Archive for September, 2012

Pittsburgh, It’s Pouring

A couple of weeks ago, based on the findings of a rigorous study, I offered advice to those baseball fans whose teams were effectively (though not mathematically) out of contention for a playoff spot this year. The advice was: regarding the AL, root for the A’s or the Orioles; regarding the NL, adopt the Pittsburgh Pirates.

As both Navin and Mississippi Matt have pointed out in the last week, there’s magic and mystery surrounding the Orioles as they continue to win despite what their run differential might suggest. They’re sitting in a tie for first place in the AL East, having bested the Yankees in a Labor Day weekend series.

The Oakland A’s have also been playing out of their minds, posting a 39-17 record since July 1. They’re still in the AL West divisional race, and, if the regular season ended today, would receive the second wild card spot.


Pittsburgh is friggin’ beautiful, even when it rains. Image: Justin K. Aller

Meanwhile, the Pirates have gone 12-20 since the beginning of August, all but wasting their 59-44 record before that.

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September 5th, 2012

Tommy woke up in the dawn of just another day. It was one of those middle-of-the-day weeks that pretends to be another – a Wednesday masquerading as a Tuesday, a Thursday acting like a Wednesday. After some moments of contemplation, Tommy came to the conclusion that it was indeed a Wednesday, though the holiday weekend caused him to think twice. He woke his computer from its nightly slumber, and went to work on his regular digital routine. Browser tabs were dedicated to the usual – news site, bank account, email, social networks. The final tab was dedicated to baseball. Tommy’s interest in the children’s game had waned years ago. Even when a new team moved to his native Washington, D.C., he couldn’t muster enough interest to catch up on the years lost to him. But he always checked the standings and box scores, just like his father taught him to do with the daily paper. It was more out of habit than concern, a 30-second pause in his morning and nothing else.

That can’t be right. The Orioles are in first place? How is that possible? The team from Baltimore, whose games his father toiled over nightly during Tommy’s childhood hadn’t been relevant in over a decade. When was the last time they contended? The late 90s? Surely, MLB.com was in error. Tommy deleted the URL from the address bar and went to USA Today. They said the same. So did Sports Illustrated, FOX Sports, and ESPN. Something wasn’t right. He thought he’d been paying at least a modicum of attention to the goings on in the baseball world. Was it possible he just overlooked a historically bad team of late rising to contention so far along in the season? He connected to a different wireless network, one that his neighbor didn’t have locked down. The results didn’t change. His smartphone echoed everything he’d seen so far. For some reason, the Internet was convinced that the Orioles were tied for the lead in the AL East. Something most certainly wasn’t right. He packed his laptop in his backpack and headed to work. Further investigation was needed.

What began as a nagging inconvenience turned to an obsession around 2 p.m. Tommy found himself refreshing the standings page on his work computer every minute. The information never changed, and Tommy was beginning to get worried. He’d seen enough movies and read enough books about technological warfare to remember that there were always small glitches in the network before the shit really hit the fan. These infections and viruses and whatever always made tiny changes here and there as they spread to other servers and workstations. The genius hero of the book would always recognize these errors early, but his warnings would always fall on deaf ears. And as soon as anyone could blink … BAM! Global Internet chaos was upon the entire civilized world. He checked the standings page once again. The knot in Tommy’s stomach tightened.

He never remembered having a panic attack before, but Tommy was convinced he was in the throes of one when 4 p.m. rolled around. Visions of crashing jetliners and standstill traffic flashed through his mind. He pictured the news coverage of people cashing out their bank accounts and knocking over gas stations. The entire world would flip into survival mode. If he didn’t act now, he would be left behind – the last dog to the bowl.

As he sped away from his office, Tommy couldn’t even remember if he gave his boss an excuse for leaving early. He doubted his boss would notice, and didn’t care if she did.

The parking lot at the Walmart had more cars in the late afternoon than Tommy had expected. He was worried that others had caught on too.  Time was of the essence.  He quickly exited his Volvo wagon and briskly walked to the front doors.

The crowd in the store seemed calmed. Perhaps they were playing it cool, perhaps they were unaware of the impending global disaster. He checked the standings on his phone again. No change. He wheeled his cart through every aisle, looking for anything that could help him survive until this coming storm passed, if it ever would. Non-perishable food, camping gear, gas cans, medical supplies, crop seeds, batteries, matches, and a gas-powered generator filled his cart. Were it not for the mandatory waiting period, Tommy would have purchased a gun.

