Author Archive

Derek Jeter Expands Gift Basket Roster

MLB rosters expanded to 40 spots back on September 1. Following suit today, Mr. Yankee Derek Jeter expanded the roster of those who are eligible to receive a Derek Jeter Gift Basket™.

The future Hall of Famer said the idea came to him in a cold sweat, in the middle of the night on Saturday — a rare night that he spent alone.

“It sorta reminded me of that movie — what’s that movie? Jerry Magruber? With Charlie Sheen and Calista Frockert? You know how the guy wakes up and writes something down that ends up changing his life? Well, I didn’t write anything down, but otherwise it was sorta like that.”

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Who knows the most about baseball?

Tops among the things about which I spend a lot of time thinking: baseball, and ways that I suck as a human being.

I probably “know” more about baseball than almost every person that I encounter on a daily basis. (Not a lot of hardcore sports fans coming through the doors of Woodland Pattern Book Center, and my housemates are mostly hipsters.) For seconds at a time, even, that thought embues me with a sense of uniqueness — and uniqueness is justification for existence, isn’t it?

However, each day I also partake of the Realm of the Intertrodes (aka Interbert J. Internets), where I have another kind of life that’s filled with dozens of people who know all sorts of things about baseball, where there are entities like FanGraphs, or Joe Blog.

During my e-time, then, I remember that I don’t know shit about baseball. (And yet, I write for this awesome site.) I’ve been having this feeling for a long time. Consider this blogpost I made over three years ago, when writing for a site like this wasn’t even a glimmer in my eye. In the post, I admire one of Carson’s FanGraph posts about Mark Bellhorn. Over two years later, Carson saw enough in me to allow me to post here. Though I’ve thoroughly relished the opportunity, some days I am filled with dread at the idea of having to post something here, where many of the readers (it’s apparent through comments) are just as fit or much fitter for this task.

Today is one such day. And in my dread, for some reason, I googled “who knows the most about baseball”, and what I found was underwhelming, as you can see in the image above.

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Pittsburgh, It’s Pouring

A couple of weeks ago, based on the findings of a rigorous study, I offered advice to those baseball fans whose teams were effectively (though not mathematically) out of contention for a playoff spot this year. The advice was: regarding the AL, root for the A’s or the Orioles; regarding the NL, adopt the Pittsburgh Pirates.

As both Navin and Mississippi Matt have pointed out in the last week, there’s magic and mystery surrounding the Orioles as they continue to win despite what their run differential might suggest. They’re sitting in a tie for first place in the AL East, having bested the Yankees in a Labor Day weekend series.

The Oakland A’s have also been playing out of their minds, posting a 39-17 record since July 1. They’re still in the AL West divisional race, and, if the regular season ended today, would receive the second wild card spot.


Pittsburgh is friggin’ beautiful, even when it rains. Image: Justin K. Aller

Meanwhile, the Pirates have gone 12-20 since the beginning of August, all but wasting their 59-44 record before that.

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Leaderboards of Laziness

Mayhap you are back to work on this Tuesday, which is supposed to be the most productive day of the work week, according to Business Journal. But not for you; you are avoiding doing actual work at work by covertly reading NotGraphs and/or Jon Bois’s lunch ratings at Progressive Boink.

Very well. In honor of not doing work at work, which might function as a pedestrian, contemporary definition of “laziness,” and following up on yesterday’s Leaderboards of Labor, I’d like to present Leaderboards of Laziness. Without further ado…

The Laziest Pitchers Based on Innings Pitched per Game
Minimum 50 Innings Pitched…

Name Team Age G IP TBF Pitches IP/G
Chad Durbin Braves 34 66 53.2 223 854 0.81
Sean Burnett Nationals 29 61 50.2 210 833 0.82
Sean Marshall Reds 29 60 50.2 218 859 0.84
Matt Reynolds Rockies 27 62 53.2 230 916 0.86
Joel Peralta Rays 36 64 55 214 872 0.86
Brad Ziegler Diamondbacks 32 65 56 220 788 0.86
Heath Bell Marlins 34 61 53 246 1013 0.87
Rex Brothers Rockies 24 61 53.2 236 935 0.87
Santiago Casilla Giants 31 57 50.1 219 820 0.88
Brett Myers – – – 31 57 50.2 216 779 0.88
Matt Thornton White Sox 35 61 54.2 227 859 0.89
Fernando Salas Cardinals 27 56 50.1 215 876 0.89
Aaron Crow Royals 25 60 54.1 215 819 0.90
Bobby Parnell Mets 27 61 55.1 240 947 0.90

 
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Leaderboards of Labor

In USA today, many of us will slack off as we celebrate the historically important labor of others. It’s a nice detail — considering that this is a site that covers (mostly) Major League Baseball — that the American Labor Day was probably inspired by an annual labour festival in Toronto.

And as we celebrate labor by farting in bed, our laptops searing our thighs, our favorite MLB teams and players will be toiling away for our pleasure. Why not honor the players that have done the most work this season by perusing the following Leaderboards of Labor? There’s no good reason not to — save meat stupor. Meat stupor is the perfect reason to not be able to see straight enough to read these leaderboards.

