“I have all the talents!” Arthur Rimbaud announces — in French, unfortunately — during his long poem A Season in Hell, published in 1873. “I have all the talents!” Brewers third baseman Aramis Ramirez is clearly thinking, about 140 years later, after hitting an impressively long home run off Mets starter Chris Young.

The following tweet is entirely and in-no-way altered from the original (click to embiggen):

The entire contents of the author’s refrigerator.

When my father wanted to drink irresponsibly as a young man in New England, he did so with Narragansett Beer. Unfortunately, living in Wisconsin, I’ve been forced — until now, at least — I’ve been forced to break from family tradition and drink other brands of beer irresponsibly.

Recently, however, Narragansett announced their intentions to fulfill the brewery’s manifest destiny — i.e. to overspread and to possess the whole of the continent which Providence has given them, etc., etc.

And, fortunate for those who (a) operate baseball-related blogs and (b) are unafraid to employ the flimsiest of pretenses, it appears as though Narragansett has released — and the author has purchased today a six pack of — something called Grand Slam Baseball Cans, the distinguishing characteristic of which is that it (i.e. the aforementioned can) features a design with a baseball and playing field and also some cheerful comments on the nature of the game itself.

Look, Lew Ford knows. He’s read all the articles about Pythagorean wins, and the articles making fun of the articles about Pythagorean wins. He knows that his team spits in the face of every predictive metric out there, and that if there were any such thing as karma, a giant worm would broken out of the earth and devoured the entire bullpen. He knows that Notgraphs has already published seven articles about the Orioles in the last two weeks alone, that there’s a backlash against the backlash against the backlash. He knows all too well the fickle nature of American celebrity culture, its simultaneous thirst for underdog and sacrifice.

Lew Ford knows himself, as well. He recognizes that we live in a universe of chance. He’s spent plenty of time contemplating the unlikeliness of his own existence: as a professional athlete, as a prospective children’s author, as a sperm. He understands our desire to feel secure, to feel as if the world around us behaves according to rules, and that he himself violates those rules. He knows that his own success can only diminish our conceptualization of success itself by adding to its randomness. Lew Ford understands that Lew Ford makes our existence, in some small way, less meaningful because of his own.

That said, Lew Ford knows that the worst thing you can do is to try to control the uncontrollable, to fight against the current and struggle in vain; far better to let it lead you where it may. That no matter how much life confounds you, all you can do is raise your eyebrows and smile back at it.

Lew Ford knows all this. And now, he’s going to ground out weakly to first, because he is Lew Ford.

I first met Ace, the Toronto Blue Jays’ beloved mascot, in April, at The Only, a pub on the Danforth in Toronto’s east end, after a Wednesday night game against Tampa Bay, a 12-2 Devil Rays victory. He was wasted when I found him, seated alone at the bar; I’ll never forget it. After I introduced myself as a Blue Jays supporter who’d had a few pints of fine Canadian beer and wanted to say hello, Ace didn’t even look at me. Staring straight ahead, he took another shot of Jameson, and said:

Jesus Christ. I figured nobody would recognize me out here, out fuckin’ east. Can’t a man have a goddamned drink in peace?

It was funny because he was wearing his mascot outfit. He was Ace. He was dressed as a giant blue bird. And, I soon figured out, he needed someone to talk to. We drank until the early morning. That night, a tortured Ace let go of all that was weighing heavily on his feathered shoulders. Off the record, of course. Until now.

I kept in touch with Ace over the course of the season, and today, finally, he’s ready to to share his story. Representing NotGraphs’ award-winning Investigative Reporting Investigation Team, below is my conversation with Ace, who is so much more than a mascot.

Navin: Thanks for doing this, Ace. You know I think you’re very brave.

Ace: Thanks for having me, Nav. You don’t mind if I smoke, do you?

Read the rest of this entry »

Perhaps it is the addition of the extra Wild Card. Perhaps it involves the improbable campaigns put together by teams long-ridiculed, such as Baltimore and Oakland. Perhaps the fact that no contenders for the last playoff spot in the NL actually seem to have any interest in winning it.

Whatever it is, baseball fever is spreading, fair readers.

We, as ardent fans of the game, may have a heightened sense of this, considering the people and electronic pages with which we engage are probably discussing such things on a regular basis. But have these excitement tendrils reached down and ensnared the huddled masses? Does Joe Sixpack understand that this is turning into one of the most engaging final two weeks in recent memory?

It appears so:

My cousin – who’s kinda in between jobs right now – saw this image whilst watching Thursday’s episode of The Price is Right. The producers of this game show, which features a subset of games contestants play to win fabulous prizes, have tried to capitalize on the buzz surrounding the end of this baseballing season. The game in question (and in image) is Cliff Hangers which entails, according to my cousin, “guessing the prices of stuff, and if you’re off by too much, the guy falls of the end or whatever.” As you can see, the producers have switched out the typical and boring flat mountain side for the climber statue to scale with the win probability graph from Wednesday’s exciting Rays/Orioles contest.

Since this game show is played by and for the lower crust of our society, I consider this evidence that all of America is vibrating with anticipation over how the rest of this baseball season will play out.

Maybe now, even if for only a few short weeks, you and your dad will have something to talk about.

Here’s a completely authentic and totally unadulterated message from noted linguist and spokesman of the American Left Noam Chomsky’s Twitter account to avant-garde sportsman Max Scherzer from this morning, apropos a central idea from the former’s work on generative grammar (click to embiggen):

Cheers, to the future of a franchise…

The first time I saw an upside-down map, I experienced a brief burst of denial, followed by the creeping itch of cognitive dissonance, gently giving way to a sort of mild, liberated euphoria. Damn right! I thought, smacking the nearest tabletop. Why SHOULD north have to be up?? And I’m pleased to report that I experienced a very similar series of sensations, earlier today, when I looked at the Major League Baseball standings and thought to myself: Why SHOULD wins have to be good?? 

