It’s time for another installment of “Shorter Baseball Columnists,” in which we read mainstream baseball columnists and marginalized bloggers like Murray Chass so you don’t have to! Let us begin!

Shorter Bill Conlin: If you quote Ryan Howard’s WAR to me, I might just kill your stupid face.

Shorter T.J. Simers: For some reason, Ned Colletti isn’t telling me precisely what I’d like to hear.

Shorter Bill Plaschke: Peter Bourjos is like a kid out there and also cute.

Shorter Mike Lupica: I am not a lawyer, but Roger Clemens is in trouble.

Shorter Dan Shaughnessy: I am not a lawyer, but Roger Clemens is out of trouble.

Shorter Murray Chass: The All-Star Game can be saved by Twitter, which I hate.

The “Shorter” approach to Internetty commentary traces back, as best as one can tell, to Daniel Davies.

If you’ve wondered recently to yourself, “Where in the world is Carson Cistulli?” the answer to that question is, perhaps surprisingly, not that he has gone from Nashville to Norway, Bonaire to Zimbabwe, Chicago to Czechoslovakia and back, but rather that he was in Tuscany over the weekend and, presently, has found his way to the south of France.

If you’ve never been to this country (i.e. France) before, you should know that it’s pretty similar to the United States, except for the fact that (a) the unemployment rate here is exactly 100% and (b) you can get arrested for not smoking.

Another thing you should know is that, as is the case with a lot of the foreign media that arrives here, FanGraphs actually looks different in this country. Embedded above is a totally clickable and embiggenable image from the author’s own computer screen. The attentive reader will note that, while not crazy different, there are, in fact, some small edits that Sarkozy and Friends have made to the Baseballing Experience that is Our Fair Site.

I can do nothin’ for ya, son.

If you haven’t seen the Coen Brothers’ remade version of True Grit, do yourself a favor and watch it. It’s especially great if you like Westerns and/or Jeff Bridges, but I think it’s a movie most people should appreciate.

Which brings me to the above picture. If there’s one baseball player in all of the majors with True Grit, it’s Jason Giambi. Just look at that beard! Seriously, I can’t tell the difference between that and this:

Just look at those two pictures. Take it in. I, for one, will be referring to Giambi as “Rooster Giambi” for the rest of the season.

Loyal NotGraphs reader SkinsNinerFan brought this dandy to our attention. Upon first viewing, it appears as a clip of Jim Thome’s 596th homer and continued march into the annals of baseball history.

Further inspection proves illuminating, as we discover Twins outfielder Delmon Young is in fact a fiend of history:

Suddenly, I realized Delmon’s face seemed familiar, like the last vestiges of an old dream. I began flipping through old copies of my dream journals to no avail. Then, suddenly, during a 7-hour history channel binge last night, I saw it!

Delmon Young had indeed been both present and exceedingly excited at the signing of the Declaration of Independence! His classic and soul-penetrating face of pure exuberance no doubt led artist John Trumbull to immortalize the emotional outbreak in his classic painting. Odd thing is: This is not even a painting of the signing, but merely a submission of the committee’s proposal draft.

Thus, I began searching the NotGraphs database for “time travel” and “oh face.” Sure enough — and just as I had anticipated — Delmon Young was at the Battle of Marathon, where the Athenians fought off the invading forces of Darius the First:

Odd thing is: The Battle of Marathon is most remembered for what happened after it — the marathon run or march, depending on the source, for which the battle remains so famous.

We can clearly establish two facts: Delmon Young has a time-travel device, and Delmon Young has a penchant for the exciting, historical moments that come before the exciting, more historical moments.

If a picture is, as they say, worth a thousand words, the photograph above — courtesy of The Associated Press, and brought to our attention by charming, witty and all-around delightful NotGraphs reader Nate — is worth at least 3,321 of them.

My initial reaction, upon seeing the photo in my inbox: Mark Reynolds and Kevin Gregg have nothing in common. Followed by: I wonder what flavor those seeds are? I’m all about Original, but Sea Salt & Black Pepper is worthy of much praise.

Over in the forum at Orioles Hangout, where Baltimore’s baseball supporters engage in what I assume amounts to online therapy, they’ve taken “Complacent Reynolds,” captured gloriously in time enjoying some sunflower seeds on the diamond, to new Photoshop heights. There are 28 pages, and, as of Friday afternoon, 406 posts in the thread.

Below are my favorites — please click to embiggen! — via Orioles Hangout user jofalfa:

Orioles fans don’t have much; it warms my heart to know they’ve still got a sense of humor.

Thanks, Nate. I owe you a bag of sunflower seeds.

Carlos Marmol’s line from last night: 0.0 IP, 1 H, 4 BB, 0 K, 5 ER, BS, L.

My fantasy team (and Cubs fans) aches.

But that wasn’t Carlos Marmol out there last night. It couldn’t have been. And indeed, a closer look at the game footage reveals it wasn’t. It was this guy:

Who happens to look a heck of a lot like this guy:

Read the rest of this entry »

Who among us has not struggled with a gadget in the manner of a baboon straining to crack open a coconut? Who among us, I say!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=Kh-tOUSWKK8

While I fear and loathe robots as much as the next man, it may, I fear, be the digital camera that is the first contraption to go “Skynet” and kill us all. As Gouverneur Morris admonished us, “When the computers take over U.S. Cellular Field, then you’ll know war — a final, determinative war — is afoot.”

(Robot hug: Blame It on the Voices)

To be fair, Brian Wilson is a professional athlete. He has the body for this sort of thing. But showing up to the an award show and rocking this Mr. Peanut outfit on the red carpet takes big old monkey balls.

And, we can see them.

As always, Wilson walked the line between douchey and dastardly. Notice the ninja socks. He had this to say about them, which is possibly as endearing as the outfit was daring (or annoying).

“It’s a onesie, so it has built-in gloves that are a little dirty because I’ve been getting a little awkward here on the carpet. And I’ve got my cougar cane — my ‘plus one’ tonight. And the socks came in the fan mail from a San Francisco Giants fan. You know who you are, thank you. It said: ‘Enjoy.’ That was the letter. And I’m currently enjoying them. Ninja socks.”

I know what you’re thinking: The artist’s rendition of Judge Joe West is bloody superb.

Prosecution, and a whole whack of taxpayers’ dollars: You’re gone!

Original image credit: The Associated Press.

As you may have heard, a mistrial was declared today in L’Affaire Roger Clemens, which means he will avoid the hoosegow in spite of his grave crimes against humanity. How should you feel about this stunning turn of events? As ever, the AP brings the dirty, and the FOX commenters bring the lucid wisdom. For starters, here’s something called “caddy 1621,” who, as you might have guessed, is caps-fuc*ing-locked:

THIS HOLE (sic) TRIL (sic) WAS ABOUT CLEMENS LYING TO CONGRESS (sic) I CANT BELEAVE (sic) HOW CLEMENS FANS ARE DUMB SHTS (sic) (sic)

And that’s the entire story, isn’t it? All that’s needed for proper perspective and closure is an airtight, thoroughly appropriate comparison with which no one can rightly disagree. Care to help us out, “maineac”?

First OJ, next Casey Anthony and now Clemens! All guilty and let go!

Now go forth, emboldened by what you have learned here today.