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Delectable and Debatable Dotes for April 12:

1. Is Drew “Smyly” False Advertising?
2. Groupon Offer: MLB Team Toasters
3. Mystery Shrouds Ottoneu Tweet

Is Drew “Smyly” False Advertising?

Southpaw Drew Smyly will make his MLB debut for the Tigers today against the Rays. He’s a bit of an under-the-radar prospect, but is gaining interest at sites such as this one. Carson Cistulli noted some notable scouting notes in his Daily Notes column today on the analytical portion of the site. However, the NotGraphs reader will no doubt be applying different type of scrutiny when looking upon Smyly’s premier as they try to answer the question, Just how smiley is Smyly?

An exhaustive (read: 45-second-long) Google image search yielded just these two non-action portraits of Mr. Smyly:

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You might think you know Toronto Blue Jays third-baseman Brett Lawrie. You might have even read an article or two about him, looked at his stats, drafted him for your fantasy baseball team, or stalked him on Facebook.

But you don’t know Brett Lawrie . . . until you know the following things:

When he was a boy, Brett Lawrie had a fascination with microphones; to this day, the very sight of them makes him giddy. “These little hand-held things make sounds bigger than they really are, or record sounds for safekeeping, for later usage. That’s awesome,” Lawrie said. “Sometimes, journalists get frustrated with me because when they stick a mic in my face all I want to do is talk about its specs, but they want to talk about baseball or some shit. But I can’t help it. Mics are just so cool.”

Brett Lawrie like mics.

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A friend of mine emailed me the play-by-play of the bottom of the 5th inning of the game between the Dodgers and Padres at Petco on Saturday, April 7. It was amusing enough as it was, but it’s even more amusing if you look at the pitch-by-pitch:

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The Miami Marlins gave away a “Marlins Commemorative Opening Night Lanyard” (more like lameyard, amirite?) to fans who attended the premier regular season game at Marlins Stadium last night.

In case you were wondering what other teams are giving away in their respective home openers today, NotGraphs has compiled a list:
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This recent YouTube video imparts several bits of info about Miami Marlins (AKA “Those Miami Darlins”) owner Jeffrey Loria. To wit:

1. Jeffrey Loria appears as though he is chewing on something at all times, possibly the insides of his cheeks.

2. After watching some spring training action, Jeffrey Loria believes that the combination new Marlins/Darlins players and the team’s youngers players, who now have more experience, are ready to “gel into something special” in 2012.

3. Jeffrey Loria knows how to sign “gel into something special” in American Sign Language:

“Gel into something special”

A man of culture — and of regularly rigid arm hairs — Jeffrey Loria is.

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Dotes for the day after April Fool’s Day:
 
1. Steve Balboni’s Inbox Is Full
2. “McGehee, Hague homer for Pirates in tie with Rays” in Running for Most Boring Headline of Spring
3. NotGraphs Editor Carson Cistulli Breaks All the Rules…
 

Steve Balboni’s Inbox Is Full

Steve Balboni hit a few homeruns that he, himself, had never seen anyone else hit as far. Steve Balboni has played at the highest level and knows what it takes to get there. Steve Balboni has noticed that many young players coming up through the minors have not been taught properly. Steve Balboni can show you how to improve your swing and hit the ball harder. (Looking at you, Dee Gordon.) Steve Balboni is offering a “new” “hitting instruction DVD”.

Maybe that’s why his inbox is full:

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Here’s the lineup for today’s (Not Quite) Daily Dotes:

1. Wade Boggs: Drunken Master
2. Bruce Chen Abandons Twitter Account, Comedians Anxious
3. Bartolo Colón Appears Sated, Nation Breathes Sigh of Relief
4. Rotowire: Brandon Inge In Danger of Making Opening Day Roster

Wade Boggs: Drunken Master

Behold: The ruddy cheeks of the Master.

Wade Boggs, famous for eating an entire chicken before every regular season game, and for drinking something-less-than-64 beers on a cross-country flight, apparently also had a sense of humor of which Stephen Root might be proud.

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Here’s what’s in today’s edition of (Not Quite) Daily Dotes:

1. People Who Jamie Moyer Is Older Than
2. Kevin Youkilis Wears Big League Chew Shirt
3. D’Backs “Unveil” Rotation

People Who Jamie Moyer Is Older Than

Thanks to this article, which was posted to the message board of one of my fantasy leagues by the league’s commissioner, I spent too much time this morning looking at celebrity birthdays to see who Jamie Moyer is older than now. For the purposes of creating a list that wouldn’t drive us all insane, I limited myself to people born in 1963 (Moyer was born 11/18/1962) and I mostly stuck to pro athletes who played in the United States, with a sprinkling others for context.

Jamie Moyer, probably to be played by Chris Cooper in MLB: The Movie.

It was fascinating to see how many baseball players especially that had fallen out of my ready frame of reference — i.e. that I consider relics of a previous era in MLB/pro sports — of whom Jamie Moyer was a contemporary. Here’s a short list of people who Moyer is older than:
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Here’s the table of contents for today’s edition of (Not Quite) Daily Dotes, in which several situations are misdiagnosed, using the definition of “dote”:

3. A piece of folly. . . . Obs.

1. Diagnosed: Carlos Gomez
2. Diagnosed: Chipper Jones
3. Diagnosed: Ozzie Guillen

Diagnosed: Carlos Gomez

White stool was the first indication of larger problems for Gomez.
Kyle Terada-US PRESSWIRE

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Bronson Arroyo, “aspiring musician” and erstwhile starting pitcher, knows that he is getting older (he’s 35, now). He says he’s worried about his “23-, 24-, 23-year-old” competition. He says he’s worried that he might not look good as an old man. With these concerns in mind, Mr. Arroyo has forayed into new territory this spring: the kitchen!

>
No chef’s hat!

Let it be known (mostly to the ladies) that Bronson Arroyo, “seasoned” “veteran”, still got it:

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