The cashier asked no questions at the checkout line, which relieved Tommy since he hadn’t been able to come up with a believable story. He checked his phone again. He wanted to warn the cashier. She probably had family, and maybe even kids. As terrible as it made him feel, he couldn’t raise warning to her. He needed the roads to be as clear as possible as he made his way out of town. He’d fill his gas cans and his Volvo, then travel to the most rural place he could find. He’d look for an abandoned farm, or a densely-wooded area. The further he got from any semblance of population the better.

As he loaded his car in the parking lot, Tommy had a thought. He closed the hatch and headed back to the Walmart. He made his way to the men’s apparel section, and found the sports portion. Amongst the plethora of Nationals memorabilia, he found a small end cap devoted the Orioles. Baltimore being about an hour away, the O’s were still considered somewhat of a local team. He picked up a black hat with an orange cartoon bird on the front. It flashed him a knowing smile. He would keep this hat for the duration of his plight. Perhaps it would provide him protection. The Orioles had been looking out for him so far.


My Grandma and The Mets

My grandma passed away last week at age 96, having lived a long and, at least to me, quite remarkable life. Until she had a stroke at age 92, she lived independently, and went out almost every day, to the senior center, the library, the botanic gardens, museums, restaurants, the movies, everywhere. She took classes, wrote poetry, and probably over the course of her life watched at least a thousand Mets games on TV, and maybe quite a few more than that.

In the year or two before her stroke, she and a couple of her friends found themselves in the habit of going to the movies pretty much every weekend. At one point, I had the idea to blog her movie reviews, which, looking back on them now, make me happy I wrote down so many of her words and sad that she’s gone.

I came across one passage about the Mets, from 2008, about a month after Willie Randolph was replaced by Jerry Manuel. I found her take on the Mets at the time to be pretty amusing:

I’ve been watching the Mets game. They’ve been doing so well lately. Maybe they were threatened they would lose their jobs. All of a sudden they all got so good. I know they have the new manager, but he stands in the dugout, he never smiles, he seems like he is not enjoying himself, so I don’t know if he is the one motivating them, but something must be going on because all week they have been winning every game.

I was hoping I’d unearth more baseball-related content from the archives of my posts about her, but, alas, the only way I can post more about my grandma is to venture seriously off-topic.

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What Has Johnny Bench Done?

He’s done something, that’s for sure. Peter Graves has seen a thing or two regarding a thing or two, so he’s not exactly surprised by what Johnny Bench has done. “I’m not exactly surprised by what you’ve done, Johnny Bench,” Peter Graves might be saying.

But what of young Lesley Ann Warren? Whatever Johnny Bench has done, it has complicated her feelings for him. “Heart-rending effrontery, thy name is Jack Bench,” she seems to be saying. “Henceforth, my boudoir door shall remain bolted.”

So I ask you, NotGraphs readers, what is it that Johnny Bench has done?

(A hat and the tipping of it: Jeff Polman)


Input Requested: The Author’s Sick Day

Of the four humours, phlegm is decidedly the least distressing to see on the outside part of one’s body. However, for the individual producing sufficient quantities of it — like, because of a common cold, I mean — filling one’s role as a capable member of society (or at a charming Internet Destination called NotGraphs) can be made more difficult. The author has found himself in just such a quandary, it appears.

So, question: how ought the author to conduct his affairs today?

One good thing is how Didi Gregorius is making his major-league debut at shortstop for the Reds in less than an hour. Another good thing is how Wily Peralta is making his first major-league start in Miami at 7:05pm ET.

So far as constraints are concerned, any proposals should account for the fact that the author will be largely confined to his couch. Also note, please, that all suggestions of an autoerotic nature will receive a stern and Mutomboesque wag of the finger from the author and the author’s handlers.


GIF: Jeurys Familia’s First Major-League Strikeout

Right-hander Jeurys Familia, 22, was ranked third overall among Mets prospects by Marc Hulet before the season. Tonight — which is to say, like, five minutes ago — he made his major-league debut, striking out Lance Berkman with a 97 mph fastball on a 3-2 count in the eighth inning of the Mets’ game against the Cardinals.

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Leaderboards of Laziness

Mayhap you are back to work on this Tuesday, which is supposed to be the most productive day of the work week, according to Business Journal. But not for you; you are avoiding doing actual work at work by covertly reading NotGraphs and/or Jon Bois’s lunch ratings at Progressive Boink.

