I spent this morning learning how to make GIFs, which officially ushers in the decay phase of my writing career.

In this GIF–which I alone brought into existence–Ben Revere makes an athletic dive but just misses the ball:

And here, in this GIF that I made by the singular strength of my will, Phillies prospect Mario Hollands makes a routine infield fly look harder than finishing Infinite Jest:

The proximity in time (back-to-back) of these two plays(depicted by hand-hewn GIFs) leads one to wonder what lesson lies behind these normally irrelevant spring training events. The lesson, if there is one, may be best described by the also normally irrelevant Yorman Bazardo, who observed*, “No matter how hard you try, someone else will succeed where you failed–someone with far less talent and poise.”

*Note: Did not actually say/observe this.

Prescriptions for Paxil soared in response to Matt Harvey’s injury.

It’s no secret that major leaguers, like other high-profile athletes, supplement their sporting incomes by means of endorsement deals for various commercial products. Some such arrangements are well known, of course: Robinson Cano for Nike, for example, and Joe Mauer for Head & Shoulders.

Not all such endorsements are so visible, however. Below are fives examples of lesser-known deals that presently exist.

Alex Rodriguez for Monsanto
“What we really wanted,” says Dave Harding, a spokesman for the influential agricultural/biotech company, “is a spokesman who embodied the principles upon which our business is built: being super rich and without any discernible moral compass.”

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PHOENIX — Ryan Braun lashed out today at MLB’s new confidence testing program, insisting that his positive result for confidence was tainted by the anti-semitic Cubs fan urine collector who handled the sample improperly, dumping a bucket of extra confidence in before it was sent off to the lab. “I have never been confident, and, really, I have no reason to be confident since I am no longer taking drugs,” Braun insisted. The commissioner’s office is considering punishment for Braun due to excess confidence — the penalty for the first violation is being the subject of an hour of sports talk radio.

As the largely irresponsible leaderboard published by the author today at FanGraphs indicates, Washington right-hander Taylor Jordan has been the best pitcher of spring training by an obscure, if methodologically sound, metric devised by that same author that was just mentioned.

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Annotated racking information c/o the USPS and Carson Cistulli’s boundless imagination.

Sometimes it’s the case in this world that, if you ask, you also shall receive. This post is an example of a different thing, however — namely, of not asking, but receiving anyway.

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Owing largely to the symptoms of oppressive ennui, this scribe and his open sores have assembled an All-Star team of players based upon the calculated inversion of the first letter of said player’s first and last names. Please regard the following outputs:

C – Krik Eratz
1B – Gaul Poldschmidt
2B – Greddy Falvis
3B – Yevin Koukilis
SS – Cack Zozart
LF – Yelmon Doung
CF – WeWayne Dise
RF – Byle Klanks
DH – Billy Butler
RHS – Foug Dister
LHS – Hole Camels
RHRs – Fanny Darquhar, Beath Hell
LHR – Plen Gerkins
Top prospect: Mommy Tendonca
Emeritus: Few Lord (citation: @neal_kendrick)
Manager: Suck Bhowalter

This has been the Stupid “All-Inverted First Letters of Names” Team. Thank you for your squandered time.

CAPTION: Ervin Santana checking to see if there is any news yet as far as his decision.

In breaking Ervin Santana news…

Santana still deciding what to eat for breakfast yesterday

It was initially reported that Santana had accepted an offer from waffles, but after french toast swooped in with the promise of a smaller deal with more incentives (free syrup), Santana promised to decide by 5PM. The deadline came and went with no answer, the waffles got cold, and then cereal came in with a three-bowl offer worth a reported 42 mini marshmallows. As the days continue to pass, we await word….

Santana hoping to pick out his costume today for Halloween ’09

After more than 50 months of no updates from Santana regarding the costume he would be wearing to a 2009 Halloween party, we heard this weekend that he had chosen to go with Captain Sully Sullenberger, who made the heroic emergency plane landing on the Hudson. This would have ended a 4+ year impasse, but we then received conflicting reports that he had decided to go as Michael Jackson’s doctor. Complicating things even further — a last-minute rumor that Santana would actually be dressing as Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor. All three costumes await further news…

Santana realizes Daylight Savings Time mistake

“Oh, when I said 5:00, I thought because of Daylight Savings Time, that was going to be next week. I promise, I promise, I’ll decide before the All-Star Break. Or before I get an arm injury. I hope. Maybe I’ll flip a coin. Do they have coins in Canada?”

Santana injured in accidental shooting

Unclear whether Alex Anthopoulos, Dan Duquette, or Terry Ryan is the leading suspect. Or perhaps it’s all of the fantasy baseball players who had drafts this past weekend.

Obviously we were all watching during the 10th inning of the Rays-Yankees game when Mark Montgomery struck out Vince Belnome and then celebrated with a televised snot ejaculation. But that doesn’t mean the event didn’t merit an entry in the index of Great Body Fluid GIFs. This way, we can preserve this moment between these two fine, if not well known, athletes.

The tracking number has been obscured, in case murderers read this.

A lot of people email me or contact me by way of social media because they’re interested in how a successful and handsome and talented and handsome Real Author conducts his affairs.

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It is not presently important how the author came to possess a Leisure Card of both former Reds right-hander Mario Soto and Grammy-nominated R& or B recording artist Al B. Sure. What is important is that these cards may be arranged in such a way so as to give the impression that Mr. Soto is about to heave the ball at an unsuspecting Mr. B. Sure. Please observe …

Note two things: First, that the author’s moron’s feeding table serves as our backdrop and, second, that the author couldn’t even be bothered to take a decent photograph with his dolt’s telephone.

After that note that Mario Soto is throwing the ball at Al B. Sure. Sure, Al B. looks self-impressed right now, what with his album sales and Wikipedia entry of Cistullian breadth, but what happens when Mario Soto hits him in the neck with a baseball? What then?

When Sartre called us “useless passions,” he wasn’t talking about this, that’s for damn sure.