The more I looked around this site and other similar sites, my vision newly unobscured by preconception, the more evidence I found for the insidious effects of win-ism. Win Shares! Win Expectancy! Wins Above Replacement! Win Probability Added! How much ink has been spilled on the Orioles, and their unexpected ability to win — and how little on the Astros, and their spectacular capacity to lose? How much on Stephen Strasburg’s benching, and its implications for a winning team’s continuing to win — and how little on Ricky Romero’s, and its implications for a losing team’s continuing to lose? In our blind haste to glorify the win, we’ve come to treat the loss — no less vital, no less pervasive, a part of baseball — with neglect, at best, and more often than not with open contempt. I’m here right now to rectify that. Regard, for the first time, to the best of my knowledge, Smith’s Universal Corrective Baseball Standings (through 9/10; projections from coolstandings.com):

Notes:

– The Astros are the story of the year. Houston set the bar high in 2011, finishing with baseball’s best record by a full seven games, but they’ve outdone themselves this year. Keep in mind that only one team in the past half-century (the ’03 Tigers) has posted a losing percentage better than .700. Currently projected at 110 losses, the ‘Stros have a shot at joining that short list if they keep up their scorching pace (they lit up the league to the tune of 46-8 in July and August). What are they doing so well? The better question is, what aren’t they doing well? They rank third in the majors in pitching Losses Above Replacement (LAR) at -5.6, but hitting is where they’ve seen the most improvement since last year: ranked second in batting LAR at -10.3, they’ve scored fewer runs than any team in baseball. Houston has continued to find playing time for pleasant surprises like Jordan Schafer (0.3 LAR) and Rhiner Cruz (0.6 LAR), demonstrating the organization’s commitment to losing, and losing now. The club is scuffling a bit of late, having dropped only five of their last nine. An area of concern is the performance of newly hired journeyman Edgar Gonzalez, who’s failed badly so far to meet his replacement-level expectations. In his two starts in September he’s posted an ERA of 1.74, standing out as a major weak spot in an otherwise outstanding rotation. The Astros will be counting on some regression out of Gonzalez as they chase history down the stretch.

– There’s plenty of drama in both leagues. However, the scenarios are very different in the AL and NL. On the junior circuit, there are essentially six teams battling for the five playoff spots; most of the suspense comes from those six teams jockeying for position, with two division races (East and Central) still up for grabs. In the NL, the Rockies and Astros have already wrapped up their divisions, while the Cubs have a lock on the first wild card. But the Marlins and Mets look to go down the wire for the East crown, and there are at least five teams in contention (within 5 games) for the last playoff spot.

– A lot has changed in the past month. Around this time in August, the Brewers and Phillies were in the thick of the NL wild-card race, the Jays sat comfortably atop the AL East, and the Pirates were nowhere near the conversation. Well, those first two teams have all but bumbled their way out of contention, going 10-19 and 9-19 respectively, and free-falling all the way to near .500. Philly’s starters have been awful of late, with the league’s worst FIP (3.19) over the last 30 days; after losing so effectively in the first half of the season, Cliff Lee has all but fallen off the map, posting a hideous K/BB of nearly 19 over the recent period. For Milwaukee, the culprit has been weak hitting, with a lineup ranking 26th out of 30 teams in LAR; Ryan Braun, currently in a .336/.402/.664 slump, needs to break out of it soon if the Crew is going to climb back into the race.

In the AL East, while Toronto has been playing decent baseball, the Red Sox have turned on the afterburners and seized the division on the strength of a 19-7 stretch. Boston’s rotation has been lights-out, with a league-best 6.50 ERA over the past month. Though the Sox will miss Josh Beckett, the return of Dice-K (8.25 ERA since Aug. 10) and the continued excellence of Felix Doubront (10.50) bode well for the stretch run.

Perhaps the biggest surprise of the month has been the Pirates’ surge. Though their stats have been less than remarkable, they seem to keep coming up with a certain magic: they’ve lost 9 of 11 one-run games since August 1. After his disappointing debut, phenom Starling Marte has gone on a 6-41 tear, slugging .194 over the past month. James McDonald has been living up to his ace potential with a 5.30 FIP, while closer Joel Hanrahan’s control issues (8 walks in his last 9 innings) bode well for Pittsburgh’s final chapter.

But the hottest team in baseball has to be Cleveland, which is finally operating on all cylinders after scuffling so badly in early 2012. The Tribe are in the midst of a 21-6 streak, with their starting rotation posting a 6.14 ERA over that stretch while their hitters — led by breakout star Ezequiel Carrera (.194/.250/.269, -4.4 fielding runs saved) — have piled up a +1.4 LAR.

– The next few weeks will feature some crucial series. By losing three of four in Minnesota over the weekend, the charging Indians finally grabbed a share of the AL Central division lead. All eyes will be on Cleveland on September 18-20 for the last three contests between these teams. Meanwhile, the battle for the AL East will be coming to a head this weekend as the Red Sox visit Toronto for a make-or-break three-game series. After getting swept twice in a row at Fenway — in July, and just this past weekend — the Jays have to treat this as a can’t-win situation.

Don’t overlook the Pirates’ visit to Milwaukee next week, for the last set in the season series between two teams that are both on the playoff fringe but headed in opposite directions. And finally, the powerhouse Astros will be wrapping up their 2012 with a visit to Wrigley Field in early October. Although it’s unlikely to affect the playoff positioning of either team, this will be Houston’s stiffest test as it tries to put the cap on a potentially historic season. If nothing else, this series promises to showcase some scintillating baseball from two of the league’s best teams.