In these vacuum-tube-powered pages I have previously rhapsodized on the artfulness and smoldering spiritual utility of Jack Chick tracts. Without them, young Evangelicals would be far less afflicted, and who needs that?

So it is with a minister’s righteous sense of mission that while at Comerica Park, Detroit, U.S.A., America, I happened upon this …

I read it immediately and discovered that the main character, John, had some misgivings about organized religion. For that, he died and is, as we speak, being cooked in hell. His wife and children, however, paid obeisance to the relevant jurisdictional authorities and were similarly rewarded with death.

Know this, rat-sinner, if you go to a ballgame, a wind-blown Jack Chick tract will find you.

The Hillsboro team in Oregon needed a team name. They were in Oregon, a “proud agricultural” state that produced the second-most hops in America — it was obvious. The Hillsboro Hops will begin play in 2013 with a fancy new logo and an open question at the mascot position. Cheers to them!

Maybe this will open the door for:

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We all know, thanks to his NotGraphs bio, that Carson Cistulli “says terrible things at The New Enthusiast.” In fact, thanks to a revelatory anecdote recently posted by Mr. Dayn Perry, we know that Carson Cistulli says ridiculous and terrible things just about any time he pleases.

What you might not know is that, via The New Enthusiast, Carson Cistulli is also infecting your computer with terrible things. AND/OR Carson Cistulli is a big old con-man, a builder of pyramid schemes, a purveyor of identity theft, a cuckolder of man-avatars and lady-avatars alike. Behold:

It could give your Internets Inter-AIDS and steal your baby’s breath.

I think I speak for several Internets when I say, Boo, Mr. Cistulli. Verily: Boo.

Hat-tippery to my colleague Karl Saffran, who would rather I not acknowledge him — which is precisely why I am doing so.

This will not be the first time that I’ve bemoaned the slow death of eBay, which has essentially devolved into a different, more poorly organized version of Amazon.com. As the proliferation of “online stores” with one-price sales has continued, the online auction site no longer gives us a conception of the free market at work. For example, a search for “Chone Figgins Mariners Jersey” reveals no item costing less than forty dollars, which may be forty times the actual price point according to supply and demand.

Even so, a good economic market has occasional irregularities and inefficiencies that speak the interest of the purchaser, and give him or her the hope that offsets the effort of shopping. Essentially, we want to capitalize on someone else’s inability to detect the value of their own merchandise. We want free stuff. Thus today I present a collection of baseball paraphernalia that has, in recent times, been free on the internet, selling for six cents or less, including free shipping (and handling). Even the envelope used to mail these items are more expensive than the purchases themselves. All of these could have been yours – and perhaps, with luck, they still might be someday.

MEMORABILIA CATEGORY

Photocopy of Joe DiMaggio’s Death Certificate ($0.01): I have to admit, this is both strangely compelling and morose. There’s an undeniable urge to treat anything baseball or baseball player-related as collectible, not so much out of callousness or greed but in our interest in compiling the history of the game we love. But what do you do with a death certificate? You can’t frame it. You can’t really celebrate it. And yet, for a penny, I could see myself buying it. Should I feel bad about this?

For those with moral qualms, there’s also an equally useless but less squicky copy of Roberto Clemente’s original contract with the Pirates.

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Dear Mr. NotGraphs:

Winner.

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I’d been to a game in “o.co” or whatever that monstrosity is called. I’d gotten a sunburn on a free ticket given to me because I spent money (yeah, real money) on a Warped Tour ticket, and I remembered the vast expanses of concrete, the Shea-like feel of a 1970’s-era bunker. I remembered too much sun, bad beer and baseball that felt a mile away from my seat even while my neighbor felt like he was in my lap. I remembered understanding why someone might want a new stadium if this was their stadium.

But fellow FanGraphs writer Wendy Thurm got tickets and couldn’t make every game, so I ponied up and took my Giants-fan father, who said, sure, but only if it doesn’t rain. They’re a fun story, he said. They’ll be excited, they haven’t been there in a while.

Excited. That was a word for it.

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Those of us who don’t have cable TV — or even MLB.tv — often resort to MLB GameDay for pitch-by-pitch updates. (The way we sit with baited breath waiting for that next red or green or blue dot to appear is pathetic, really.)

GameDay uses a stock avatar for all batters — the avatar varies only based on the batter’s handedness. This can lead to confusion as to who is batting, especially if GameDay updates some info more quickly that it updates other bits, which it often does.

Enbiggenable.

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This post is for those of you who happened to be trapped under unwieldy objects for the past week and a half and missed the playoffs up to this point. Don’t worry! I can catch you right up to speed, with this informative summary of recent events — in the players’ and coaches’ own words! As for those of you who saw it all unfold — relive the drama!

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Konnichiwa,

Now that the Kansas City Royals have been eliminated from postseason contention, I find myself longing to root for a likable team that actually has a chance. Rather than divide my MLB loyalties, I would like to select a team from the NPB to support. Any ideas?

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