A poor call at second base by umpire Dana DeMuth during the first inning of Wednesday night’s World Series contest between Boston and St. Louis was overturned after DeMuth himself and the game’s five other umpires conferred (at the request of Red Sox manager John Farrell) and concluded that Cardinals shortstop Pete Kozma never, in fact, had possession of a feed from teammate Matt Carpenter.

The efforts of crew chief John Hirschbeck and his colleagues represent a commitment to reason and sense atypical not only of baseball umpires, but also of notable arbiters from history. Fortunately for all civilization, Wednesday’s Game One crew met at the conclusion of Boston’s 8-1 victory to reverse some other poor decisions from history.

Here are three examples of same, accompanied by John Hirschbeck’s comments regarding each:

Overturned Call
Socrates found guilty of corrupting Athens’ youth, introducing new gods.

Hirschbeck’s Comments
As a crew, we want to get everything right. Looking this over, with the facts at our disposal now, what we saw was less Socrates attempting specifically to corrupt young men and more trying to establish the basis for all of Western intellectual tradition.

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Note: the title of this post formerly referred to the player in question as Juan Abreu — because the author’s culturally insensitive intern took the dictation wrong, is totally why. The author, who is acquainted with all races and ethnicities equally, has corrected the mistake.

Neither the author nor scientists nor God Himself — who, as the pronoun indicates, is definitely a man, with all relevant male anatomical features — knows the answer: does the grainy footage embedded above depict a fiery ball of space rock cascading across the night sky or, alternatively, a ball hit off the bat of newest White Sox acquisition, Cuban émigré Jose Abreu?

Like the eyes of Tom Selleck from a Magnum, P.I. poster in your neighbor Mark’s basement, this question will now follow you around wherever you go — provided, mostly, that “wherever you go” is confined exclusively to your neighbor Mark’s basement.

Scientists today were excited to report that, after two years of carefully examining images of the cosmos, they have finally determined what was written in the stars two years ago during the 2011 postseason.

“This is tremendously fortuitous timing, to be able to announce this on the day of Game One of the 2013 World Series” said NASA astronomer Hortimer Dazzlekamp,  “The images are stunningly beautiful and incredibly clear in their predictions.”

The messages were provided by the Hubble Space Telescope, which has been in near-continuous operation since 1990 and has provided some of the most stunning images of outer space that humanity has ever seen. “You know, we were so focused on how pretty everything was, it didn’t even occur to us to look for messages in the heavens until we heard Tinie Tempah’s 2011 hit featuring Eric Turner. And it turns out, if you know where to look, the universe is always talking back to us.

Dazzlekamp then unveiled the images, which have been reprinted below:

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The Jim Leyland Portable Oxygen Tank.

Sometimes one finds himself drinking at a stranger’s apartment in Paris, France, and then talking to a different stranger who happened to play football at Summit (New Jersey) High School with former Royals outfielder Willie Wilson in 1973 or whatever and then watching grainy footage, while drinking even more, of giant and fast Willie Wilson scoring all different kinds of touchdowns against other, smaller high-school-aged New Jerseyans in 1973.

It’s just something that happens, is what the author is attempting to say and what the reader needs to believe.

While the famous prognosticator Nostradamus is traditionally read as predicting such events as 9/11 and the death of Princess Diana, advanced textual analysis suggests that he had a higher purpose: that of forecasting the 2013 World Series. Join history’s greatest seer below as he reveals a game-by-game summary of the upcoming Fall Classic. SPOILER ALERTS! Ha ha!

Game One

Volcanic fire from the center of the earth
will cause trembling around the new city:
Two great rocks will make war for a long time.
Then Arethusa will redden a new river.

“Volcanic fire” is a clear reference to Shane Victorino, who hails from Hawai’i, “Land of Volcanoes,” and is known for his passion on the field. Victorino’s first-inning home run will strike fear into the hearts of Cardinals fans, who live in the “new city” of St. Louis (founded in 1764, it is “new” compared to Boston). But a pitcher’s duel will then take over, with the “two rocks” of Wainwright and Lester battling into the late innings. “Arethusa” rearranged spells “St. Uehara,” referring to the near-divine presence of the Red Sox closer. Koji will strike out the side in the ninth, “reddening the river” with Cardinal-red blood, to seal the 1-0 win for Boston.

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Clicking around the Internet looking for something to post about can sometimes yield excellent results. Like this Facebook page:

Now, I’m just as opposed to sex trafficking as anyone else, but what the heck does this have to do with baseball? No worries, CBS News has the scoop.

“Well, both of our cities are obviously very passionate about our baseball teams so we set up a challenge with St. Paul’s Episcopal Cathedral in Boston,” Rev. Mike Kinman of Christ Church said.

Oh, okay, now it all makes sense.

“And then to make it a little more interesting, the losing team’s Cathedral Dean has to wear the winning team’s hat at the service on Sunday morning after the series is over,” Kinman said.

Yes, we’re going to stop sex trafficking, but JUST TO MAKE IT MORE INTERESTING, someone has to wear the other team’s cap. Okay. I’ve posted the actual links in this post, because certainly stopping sex trafficking seems like a worthy cause, and I guess I’m happy to help spread the word. But I’m still very confused why this has anything to do with the World Series, and please contribute to my Bases Loaded Walk Away From The Unlicensed Practice of Dentistry World Series Challenge, where you can donate money to professional license inspectors in Boston and St. Louis and help close illegal dental clinics. Thanks.

People are doing whatever they can to preserve the Astrodome. But a simple exhibition hall is too menial a destiny for such an iconic building. We can do better. And with your generous donations, we WILL do better. Crack open those wallets, nerds. Let’s make this happen.

The following Pokédex entry is entirely and in-no-way altered from the original:

Drew Smyly was a revelation coming out of the bullpen for the Tigers in 2013, posting a 2.31 FIP and 2.65 SIERA in 76 IP. With that number of innings, it’s obvious that he wasn’t just a LOOGY either, adopting a sort of all-or-nothing approach against righty hitters that yielded a higher K% than he achieved against lefty hitters — and generally resulted in more nothing and less all (.304 wOBA vs. righties).

An especially dominant first half by Smyly led to many to begin wondering whether the Tigers would have him stretch out as starter, especially given the middling performance of the team’s fifth starter, Rick Porcello. After all, Smyly had posted solid numbers in 94.1 IP as a starter in 2012, while Porcello — at least on the surface — was pitching poorly in the first half of 2013 (though Porcello’s 4.80 first-half ERA belied his 3.03 xFIP during the same period).

In early July, however, Tigers’ manager Jim Leyland put to rest any speculation on the matter of Smyly-as-stretched-out-second-half-starter:

no plans to change Smyly's role – "I'm not stretching him out. He can stretch out during the winter – on his bed" #Tigers Leyland

— Tom Gage (@Tom_Gage) July 9, 2013

Now that the proverbial but palpably painful winter has begun for the Tigers, we might begin to wonder again whether Drew Smyly will begin to stretch out 2014. Additionally, we may wonder whether he will do so on his bed as Leyland recommended, and if so, what might that look like. In fact, it brings to mind quite a number of questions about stretching, beds, bed stretches, Drew Smyly, winter, this winter specifically, death, etc. Here are some of those questions:

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