Nothing screams summer like playing a nice game of simulated baseball with a the “Official Jackmster Baseball Knife”.
Who needs to carry around a complete Strat-o-matic game when the game can be stored in that cool little watch pocket on your jeans. It can played outside and inside (until mom finds out). Best of all, the winner can take home one of the loser’s favorite “Home Run” razor blades.
CINCINNATI — Doctors at the Centers for Disease Control announced Tuesday that left-handed Tigers starter Drew Smyly has “just a little” Ebola.
“After extensive testing by a team of leading experts in the field of infectious disease,” Dr. Prajit Kapoor said in a prepared statement, “we’ve determined that Mr. Smyly definitely has Ebola — or, at the very least, an Ebola-like virus — but that, strangely, it is confined to the tip of his left middle-finger [pictured right] and is unlikely to spread further.”
Smyly began to notice the Ebola while pitching against the Cincinnati Reds on Sunday, eventually leaving the game. “It started hurting and affecting my pitches,” Smyly said on Tuesday. “Honestly, I just thought it was a blister. I mean, I knew it looked bad, but you never think it’s a left-threatening disease responsible for thousands of horrifying deaths.”
When asked if the delay in reaching a conclusive diagnosis on Smyly’s condition was due to the rarity of it, Dr. Kapoor answered in the negative. “Actually, it was less that and more how gross it is. I, personally, vomited four times.”
In this video, Kenyan kids re-enact the end of Game 6 of the 1986 World Series. The kid in the long orange tank top is playing Buckner. This just couldn’t be any more heartwarming or baseball-affirming unless you’re Mr. Buckner himself, in which case it might as well be a pitcher of salt poured over an open wound. If you are not Bill Buckner, watch and prepare yourself for a minute and 48 seconds of pure happiness in youtube form:
Personally I recommend bookmarking this video in a special folder to be applied liberally when you’re having one of those “this is not my beautiful life” / “why is the internet so terrible and mean?” / “what if baseball is dying?” / “ahhhhhsfghskfghfghjfg” kind of days.
H/T to Amazin’ Avenue
I didn’t really buy this, as it was an all-fan giveaway at Miller Park on Sunday for the Brewers-Padres game. Actually, I didn’t even get to go to the game because I had to work ten hours. But one of my bosses, who did not have to work ten hours, got to go to the game with one of my employing organization’s board members, who didn’t want his bobblehead, so said boss gave me the bobblehead, which was very nice of him.
The reader — knowing something about the old rerum natura, as it were — understands immediately from this image that Southpaw, the official mascot of the Chicago White Sox, will use the horse also pictured here towards the end of satisfying his appetite.
What we can’t know — can only speculate upon — is if that appetite is gastronomic or sexual in nature.
I’m telling you, Simmons, those days!
Those days when we finally began turning away …
Your tresses plunged like the
Bellwether economic indicators of the day.
Like the necklines of those
Who tottered for your notice.
We shan’t survive these times, said wartime leaders!
We shan’t survive Ted Simmons
and his unmade-bed hair!
Sacco him before he Vanzetties us!
You, you catcher and framer, hitter and blocker!
Michigan man! Prince of quick wrists!
Needler of Herzogs! Merchant of dinnertime perils!
Tilter at windmills!
Tilter of pinball machines!
Holy bewitcher!
We were something, you and I! But mostly you …
We’d have made your hair the president if we could’ve.
But if elected it will not serve.
Which is the thing about things
Sourced from the womb of a Cumulonimbus.
That hair flows like beaded doorways granting wide berth to tall men!
It flows like riverine sperm heaven-bent on impregnating the 1950s!
As reliably as liquor drunkens,
So too do you!
O, feral wilding!
O, Simba!
Is there a more disappointing word than “setback” to see in a sentence about your favorite player, or an article about your favorite team? You think someone is on the road back, ready to rejoin the lineup… and then… “…setback…” and the clock starts all over again. Inspired by news of Brett Gardner’s second (third? fourth? fifth?) setback from his elbow injury (the same Brett Gardner I stashed on my fantasy team’s DL when someone dropped him, hoping he’d be back shortly and with effectiveness), I thought I’d head over to Google News and see if I could come up with a truly frustrating, disappointing post to help you make it through your Tuesday.
This Week… In Setbacks.
1. The aforementioned Brett Gardner, with his second setback, from his injury suffered April 18. Now not expected back before the All-Star Break.
2. White Sox third baseman Brent Morel, on a back injury rehab assignment, pulled himself out of Thursday’s AAA game.
3. Scott Linebrink, whom the Cardinals released after his second setback in his recovery from right shoulder inflammation. Sort of a heartless quote in the article: “…left the Cardinals feeling that their best move would be to cut ties with Linebrink, rather than moving him to the 60-day DL and continuing to aid him in the rehab process.” Yikes.
And… that’s all I could find, at least with my quick search of baseball injury setback. Which surprised me. I feel like there are ten setbacks a day!
UPDATE: LATE BREAKING SETBACK NEWS… Dustin McGowan and Sergio Santos… someone out there heard me writing this post and decided to, uh, inflame a couple more shoulders….
Concerned and likely muscular reader Bryan, recognizing that the celebration of Bob Uecker is a cause worth dying and (maybe even more importantly) killing for, has alerted the editors of NotGraphs to some Audio from the Past that will help the advancement of said cause.
The Greek philosopher Epicurus (341 BCE – 270 BCE) teaches us that “If you live according to nature, you will never be poor; if you living according to opinion, you will never be rich.”
In the clip below — from WTMJ Radio’s August 10th, 2011, broadcast of the Brewers and Cardinals at Busch Stadium — Bob Uecker says the same thing, just with different words (all of them to the great pleasure of then-radio partner Cory Provus).
Yeah, it’s been a tough year so far. I’ve had my pee mishandled, rumors started about me having STDs, reputation tarnished.
What’s that? Oh, uh, I’ll have the tagliatelle and a double Johnny Walker, neat.
Black Label if you have it.
I can’t even get a second look from that blond over there. It’s lunch time! I’m Ryan Braun! I hit a homerun yesterday. It was pretty cool. So it’s like come on, ladies, you know what I mean, bartender? Hey, can I get another double Jay-Dubs to go?
Read the rest of this entry »
Et voilà! Quelle offence! But if this team is going to contend, we’re going to need more starting pitching. Who am I forgetting?
2B Nap the Joy
