Readers and critics of late American novelist David Foster Wallace will be thrilled to learn that somehow, someway, SB Nation’s DRaysBay has acquired a previously unheard-of manuscript by that same, great author.

It’s a Choose Your Own Adventure-type novel and has been penned under the pseudonym CBJones, but, owing to the scope of the plot and sheer resonance of the prose, it’s very clearly the work of DFW.

Enjoy it at your own risk by clicking here. And listen to me, please, when I say, “Don’t order The Special!”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G6-ks_UP988

For the sake of that little guy, I hope Michael Young is a member of the Texas Rangers forever.

One day, that young fella’s going to be a blogger. And he’s going to find that video. And he’s going to march upstairs and ask his mother, “Why?”

H/T: Old Time Family Baseball. I’m not sure what I’d do without you.

With the recent news that the Boston Red Sox — owners of one of baseball’s more progressive front offices — have signed 17-year-old Kiwi softball-ist Te Wara Bishop, one is forced to wonder: What other inefficiencies might clubs attempt to exploit in their efforts to evaluate, acquire, and develop talent?

Here are some possible avenues for consideration from NotGraphs’ Highly Reputable and Totally Real Think Tank:

1. Elderly People and/or Babies
Sabermetric researchers have become increasingly interested in identifying the peak years for offensive production and, more broadly, the relationship between aging and performance in general. But the problem is that these studies are typically limited to players aged 20 to 40 or so (as the image above indicates). Hel-lo! There are, like, a whole bunch of different ages besides those! Like 57, for example. Or 9, or 81. And that’s just off the top of my head.

2. Not Wearing Pants
Color commentators take pains to note the degree to which a base-stealing threat, when on first, can distract a pitcher from the task at hand — that is, making quality pitches to the batter. What’d probably distract the pitcher way more, though, is if the batter in question just wasn’t wearing any pants — had nothing, in fact, on the entire bottom half of his body. Who has the dangle now, hm, Tim McCarver?!?

3. Hotter and More Bumpin’ Walk-Up Music
Cameron Maybin is a legitimate five-tool player and former 10th-overall pick in the draft, but has posted a slash-line of just .246/.313/.380 (86 wRC+) in 610 major-league plate appearances. The reason? Possibly it’s the case that Maybin just hasn’t, and/or won’t ever, adjust to major-league pitching. More likely, though, is that his walk-up music is “Party in the USA” by Miley Cyrus. Hopefully, San Diego GM Jed Hoyer has taken steps to change this.

4. Bloodletting
It’s so crazy, it just might work.

5. Carson Cistulli
Not for nothing has Carson Cistulli referred to himself alternately as “the greatest mind of this, and probably every other, generation” and also “a preternaturally talented evaluator of baseball, uh, talent.” Front offices of baseball: what are you waiting for? (Seriously: email me at ccistulli@yahoo.com and prepare to get your blank blanked.)

Image courtesy MGL at THT.

You’ll recall that not long ago thinking-man’s powerlifter Leo Martin gave us a walking tour of Safeco Field’s latest culinary offerings. New to the menu was a delightful little pie known as the “Apizza.” Indeed, it looks like my kind of slice — thin crust, pleasingly blistered, and a sauce-to-imported-cheese ratio calibrated to please anyone who’s fond of Bach and cats. (Though I prefer Guided By Voices and dogs, please allow me to traffic in stereotypes in peace.)

But what about the others? What about those not cosseted away on the enlightened Coasts, those forgotten, teeming denizens of America’s Heart Attack Belt? Those who view a trip to the ballpark mostly as tidy rationale for a shootin’ match between their LDL and triglyceride levels? The Apizza, unlike brawling in churches, does not speak to them. Perhaps this will …

That, best friends, is a pizza topped with cheeseburgers, fries and McNuggets. So a little respect, please. If you’re interested in the evolution of this pizza, from this point forward known as “The Conway Twitty,” then please, please, please click here.

In the final photo, you’ll find that this pie is of course best served with Dr. Pepper, a tape measure, a throwing knife, a votive candle, what appears to be a 9mm semi-automatic, and barbecue sauce. I’m not sure what local ordinances will say about the constituents of such a “full-meal deal,” but everything’s a negotiation.

So, enterprising team owners who fear the turnstiles won’t click often enough during the upcoming season, know that The Conway Twitty is here for your measured consideration. If you put burgers, fries and chicken offal on it, they will come.

But they might not leave.

Does this Seattle concept look upside down to anyone else?

We try to stay on top of all things internets here at NotG, but somehow this one slipped between the cracks for too long (say about 13 years too long). While we all may desire to visit each stadium on the continent, but in the meantime, we can surf the stadium porn that is Stadium Page.

It’s an amazingly complete resource. Want updates on the Marlins’ stadium construction? Check. Want to visit the stadium graveyard and see the eyesores that were Shea and the Astrodome? Check. A sidebar with stadium logos for the stadiums the author has visited? Check. Want to check out some world series rings? Check (but the link to stadiums is a little specious).