Those pitchers who have labored most, as measured by Pitches Thrown, Innings Pitched, and Total Batters Faced
This first Leaderboard of Labor (which is sortable) shows the top 20 pitchers in terms of Pitches thrown. It also mostly contains the top 20 pitchers in terms of Total Batters Faced and Innings Pitched. However, pitchers like Homer Bailey and Ricky Romero have faced a lot of batters without cracking the top 20 in terms of IP or Pitches thrown; so, they’re not on this leaderboard.

You can check out the entire leaderboard if you like.

Name Team Age IP TBF Pitches
Justin Verlander Tigers 29 196.1 784 3084
James Shields Rays 30 182 775 2964
Clayton Kershaw Dodgers 24 192.2 764 2932
Felix Hernandez Mariners 26 204 806 2930
C.J. Wilson Angels 31 170.1 727 2905
Johnny Cueto Reds 26 181.2 736 2886
Jake Peavy White Sox 31 181 731 2853
Max Scherzer Tigers 27 162.2 688 2847
Yovani Gallardo Brewers 26 168.2 707 2846
Jason Vargas Mariners 29 184.2 750 2834
Edinson Volquez Padres 28 160.1 700 2831
Justin Masterson Indians 27 172.1 756 2827
Jon Lester Red Sox 28 169 721 2818
Madison Bumgarner Giants 22 182 730 2804
Tim Lincecum Giants 28 157.1 696 2797
David Price Rays 26 174 688 2782
Matt Cain Giants 27 182 725 2770
Clayton Richard Padres 28 190.1 783 2743
Ubaldo Jimenez Indians 28 154 702 2743
Hiroki Kuroda Yankees 37 183.1 733 2740


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New NotGraphs Stats, Investigative Teams

In a series of posts yesterday, some longer than others, Davids Appleman and Cameron introduced new stats, exclusive to FanGraphs, that help us to evaluate pitcher success. The discerning baseball fan will find these indispensable going forward — or at least they will find them to be an excuse to sit at a computer, staring at custom leaderboards for dozens of additional hours while their social lives and muscles atrophy.

Indeed, FanGraphs has become known for its insightful analysis and groundbreaking statistical endeavors. NotGraphs, on the other hand, if it has become known, has become known for…not those things.


Keeping up with the Davids.

But that is not to say that we NotGraphers are oblivious to the standards of excellence established by our parent site. That is why, in hasty, scrambling reaction to these exciting developments at FanGraphs, we at NotGraphs are announcing several new “stats” of our own, and even several new Investigative Reporting Investigation Teams. What follows are names and brief descriptions of said, on which we have no intention of following up.

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Name That Face

Who is this baseball player?

Without using any type of fancy search method, peruse these images and type in your answer at the end, via NotGraphs Advanced Poll Technology (NGAPT™).

Many thanks to my buddy LAC3 for the idea. I didn’t do it justice.


Obviously the one on the left here.

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Bob Ross: NotGraphs Name Match (#1)

Bob Ross.

Who is he?

Major player in the PBS golden years and landscape painter extraordinaire? Freunde to all who would have him via the tele-waves? Creator of happy little trees, happy little clouds?

Or, Major League Baseball player, pitcher for the Washington Senators in 1950, ’51, and the Philadelphia Phillies in ’56? Purveyor, it seems, of sad little fastballs, sad little curves, plenty many walks, sad few strikeouts?

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Brandon Phillips Does the Mudd Foot (GIF!)

Inspired by the work of my colleague Patrick Dubuque last Friday, especially by the phrase “cognizant that our identities are really just a collection of our obligations,” I myself would like to much less subtly suggest that our identities are really just a collection of pop cultural associations.

Based on that premise, my identity is probably comprised of equal parts Mrs. Doubtfire and The Diabolical Biz Markie. Here at NotGraphs, we hope that within a generation our readers’ identities will be dictated solely by the sad carnival of GIFs and other art works, memes, “research,” jokes, writing styles, and the alternatively crude/gentlepersonly/apocalyptic sensibility contained here at the site.

With all these things in mind, I would like to present Brandon Phillips doing the “Mudd Foot,” a dance created by the Diabolical Biz himself, in reference to the homophonic Fat Albert character, Mudfoot.


“It’s an animated dance for my employment.”

The GIF will make you ill or send you into seizure, as many things on NotGraphs might do (e.g. many of Carson’s posts). The Bizzy stylings will make you nostalgic for simpler times, when one could get on tha mic and be genuinely weird — as many things at NotGraphs might do. Finally, the image of ol’ Mudfoot will help replace your memories of grandparents’ faces with the image of the Colonel getting served, the memory of their voices with the sound of Bob Uecker’s, the memory of their elderly smells with the imagined smell of Dick Allen’s cigarette smoke wafting up from a dugout.

So, play the YouTube video that’s embedded after the jump, watch Brandon Phillips do the Mudfoot. When you need a break, gaze upon ol’ Mudfoot telling a tale. Let your identity be one with NotGraphs…

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Chipper Jones Speaks in Tongues

Bit of old news, but did anyone notice Chipper Jones’s tweet on August 2? Allow me to remind you:

The tweet begins intelligibly enough. Chipper thinks the Atlanta Braves need a dome; he does not care for lengthy rain delays. Okay, good. Points are clearly, almost cogently expressed.

Then begins the lapse in logic, among other problems.

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