Archive for January, 2014

Glasscock Again Denied Access To Hallowed Hall

Jack GlasscockIn what has sadly become an annual tradition, once again the BBWAA has failed to elect John Wesley “Pebbly Jack” Glasscock to the National Baseball Hall of Fame. Glasscock, whose major league career extended 17 seasons from 1879-1895, stood out as one of the finest shortstops of the 19th century. With the stick in his hand, Glasscock managed to hit .290/.337/.374 (a 112 OPS+) and was a defensive whiz to boot. According both Fangraphs and Baseball Reference, Glasscock measured in excess of 60 wins above replacement for his career, and was easily one of the 20 most valuable shortstops in baseball history despite playing in an era where teams often played fewer than 100 games a year.

Standing just 5’8”, Glasscock was smaller than most of his contemporaries, but it proved to be more important how he used his size, as he played his position like a much bigger man and he would invariably leave his teams more than satisfied with his performance. In his prime, it was difficult indeed to get him off the field, as he led the majors in games played at short through 1899. He was always a man in motion, had intimate knowledge of the ins and outs of the sport, and seemingly would always come through in the clutch.

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Today’s Cooperstown Results Today

Oh, you were looking for something else?


Franz Kafka’s Total Look-at-Me Ballot

Kafka Ballot

The past 24 hours have been filled with some considerable discussion of baseball writer Ken Gurnick’s hall-of-fame ballot, with which Gurnick selected pitcher Jack Morris to the exclusion of other, probably more qualified candidates.

Gurnick’s trespasses hold zero candles, however, to those trespassed against us today by very late Czech author Franz Kafka, who not only somehow retains a vote for the Hall of Fame, but has used that privilege to select only Bug Holliday, a clear attempt to help sales of his famous novella Die Verwandlung — or, as it’s known commonly in English, The Metamorphosis.


Why Abraham Lincoln Is on My Hall of Fame Ballot

1865_Abraham_Lincoln_O-103c

First things first: I’ve accepted that this is a hopeless case. Abraham Lincoln won’t make it into the Hall this year, or any year. The pointy-headed math-geeks who have hijacked our culture have no time for an Honest Abe; they glance over his stat sheet, note the blank spaces with a sneer, and conclude that the rest of us ignoramuses are suffering from a sad delusion. No matter how much we might revere the guy, the numbers reveal the truth: the Great Emancipator just didn’t put up the “value” of a Tim Raines or an Alan Trammell or whatever sabermetric darling they’re mooning over lately.

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The One Tanaka GIF You HAVEN’T Seen

Tanaka 1

The facial massage technique designed by Japanese beauty expert Yukuko Tanaka is a really good kind of facial massage technique, according to the promotional materials concerning it that are available online. If the author’s understanding of the present site’s demographic is even nearly accurate, however, it’s akin to fact that the reader has not seen a video demonstration — in GIF form, specifically — of said massage technique in action.

Entirely remedied, is how one might accurately regard this aching deficit.


The Cold Weather is Pete Kozma

weather map

Suffering is universal, of course. We all suffer, and we all find ways to distract ourselves from it as often as possible. What cold weather does is make us especially unable to distract ourselves from suffering. It dissects our optimism, laying us open, piece by piece, revealing the bits that composed our wintery cheer and freezing them solid. So we complain. We moan, we cry, we tweet, we Instagram snapshots of temperature gauges and the frost in our beards. We complain a lot, and it feels good. So, to help us broaden the number of ways we can express displeasure with our nation’s airmass, allow me to put this arctic vortex in baseball terms: It’s Pete Kozma. And he’s about to bat for your team.


Tony Plush Coming Back?

Nyjer Morgan is looking to come back to the U.S. after a year in Japan.

I think Japan will miss him.


Three Minutes from Woody Allen’s Film Hannah and Her Sisters as a Distillation of the Misery That Can Be January

If asked to characterize his life at the moment, the author might very well suggest that it’s full largely of despair and also blackest despair. “Why go on?” he’s been compelled to ask recently of the stupid, unblinking moon. “Is it not just a carnival of sorrows?” he’s inquired just today, in fact, of (apparently) quite an unfriendly crow perched on the sill. A sorry state of affairs is what one finds at Chez Cistulli, is the point.

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Cliff Lee Refreshes MLBTradeRumors

cliffleelaptop

Cliff Lee refreshes MLBTradeRumors. Nothing doing. His nephews told him this was the place to find any and all trade rumors. But it is not the place to find Cliff Lee trade rumors.

He types his name into the search bar. The corner of his mouth curls when he sees words like “available,” “movable,” and “in flux.” He scrolls down some more. Bad news. “High salary,” “requesting huge return,” and “very little chance.”

Why do they keep writing my God damned age?

He opens another window. Google.com. phillies should trade cliff lee. The results are all over the place.

The Dodgers? Oh man. Nice weather. Good team. That would be cool.

Boston? I could play in Boston. I wouldn’t have to hit. They just won a World Series. I want to win a World Series. That would be cool too.

His eyes hurt. He should go to bed. His dog sighs from the floor of the adjacent room. He echoes it. He continues clicking and scrolling.

Lee would have to waive his no trade clause to be moved.

He picks up his phone and sends a text to his agent.

i told you that id waive my no trade right?

Is he up? Probably not.

He refreshes MLBTradeRumors again. Nothing new. His phone vibrates. A text from his agent.

yes


Here’s the Information You Require

Here is the collection of important news necessary to be a competent speaker about world events while attending cocktail parties and intimate office affairs, such as secret fight clubs.

MLB Trade Rumors Permanently Discredited

The UN Council of Free Press announced that popular baseball transactions and rumors blog MLB Trade Rumors would be permanently barred from the international list of accredited news sources, known as LUNAN. The barring appears to be a direct result of this link, which shows MLBTR is guilty of citing four pages worth of Dayn Perry links.

Hyun-Jin Ryu Sings in a Song


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