Very well. In honor of not doing work at work, which might function as a pedestrian, contemporary definition of “laziness,” and following up on yesterday’s Leaderboards of Labor, I’d like to present Leaderboards of Laziness. Without further ado…

The Laziest Pitchers Based on Innings Pitched per Game
Minimum 50 Innings Pitched…

Name Team Age G IP TBF Pitches IP/G
Chad Durbin Braves 34 66 53.2 223 854 0.81
Sean Burnett Nationals 29 61 50.2 210 833 0.82
Sean Marshall Reds 29 60 50.2 218 859 0.84
Matt Reynolds Rockies 27 62 53.2 230 916 0.86
Joel Peralta Rays 36 64 55 214 872 0.86
Brad Ziegler Diamondbacks 32 65 56 220 788 0.86
Heath Bell Marlins 34 61 53 246 1013 0.87
Rex Brothers Rockies 24 61 53.2 236 935 0.87
Santiago Casilla Giants 31 57 50.1 219 820 0.88
Brett Myers – – – 31 57 50.2 216 779 0.88
Matt Thornton White Sox 35 61 54.2 227 859 0.89
Fernando Salas Cardinals 27 56 50.1 215 876 0.89
Aaron Crow Royals 25 60 54.1 215 819 0.90
Bobby Parnell Mets 27 61 55.1 240 947 0.90

 
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Mustache Watch: Eric Berger

Indians prospect Eric Berger has a mustache.

Let us crush the uprising.

Let us check our chained pocket watch before signing the railroad deed.

Let us agree not to speak of the colonel’s history of ravishment.

Let our wives die in childbirth.

Let our sons die of the catarrh.

Let us poach buffalo from the dining car.

Let us build, in the town square, a monument to the general on horseback as he watches the slaughter through his opera glasses and from the safety of a garrisoned hillside.

Let us ponder the imponderable while the minister intones.

Let us perpetrate a mining disaster so as to smother the union.

Let us agree that the issue will be decided by the men in this room.

Let us decide that the mining disaster will be our casus belli.

Let us toast the decision.

Let us make sure that all the pine boxes of dead Christians will fit in the vessel’s hold.

Let us backhand the maid-servant as punishment for her lowliness.

Let us over-murder the mewling settlers.

Let us pass the vicar a clod of dollars in a handshake.

Let us threaten the constable with a glance.

Let us see that those coxcombs and jackanapes, so promiscuous with their complaints, are seen to.

Let us pound the the scroll-top desk upon reading the telegram.

Let us sign the order of execution with a plumed quill.

Let us sip absinthe alone in the dark.

For Indians prospect Eric Berger has a mustache.


Future Stars of the Past: Series One

We all know that excitement is a finite, limited resource, easily depleted by September call-ups, teams with poor Pythagorean records, and the tinny, joyous music of the ice cream truck just beyond view. As a cautionary service against emptying one’s self of optimism and retreating into a cynical shell of a man/woman, we travel back to the Magical World of Yesterday, specifically October 1990, to look at the game’s hottest stars, as depicted in ink on shrinkable plastic.

(Said depictions are, as one might imagine, easily embiggenable.)

#1: Ben McDonald

1990 Upper Deck Card: $3.50. (Error card: $32.00.)

Why We Were Excited: He was a pitcher, and he was really tall!

Why We Stopped Being Excited: Synecdoche is an unfortunate reality for pitchers, and America was never able to fall in love with Ben McDonald’s arm as we could his oversized heart.

Career Highlight: Getting on the cover of Sports Illustrated with a baseball in his mouth.

Life Since Baseball: Owns a plantation where you and he can shoot animals with large guns together, as well as listen to fiddle music.

Random Japanese Fact: Visiting bigbenmcdonald.com will transport you to the Japanese webpage of Pitfall of establishment Ltd., which (with the aid of Google Translate) is designed for the betterment of humankind. From their press release: “I make money and the like. Create products to contribute to society, I think many people are thinking of making money. For this purpose, as a means of personal business is easiest. And services such as massage, I think there are a lot of people who have a business idea is not widely spread.” Ben McDonald’s enormous watch is also on display.

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Bobby Valentine’s Favorite Meal

I almost feel bad for Bobby Valentine. Today’s piece in the Boston Herald (the latest in a string of articles itemizing everything terrible or could-be-interpreted-as-terrible-if-you-squint that Valentine has said or done) discusses a breakfast meeting Valentine had with owner John Henry yesterday, where, contrary to the hope of perhaps everyone, he did not get fired.

Asked if the meeting brought him any sense of nirvana, Valentine said, “I always feel good after breakfast. It’s one of my favorite meals.”

Yeah, this is probably going to end soon.

Asked what he and Henry talked about, Valentine said, “What do you think we talked about? Art? Liverpool? We talked about baseball, our team, what he’s concerned with, what I deal with.”

(Other favorite meals of Bobby Valentine: Lunch, Dinner, Snack After Loss, Brunchholz, and Fettucine Alfredo Aceves)