of course. To me, it’s always baseballs o’clock, please pardon me.
“Hello, Baseball? Matty Baseballs here. I hear you’ve got baseballs for me…”
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Although I (still) have no say whatsoever in who takes up ol’ Jim-Tim McCarver’s seat at FoxSports’ Roundtable of Sports Insights & Sports Analysis (since the last time we checked in, word is that Harold Reynolds is the front-runner — a sage decision by Fox, for sure), I will nonetheless sincerely and quixotically continue in the process of considering candidates to replace him.
Chad Finn of the Boston Globe has implored Fox to “go bold” in hiring Jim-Tim’s replacement, suggesting Pedro Martinez or Dennis Eckersley. There is no way that is bold enough for me. That is Taco Bell bold. I am looking for Brett Favre bold. So:
Candidate Profile: from Kentucky; been to Canada; kind of charming beard (via its ginger patchiness); preternatural feel for absurdism; food opinions; top-notch Twitterer; should not be confused with John Boys, Dean of Canterbury from 1619 to 1625*.
A lot of what Jim-Tim McCarver said while broadcasting felt surreal to me. Someone once wrote that he was insightful, but to me, everything Jim-Tim said sounded like a language wherein most of the words are borrowed from English, but they often have different meanings than they do in English, and the syntax is completely different. In that way, I actually sort of came to enjoy ol’ Jim-Tim.
As mentioned in the above profile, Jon Bois exhibits a preternatural feel for absurdist humor — a sort of intentional and comedic surrealism. While steeped in the language and culture of professional sports in America, Bois lives in his own world where his thoughts are molded and presented with the sincerity of Mitch Hedberg. He makes fun of sports cliché and banter, but, somehow, not in a snarky way. Perhaps Bois avoids snarkiness by exhibiting a joy in what he writes in a way that makes him vulnerable.
Many of his tweets are immediately engaging (as they often ask followers a question) yet completely ridiculous. One such:
who is the next fantasy stud & dud; well; guess what it is you
— Jon Bois (@jon_bois) September 8, 2013
I’ve been wanting to do a parsing of why the above tweet (or, say, his “Favre Watch” piece) is so funny — because it seems like they shouldn’t be so funny, yet they make me laugh whenever they pop into my head, which is pretty much every day. In said tweet there are so many basic levels of comedy:
Conclusion: Jon Bois is a comedy savant who knows some things about sports. Therefore, I consider him a strong candidate to replace Jim-Tim McCarver. I can’t really think of anything that I would like more to see on national television than Jon Bois judging, from 1-10, what ballplayers had for lunch that day, or proffering/asking for opinions on random topics that have nothing to do with the game. We’re likely to get as much or more insight from that as from most announcers presently employed.
Although I have no say whatsoever in who takes up ol’ Jim-Tim McCarver’s seat at the Roundtable of Sports Insights & Sports Analysis (it will probably be Matt Vasgersian), I will nonetheless sincerely engage in the process of considering candidates to replace him.
Candidate Profile: best-selling* baseball author, wordsmith, reviler of podcasts and beaches, vegetarian, Cardinals fan, former student of two of the three Barthelme brothers.
If we are looking for a truly patriotic candidate who is not afraid to show America’s soupbones to the Communists and other layabouts, Dayn Perry is our man. The following, while the only video argument to be made in Mr. Perry’s favor, does make a powerful argument. (Video courtesy the author’s private collection.)
Dayn brushes his teeth at least twice a day, carries a pull-up bar with him everywhere — to show hippies how muscles work — and pulls up his own bootstraps every single American day.
Also, some connection to the St. Louis Cardinals seems like a prerequisite for becoming a broadcaster at the highest levels.
In all, I consider Mr. Perry to be a very strong candidate to replace ol’ Jim-Tim.
*Dayn authored the best selling Mitzvah Chap of all time.
Seeing a well-constructed paper airplane soar hundreds of feet into the middle of a major sporting event elicits a childlike joy in me — maybe in you all, too, ye perusers of NotGraphs.
Seeing an entire dugout of professional baseball players lurch in excited unison: also a joyful thing (when it’s a team for which you’re rooting, anyway).
From the etherial guitar sample (The Clash’s “Straight to Hell”) to the cash register and firearm sound effects, “Paper Planes” by M.I.A. and Diplo is strangely triumphant and thoroughly enjoyable, as well.
