We don’t often use it (because it’s expensive, and Cameron usually won’t let us NotGraphs idiots touch it), so it’s been a while since we’ve dusted off the old FanGraphs time machine. While he was distracted by Liberty’s incessant need to play with a squeaky thing, however, I managed to sneak it out of the storage closet next to his office and squirrel it away in the constantly flooding basement that serves as NotGraphs headquarters. Just for funsies, let’s try to send Sam Donnellson’s latest article in the Philadelphia Daily News all the way back to the halcyon days of  1998–when the Internet was brimming with promise, America was relatively free of foreign conflicts, and I was fully enmeshed in the terribly complex politics of competing collegiate a cappella groups–without electrocuting ourselves, and see what happens to it:

The hardest part about being a parent may be imparting wisdom. Your logic could be rock solid, your delivery empathetic and on point, but the words just don’t have the intended impact.

So when Tony Fossas took his 12-year-old son to meet his favorite player this spring, there was an ulterior motive.

“Did you do pushups when you were a kid?” he asked Alex Rodriguez. Read the rest of this entry »

“All tucked in sport? Did you brush your teeth? Good. OK, good night. See you in the morning.”

“Daddy, wait.”

“What is it?”

“I’m scared.”

“Scared of what?”

“I’m scared … I’m scared about my UCL.”  Read the rest of this entry »

Dick Allen — smoker, All-Star, activist, eternal bon vivant. If you’re reading (or writing) these electronic pages, you either secretly wish that you were Dick Allen, or you publicly wish that you were Dick Allen. Well. Good news for all of us: this summer, NotGraphs Press will release its first publication, Be Your Own Dick Allen, designed to help even the most Cistullian among us to access our inner Dicks.

Inside the above very handsome volume, readers will find fashion advice, hot takes on tobacco products, a sleeve of pine-tar paper, best practices for loins-bearing and all-star hitting, and inspirational quotes designed to help you achieve maximum Dick Allen-ness in everyday life, just to name a few treats.

To whet your appetites for this groundbreaking publication — as if your appetites for things Dick Allen were in need of whetting — we share below a few of those quotes from the aura (if not from the actual mouth) of Dick Allen himself.

Read the rest of this entry »

April 22, 1890: Emile Kinst (pictured below) files for patent on certain new and useful Improvements in Ball-Bats. The profundity of this breakthrough, which changed the sport forever, is best appreciated by reading Kinst’s own words.

Read the rest of this entry »

PROS

1. Getting out of our apartment.
2. Getting to go to a baseball game.
3. Having the memory of taking him to a baseball game.
4. Having pictures of the two of us at a baseball game.
5. Posting pictures on Facebook of the two of us at a baseball game.
6. Eating a hot dog.
7. I don’t think he needs his own ticket.
8. Tickets are super-cheap anyway.
9. Getting out of our apartment.
10. Getting to go to a baseball game.

CONS

1. Putting sunscreen on him is kind of annoying.
2. Getting to the game would be sort of a huge ordeal.
3. They do not have pureed hot dogs.
4. He has no idea what a baseball game is.
5. He will need a nap.
6. There is no way I want to change a diaper in a bathroom at a baseball stadium.
7. There is no way he will not need me to change his diaper in the time between leaving our apartment and returning to our apartment.
8. He will need another nap.
9. He will probably not have any interest in the baseball game.
10. He will put his hand in the mustard on my hot dog.
11. He will probably touch something dirty and then put his hand in his mouth.
12. The “something dirty” is probably the hot dog.
13. He will not cheer at the right times.
14. He will be bad at catching foul balls.
15. He will not really know where we are or remember this activity.
16. I will need a nap.
17. I will be risking that he becomes a Mets fan.

Boyd claims to feel on the inside how the peasants in this painting look on the outside.

A local resident is in poor condition today after dreaming last night that, instead of being on the 15-day disabled list, Cincinnati outfielder Jay Bruce actually isn’t on the 15-day disabled list.

“It was disturbingly realistic,” said a visibly shaken Warren Boyd, 34, outside of his suburban condominium on Tuesday morning. “I was walking by a display of televisions — like you might see at a Best Buy, for example. They were tuned to the Reds game, and I clearly saw Jay Bruce coming up to bat. And I was surprised, because he’s on my fantasy team, and I’d just removed him that morning from my active roster.”

Read the rest of this entry »

An anagram of NotGraphs is GraphSnot.

According to this helpful chart, based on the color of the FanGraphs background, we need to seek emergency medical attention immediately.

Of course, based on the color specifically of the NotGraphs section, our problem is likely even more serious than that.

I just spent ten minutes attempting to put snot on a graph, but my photoshopping skills are poor, and I could not come up with anything even closed to post-able.

And the standard for post-able-ness is clearly low, since this is a post.

So if someone can put snot on a graph for me, you win the NotGraphs supporting player of the week award.

Other anagrams of NotGraphs include:

Harp Tongs
Rap Thongs
Spa Throng

and the terribly graphic

Shat Prong

Ouch.

So this post could have been a whole lot worse.

(If you google “rap thongs,” you get these. Safe for work. Flip-flops, not underwear.)

(If you google “harp tongs,” you get actual pictures of metal tongs, because that appears to actually be something real.)

Whoever said you can’t waste time on the Internet was wrong.

The Victorino	The Emotional Substance

Read the rest of this entry »

Earlier today, in the pages of FanGraphs proper, the author noted that Arizona right-hander Chase Anderson would be making his major-league debut against the Chicago Americans. Later today — which is to also say, now — that same author is noting that Chase Anderson’s major-league debut is complete. One thing Anderson produced was a 6:1 strikeout-to-walk ratio (box). Another thing he produced was the blessed changeup against Adam Dunn reproduced here for the placation of the braying masses.

Read the rest of this entry »

Dan of MyKBO reports via Twitter that there were only five bat flips in the Korean baseball league on Friday — which figure appears to represent the low end so far as that particular circuit’s daily total is concerned.