Input Requested: The Author’s Sick Day

Of the four humours, phlegm is decidedly the least distressing to see on the outside part of one’s body. However, for the individual producing sufficient quantities of it — like, because of a common cold, I mean — filling one’s role as a capable member of society (or at a charming Internet Destination called NotGraphs) can be made more difficult. The author has found himself in just such a quandary, it appears.

So, question: how ought the author to conduct his affairs today?

One good thing is how Didi Gregorius is making his major-league debut at shortstop for the Reds in less than an hour. Another good thing is how Wily Peralta is making his first major-league start in Miami at 7:05pm ET.

So far as constraints are concerned, any proposals should account for the fact that the author will be largely confined to his couch. Also note, please, that all suggestions of an autoerotic nature will receive a stern and Mutomboesque wag of the finger from the author and the author’s handlers.