Last night, I watched one of the worst baseball films I have ever seen.
If you have not yet seen Trouble with the Curve, I hope you will spare yourself the full-on shitsperience of it, instead consuming the following abridged version, complete with screencaps!
TROUBLE WITH THE CURVE
Clint Eastwood plays an old baseball scout in the Braves organization who yells at his pee.
Blu-Ray: The only way to watch a man with an enlarged prostate urinate.
I need something baseball today. I’m jonesing, as addicts may say. I need to feel that sweet horse(hide) in my veins. I’ve called all my regular dealers. I’ve called my friends who have regular dealers. I’ve wandered the less-than-favorable parts of town (i.e., my neighborhood) in hopes of running into someone – anyone – who can feed my hunger.
At my wit’s end, I turned to the “random page” feature of Baseball-Reference.com. I got the results for a person named Tom Parsons, who played all of three seasons for the Pirates and Mets. Tom Parsons, by all accounts, was a bad pitcher. He had an ERA+ of 75. He had 2.8 K/BB ratio. In his final year, he gave up 17 home runs in 90 IP.
I deserve this. When I go looking for solace in the arms of a random stat page, I deserve to be let down. There is no love there. There is only coldness and filth. Making Internet baseball love to a total rando is not how to fill one’s void.
I turn to my old standbys. YouTube clips of Bo Jackson. Tom Seaver’s FG page. Nothing works. I am flaccid. I need a new flame. I need that feeling in my gut you get when you meet a Giancarlo Stanton home run for the first time. I need to be groped and fondled and invitingly abused by a new season.
Baseball isn’t here and life is awful. I’m going to go see if I can pirate the Caribbean Series. If that doesn’t work, I’ll have to track down my friend the Talking Junkie.
MLB.TV features high-resolution graphics for your viewing pleasure.
As MLB.com’s Mark Newman noted not very many days ago, MLB.TV is now available in exchange for American, and maybe other kinds of, currency.
The rates this year are $109.99 for the old and dusty basic service and $129.99 for the refulgent and inspirational Premium service — the latter figure having increased five dollars, it seems, from the 2012 charge.
Besides that — and perhaps a more robust list of compatible connected devices — things seem roughly unchanged.
Of note, probably: MLB advertises 150 spring-training games, beginning on or near February 21st. I asked Newman via email if a schedule of existed of which spring-training specfically might be available to MLB.TV subscribers. To which question he responded (promptly!) that MLB hoped to have the schedule posted sometime next week.
This author recently made The Pliny Pilgrimmage, which is to say he woke up early, drove two hours north, and waited in line for an hour for a beer (Pliny the Younger) on a Tuesday morning. Given this *same* author’s desire to come up with a WAR-like structure for beer ratings — which recently took a lurch forward with a URL (BeerGraphs.com), a CTO (seriously), and access to the API from untappd, and all their beer ratings — it was only natural to think of baseball while on that drive to Santa Rosa.
Does anyone dispute that this is a team that needs to exist? Preferably in the NL Central?
…Mets sign Ben McDonald to minor league contract…Jimmie Foxx arrested for DUI…Dodgers GM Ned Colletti says, “Steve Yeager will probably end up playing somewhere else this year”…Jack Morris returning for comeback attempt as backup second basemen and right-handed hitter off the bench…Infielder Jose Oquendo avoids arbitration…Padres claim C Terry Kennedy off waivers and invite him to spring training…Diamondbacks prospect D’Angelo Jimenez says his right testicle is “100 percent” after a winter of rehab…Nancy Pelosi told by a “team source” that Mike Boddicker will be available for the second week of spring training games…Agent Scott Boras has denied planting a rumor that Michael Bourn is the son of God and should therefore be signed by someone immediately…Albert Belle ready to report for spring training despite continued hip pain…Nick Esasky told WZBG radio that he was “not encouraged” by failure to learn a knuckleball in the offseason…R.A. Dickey contemplates building mountain behind Rogers Stadium, climbing it…Tigers general manager Randy Smith says the position of first base coach will be “mix and match” for the start of the season…Blue Jays manager Preston Gomez announced that Rollie Fingers will open the season as the team’s center fielder…Jeffrey Loria is named in records from the Miami-based Biogenesis clinic, which reportedly distributed the chicken pox virus to players and their children…The Astros are considering forfeiting the 2013 season…Cecil Fielder released a statement denying any involvement in the Watergate scandal…Mike Maddux is available and drawing interest from 16 teams…Rays designated three bags of sunflower seeds for assignment…Brewers prospect Cecil Cooper gives birth to a baby daughter…Russ Canzler placed on waivers, claimed, placed back on waivers, claimed again, placed back on waivers, once again claimed, and then placed on waivers…
Does a GIF ever warrant a border 150 pixels in width?
I think you know the answer.
Oh! It’s such a hat tip that I give to Brian Reinhart.
It’s not immediately clear to the author what set of circumstances might have led to the six intentional walks recorded by Karim Garcia during his 10-year major-league career. Whatever circumstances they were, however, they’ve been resolved since 2004 at the very latest — i.e. the last time Garcia appeared in a major-league game.
Yet, what this grainy daguerreotype reveals is, in fact, Karim Garcia receiving a base on balls in the most intentional of fashions — specifically, from Zack Segovia of Puerto Rican club Caguas in what, this very second, has become a bit of a runaway victory for Mexico’s Yaquis de Obregón (box).
It’s imperative — for any American hoping to telegraph his sophistication — it’s imperative to have at least a cursory knowledge of what is known universally as the Sport of Kings Who Aren’t That Interested in Thoroughbred Racing.
In so acquainting ourselves with the sport, we find this spectacular defensive effort courtesy 24-year-old cricketer Kieron Pollard from Tuesday’s international match between Pollard’s West Indian team and Australia.
