Check out what we will wear in today's game for #StPatricksDay! #Mets pic.twitter.com/OEfvMcbc7G

— New York Mets (@Mets) March 17, 2014

and former Met / current disgruntled ex-Met Justin Turner

It’s time for baseball season in Japan, much as it is in America. Here’s a sampling of some marketing slogans for the teams across the drink.

“Show the Spirit — Dream.”

Yokohama DeNA BayStars
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At RotoGraphs today — and also during breakfast this morning at a Tempe-area diner — the absurdly coiffed Eno Sarris presented evidence to the effect that, by one definition, that baseball’s best pitch in 2013 was the changeup belonging to right-handed Mets reliever Gonzalez Germen.

“I shall manufacture a GIF of it, then!” I announced during that same breakfast in response to Eno’s comments. “I have manufactured a GIF of it!” I am proclaiming right now, because Truth is the star by which my ship is guided.

The context having been established, then, I present this footage from September 27th of Germen striking out Milwaukee infielder Jeff Bianchi by way of the changeup:

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Salt River Field: Just one example of where you can sit in the shade while also drinking.

A recent study conducted by the author at Salt River Field in Scottsdale, Arizona, reveals that SITTING IN THE SHADE AND DRINKING is a wonderful pastime worthy of our attention.

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(Corrected from earlier draft, “Hopeless Joe’s Ten Old Prescriptions.” Apologies for misunderstanding the assignment.)

1. Dan Haren proves to be the Dodgers’ most valuable starter.

When the entire rotation is carved up by a serial killer and sold for parts on the black market.

2. Chris Davis strikes out over 200 times.

Combined results from his in-person attempts and interactions via his profile on Match.com. (Don’t tell his wife.)

3. A member of the Braves’ front office staff is forced to undergo ligament-removal surgery after the team runs out of ligaments to use in Tommy John surgery.

Probably an intern. As a former internship director of mine once said, “interns are only good for their body parts, including their orifices.” (That was one of my best jobs.)

4. The Pirates lead the majors in Twins; the Twins lead the majors in Pirates.

Ahoy, Sam Deduno. And welcome to Pittsburgh, Winklevoss brothers.

5. Alcides Escobar wins his lawsuit against Paul Simon, claiming to be the original writer of Simon’s hit song, “You Can Call Me Al.”

In a related development, Asdrubal Cabrera releases a hit single, “You Can Call Me As.”

6. Stephen Drew signs with the Houston Rockets.

3 years, $45 million. Goes on to lead the league in rebounds.

7. J.P. Arencibia wins the Triple Crown.

Because baseball doesn’t really seem to be working out for him anymore.

8. The world doesn’t end in 2014.

Look, I think that’s bold, given everything we’re doing to this planet. Have you been outside recently? (I haven’t.)

9. Ruben Tejada leads the Mets in runs.

Probably his diet.

10. Jim Leyland rises from the grave and re-takes the Tigers’ managerial position.

What? Jim Leyland is still alive?? That’s impossible. Well, I guess I’ll just save this prediction for next year.

LOS ANGELES — In a move to address their crowded-outfield situation and alleviate some payroll concerns, the Los Angeles Dodgers have traded Carl Crawford for a player to be named later. As expected, due to Crawford’s sizable contract, he was traded to the the Los Angeles Dodgers, ostensibly the only team that could take on his salary.

“We’re very excited to have Carl as a member of the Dodgers,” Los Angeles GM Ned Colletti said in a press conference. “He’s a tremendous talent, and I think he’s exactly what we need to push us deeper into the playoffs this season.”

“We are big fans of Carl, and we certainly wish him the best of luck,” Dodgers GM Ned Colletti said during a conference call with reporters. “It was an unfortunate situation for us to lose him, but we feel this move will help our team position ourselves to have a highly-competitive squad for years to come.”

Los Angeles and the Dodgers seemed like perfect trade partners, due to Los Angeles’ ballooning payroll and the Dodgers’ seemingly bottomless pockets. And as rumors swirled around Crawford’s possible trade, the Dodgers seemed to be the only team that could afford him.

“I think both teams certainly benefit from the trade,” said one of the Collettis, probably the first one. “Every team engages in trades to get better. Los Angeles did, and I think Dodgers fans will agree that their team did too.”

There has been no official word on who the player to be named later will be, but many insiders have speculated that it could be Andre Ethier.

The already questionable Milwaukee bullpen was thrown into disarray earlier this week by the news that Francisco Rodriguez had sustained a serious injury. K-Rod has received the preliminary diagnosis of a third-degree PCSI (Plantar Cactaceous Spinaceous Implantation), and while the veteran righty will be soliciting a second opinion next week from Dr. James Andrews, he is by all accounts already preparing himself for a procedure that will sideline him indeterminately.

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When a man has sexual feelings inside of himself, the way he generally wants to express them is by means of rubbing his hands awkwardly all over the object of his affections — a task which, upon completion, he commemorates by means either of a celebratory fist pump or other, similar celebratory gesture.

Photographic evidence from the cover of the Dodgers game-day program suggests that Adrian Gonzalez has completed such a task. For photographic evidence suggests that Adrian Gonzalez, first baseman of your Los Angeles Dodgers, has gotten to second base with the whole desert.

It is a basic property of mathematics, as first described by the three-year-old son of Aristaeus the Elder, Aristaeus the Third*, that a trilogy must contain a third (i.e., 3rd, a.k.a. IIIerd) part lest it be a duology, which is a very rare word that nobody wants to use because it is so easily confused with Diwaligy, which, as you know from watching Season 3 (i.e., Three, a.k.a. Robert Griffin) of The Office, is the study of the Hindu Festival of Lights, signifying the victory of light over darkness, hope over despair and the number 3 over the number 2 in a battle of which is more.

*Only later did Aristaeus the Elder, a.k.a. “Pops,” realize that his son should’ve been named Aristaeus the Younger, or “Corky.”

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There comes a time in every famous Internet writer’s life when he/she needs to purchase a new laptop. When said writer purchases said laptop, he/she may be inclined to also purchase some sort of protective cover for this laptop, which creates a situation in which this writer needs to make a life decision in regards to the design of this protective cover — as it will no doubt influence the narrative strangers in coffee shops and airports will create surrounding this writer.

This very exact situation has happened to myself. My father has a long-standing maxim — “When you reach a fork in the road, take it.” If the above-mentioned situation is a fork in a road, I have indeed taken it. This is all to say, I’ve recently made a life decision.