Put them all together and you have this:
(GIF via MLB on Tumblr)
![](http://www.fangraphs.com/not/wp-content/uploads/2013/10/Clutterbuck-8.jpg"")
Da jersey font is Molson Serif, dontchaknow?
Woe is Bryan Clutterbuck. He doesn’t like clouds, he doesn’t like Canada, and he doesn’t like coffee! Bryan Clutterbuck probably doesn’t even like baseball any more. Also, he has a cold.
The El Paso Ambulators!
Bryan Clutterbuck used to have a nice little butcher shop in Texas, regular poker game in the back after hours, sponsored a softball team. Those were the days. Big meat, loyal regulars, bone cleavers at the ready. The young Widow Johnson once made a pass at him; she went on to remarry, but not to Bryan Clutterbuck. Alas.
First there were t-shirts. Then there was FanGraphs+ and highly customizable leaderboards. Then there were various crowdsourcing projects. “What is next,” a FanGraphs reader might ask in the same way that, sure, someone might have asked what flavor of Doritos Taco Bell might use next for its line of Doritos Tacos Locos line of tacos, “in the long line of FanGraphs’ efforts to expand its reach and further please and integrate its reader-base?”
Well. The obvious choice would be to fire Carson Cistulli — every Francophilic, cholesterol-saturated bit of him. But FanGraphs, always eschewing the obvious in favor of the innovative, has gone in an entirely different direction.
So. FanGraphs is very pleased to announce the launch of FanGraphsCave™.
Starting with the 2014 MLB season, a handful of lucky FanGraphs readers can audition for the opportunity to participate in an immersive experience in a setting not unlike the mothers’ basements they already occupy for 20-24 hours out of every day.
Yes, ye acne-boiled stat-nerds, your dreams are finally coming true.
FanGraphs Managing Editor Dave Cameron speaks at the groundbreaking of the FanGraphsCave™ site.
Ground was recently broken for the FanGraphsCave™ site, at which FanGraphs Managing Editor Dave Cameron had this to say:
No expense was spared in the creation of the FanGraphsCave™. Great pains have been taken to replicate my own mother’s basement, wherein I humbly began as a baseball blogger. And while we hope to offer participating stat-nerds an environment in which they will feel at home, we also anticipate that they will meet the challenge of connecting with other stat-nerds, face-to-face, creating a real social life. Look at me: I now have a job, a wonderful wife, a young dog who is adored on several internets, and a basement of my own. I hope to encourage other stat-nerds to grow socially, perhaps marry another human being and own an adorable puppy, take videos of that puppy, and — who knows — maybe even appear on the television in a vest.[Emphasis inflected by Cameron.]
Drew Smyly was a revelation coming out of the bullpen for the Tigers in 2013, posting a 2.31 FIP and 2.65 SIERA in 76 IP. With that number of innings, it’s obvious that he wasn’t just a LOOGY either, adopting a sort of all-or-nothing approach against righty hitters that yielded a higher K% than he achieved against lefty hitters — and generally resulted in more nothing and less all (.304 wOBA vs. righties).
An especially dominant first half by Smyly led to many to begin wondering whether the Tigers would have him stretch out as starter, especially given the middling performance of the team’s fifth starter, Rick Porcello. After all, Smyly had posted solid numbers in 94.1 IP as a starter in 2012, while Porcello — at least on the surface — was pitching poorly in the first half of 2013 (though Porcello’s 4.80 first-half ERA belied his 3.03 xFIP during the same period).
In early July, however, Tigers’ manager Jim Leyland put to rest any speculation on the matter of Smyly-as-stretched-out-second-half-starter:
no plans to change Smyly's role – "I'm not stretching him out. He can stretch out during the winter – on his bed" #Tigers Leyland
— Tom Gage (@Tom_Gage) July 9, 2013
Now that the proverbial but palpably painful winter has begun for the Tigers, we might begin to wonder again whether Drew Smyly will begin to stretch out 2014. Additionally, we may wonder whether he will do so on his bed as Leyland recommended, and if so, what might that look like. In fact, it brings to mind quite a number of questions about stretching, beds, bed stretches, Drew Smyly, winter, this winter specifically, death, etc. Here are some of those questions: