How about a contest?

If my fantasy track record is any indication, I can pick injured players better than most. I thought I might take a look into the future and try to predict 2012’s All-Injured Team. A few rules:

1. Must be currently signed.
2. Must not currently be expected to be out for the season (Tommy John Surgery)
3. Will be judged at the end of the year by days missed

There is no prize except pride. Maybe in-season rankings, if enough people throw a list in the comments, and I’m sufficiently lacking in inspiration once every couple of months and want to post something that just requires a calculator.

Okay, great, here we go. Presenting…

My 2012 All-Injured Team
Sponsored by the folks at America’s Worst Hospital.

C: Adam Moore. Okay, maybe it’s cheating to pick a player who’s basically been injured since 2010, no longer has either of his knees, and isn’t even expected to play a major role on the team. But MLB.com insists he passed his Arizona Fall League test with “flying cartilage.” Sorry, “flying colors.” So, hey, if someone expects him to be healthy, he counts. I expect to see some Joe Mauers in the comments.

Read the rest of this entry »

… for a fishing trip. 

Roy Halladay and Chris Carpenter help a local fisherman who was bitten on the ass by an anaconda. They are celebrated as heroes. (In case you were wondering: anacondas don’t have venom, so there is no butt sucking.)

That’s a picture of the guy who got bit on his butt. 

Chris Carpenter breaks his toe, but he’ll be okay. He’s a tough guy.

B.J. Ryan, meanwhile, drops a couple hundred bucks on a sweet fishing rod but it breaks on the second day of the trip and he spends the rest of the time sulking and cursing his own profligacy.

On the bright side, at least he doesn’t pee in the river.

Yes

— Peter Gammons (@pgammo) January 2, 2012

I’ve thought long and hard about just which question of mine Peter Gammons answered — with one single, solitary tweet — yesterday afternoon. Turns out, he answered them all:

Will the Toronto Blue Jays ever make the goddamn playoffs again?

Is Prince Fielder actually a real-life vegetarian?

Is the Euro ever going to collapse, or what?

Should you — should we all — pray for the Baltimore Orioles?

Is Roy Halladay a God amongst men?

Are these the best candidates the Republicans could find?

Seriously?

Is Hanley Ramirez sincere in saying he’ll actually move over to third base?

Is Bud Selig pretty please going to finally frigging retire?

Is “Swag” truly the name of Bryce Harper’s new dog?

Now that she ditched that Brand loser, I’ve got a shot with Katy Perry, right?

Will the Expos ever return?

Is everyone else as sick of the Hall of Fame debate as I am?

And, finally, is baseball closer to returning to our lives today than it was yesterday?

I’ll answer that last one myself: God, yes.

Thank you, Professor Gammons. Without you, we are nothing.

This is what the Spice Girls meant by 2 becoming 1.

Image courtesy Wikipedia user UCinternational.

Our ongoing quest, in the manner of a noble knight-errant, is to assign cool nicknames to players rather than indulge in the tired, lamewad paradigm of assigning cool players nicknames. Last time out? Joba Chamberlain was rebranded as “Gargoyle O’Boyle.” So Mr. Chamberlain has been added to our Hall of Honouur, which is so stately, so regal, so much itself a celebration of the Norman Conquest, that an extra British-English unstressed “u” is required for proper spelling …

“Bad Miracle” – Wily Mo Peña
“Captain Black Tobacco” – John Danks
“$45 Couch” – Yuniesky Betancourt
“Liván Hernández” – Liván Hernández
“Frog in the Pot” – Carlos Zambrano
“Aqua Velva Man” – Chase Utley
“Victorian Sex Rebel” – John Axford
“Good, Round Friend” – Prince Fielder
“I Am Not Afraid of You and I Will Beat Your Ass” – Kyle Farnsworth
“Interrobang” – Adrián Beltré
“Turbaconducken” – Ty Wigginton
“Hot Lettuce” – Jeff Mathis
“Gargoyle O’Boyle” – Joba Chamberlain

And the nickname now hanging in the balance? It’s “Science or Bravery?”!

Denotations, Connotations, Implications, Intimations, and Incriminations:

Via this thread over at BTF comes this tale of Germany Schaefer and his maximum nobility:

One day Schaefer saved the day with a one-handed catch of a line drive over first. Amidst the cheers Schaefer demanded, “Was that science or bravery?”

“Bravery, of course, Germany, bravery,” answered a leather lunged fan.

“Then salute your hero,” demanded Herman. Instantly, as one, the bleachers crowd arose, doffing their hats.

So, as you may have surmised, the player who shall be nicknamed “Science or Bravery?” is one whose unthinkable, impossible exploits prompt you to ask of yourself, your subjects or the heavens above: “Was that science or bravery?”

Prototypes from Baseball’s Gauzy Past:

Anyone generous with base-and-ball miracles certainly qualifies. Babe Ruth, Rickey Henderson, Bob Feller, Sandy Koufax, Bob Gibson, Mike Laga. It can be someone who is very good at baseball and thus, by dint of science or bravery, leaves the appreciator in a state of constant guffaw. It can be someone who is not great in the least but nonetheless offers up, on a shockingly regular basis, small moments of abracadabra. “Science,” you might say of him. “All of this is owing to science.”

“No,” someone else might say of him. “‘Tis bravery.”

Guiding, Determinative Query:

What current major-league player should be nicknamed “Science or Bravery?”?

The convention floor, which is filled with quite a lot of science but decidedly little bravery, is open for nominations …

‘Tis the season for resolutions, so let’s perceive of ourselves as better people for just a second. No worries about the sex of the title, these will work for fans of any gender. As you’ll see, these resolutions represent a two-pronged approach to this whole betterment thing. A little for the body, a little for the heart, and a little for the mind.

* I resolve to run more often … so that I can eat and drink as poorly as I want at the game.

* I resolve to put down my computer, phone and book so that I pay complete attention … to the game.

* I resolve to be more thrifty and spend less, perhaps by brewing more of my beer at home … so that I can afford to go to more games.

* I resolve to read more and fully research everything … that could make be a better fantasy player.

* I resolve to tell the people I love that I love them more often … so they don’t mind when I ask for the television for the game later.

* I resolve to learn something new … about baseball.

* I resolve to help others … dominate fantasy leagues I’m not in.

* I resolve to get organized … gotta get all those baseball cards in the right order.

* I resolve to spend as much time as possible with my son (due in early April) … and, of course, put the ball in his left hand as much as possible. Even LOOGYs get paid.

This Marquis May Well Be More Beneficial to the Twins in 2012.

For a brief stretch, it appeared that someone else might have the most ‘Twins’ offseason this year rather than, well the Twins.

Much like offseasons before, the Twins let its veterans walk via free agency, permitting them to sign deals that are considerably above Terry Ryan’s insanity threshold. Remember the Torii Hunter deal?

Read the rest of this entry »

It’s been a long December, but there’s reason to believe maybe this year will be better than the last, and that reason is Bryce Harper’s new puppy #Swag.

Got a chocolate lab puppy for Christmas!!!!! 🙂 named him SWAG!

— Bryce Harper (@BHarper3407) December 25, 2011

Hi Swag!:

Hi again Swag!!:

Let us now celebrate this momentous occasion with the adding of chocolate to milk.

A few weeks ago, the venerable Prof. Cyril Morong executed a rather interesting projection for Albert Pujols, comparing similar and even dissimilar players to Pujols to get a feel for how well he would perform at and beyond the age of 35.

In short, the Angels look like they need either majorly bumped revenue or a World Series ring collection in order for the projected Pujols to be worth his contract.

Sure, science may say that, but what about dated video games?

Well, let’s turn to Baseball Mogul 2008, the addicting baseball simulation game that feels dangerously close to spreadsheet management. Why not a newer version of the game, such as Baseball Mogul 2012? Well, what’s the fun in that?
Read the rest of this entry »