While reminiscing about stadiums past and dreaming of stadiums future are strong enough enticements to visit, the site hits its highest notes when it shows concept drawings of stadiums never made. Like concept car drawings, these faux stadiums are a window into a parallel universe where our culture celebrates the bizarre and takes chances with multi-million dollar stadium designs. Look at how strange the 1965 retractable roof Boston Dome was! Imagine taking in a game on Manhattan Island’s West Side! Pine for the unrealized Portland Dome! Marvel at the futuristic Kauffman Stadium that George Jetson would have loved! The complete page of unrealized concepts is a little hard to find, but it’s right here.

Stadium Page: all your stadium porn needs in one place.

H/T: Ben Kabak of RiverAvenueBlues and SecondAvenueSagas

If the reader has somehow found him- or herself under the impression that I would halt these awkward attempts to combine baseball with the feast-day tradition of Orthodox Christianity, then the reader is tragically mistaken.

Today we celebrate three lives, as follow.

Every league is a beer league to you, oh Brian Daubach!
Hear our prayer!

You hit 41 home runs with Milwaukee in 1980,
and yet studies show that even you
have never heard of yourself.
Whatever the opposite of hype is,
don’t believe it!

You’re one of the few players in history
to punch reporters on two separate occasions —
which is only once more than the number of times
you punched a train conductor.
Regardez, everyone: it is 19th-century man!

Were there an award for longest NotGraphs post title, I’d have just won it. And were I to give a speech celebrating the acceptance of said fictional award, I’d only thank Ken Griffey Jr., and the fine folks at Nintendo. Because it doesn’t get much more creative than Ken Griffey Jr. Presents Major League Baseball.

By now, I trust you have mastered R.B.I. Baseball 3. It’s time to move on to bigger, brighter and better ways to slaughter your productivity. I present — actually, Ken Griffey Jr. presents: Ken Griffey Jr. Presents Major League Baseball.

Be warned: the website’s a train wreck. And you’re going to have to download something called a Vizzed RGR Plugin to play the game. While I have no idea what the hell a Vizzed RGR Plugin is, because I trust anything and everything I find on the Internet, I downloaded it. I did it for you, yo. And I’m proud to report my laptop is alive and well.

Now, as you’ll soon find out, there are a number of things that make Ken Griffey Jr. Presents Major League Baseball, for Super Nintendo, one of the greatest games of all time.

Read the rest of this entry »

As the image above ought to communicate instantly, Twitter-user and sportswriting watchdog Alex Walsh has stumbled upon something veeeeeeeery curious, indeed.

So far as I can see, there are three — and only three — possible explanations for the trend that Walsh has identified:

1. Coincidence. FanGraphs authors just happen to be writing same story.

Possiblity? Unlikely!

2. Thievery. FanGraphs authors are plagiarizing Neyer’s ideas as soon as he produces them.

Possibility? Reasonable.

3. Conspiracy. Have you ever seen Rob Neyer and Jonah Keri and Joe Pawlikowski and Dave Cameron and Matt Klaassen and Chris Cwik and Jack Moore and Patrick Newman and Matthew Carruth and Eno Sarris and Dave Allen in the same room*? I didn’t think so. Why? Because they’re all the same person, is why.

Possibility? Almost definite!

*Note: You actually CAN see a bunch of these guys in the same room by attending FanGraphs Live in Arizona.

Today, we raise our cups (and/or licorice candies) and commemorate solemnly three lives.

Hear our prayers, oh unnamed and unnameable!

Lenny Dykstra!
You don’t appear to’ve figured out
the finer points of civilian life,
have, in fact, been dispossessed
of your business ventures, all known assets,
and, it would seem, most of your dignity.
But you were also the sort of person
whom people felt compelled to address as “Nails”
and memorably announced that you would “stick it”
to great left-hander Steve Carlton.
You have taught us unknown lessons!

Read the rest of this entry »

Handsome kickboxer Dave Cameron has already, in these very pages, explored the “Best Shape of His Life” phenomenon, which, much like tax software, is too much with us this time of year. You know the routine: this guy lost x number of pounds on a diet of nothing more than falcon’s livers and melted snow, this guy now makes love only in a hyperbaric chamber, this guy had tiny robots put in his eyes, this guy went to a Tony Robbins seminar at the Ramada by the airport, etc. Mostly, these re-stoked innermost fires we hear about amount to nothing.

So it is with great relief that we learn of at least two baseball-ists who are bravely resisting, doughtily storming the Bastille of wellness. Particularly inspiring is the story of young Pirate phenom Pedro Alvarez:

It will take a big man to carry the Pirates offense next season, but not quite as big as Pedro Alvarez happens to be at the moment, sources indicated. Alvarez has put on a few pounds this off-season. At last report, the third baseman had ballooned in excess of 240 pounds, at least 15 pounds more than he finished last season.

If the reports are to be believed, then Latin food and buttercream frosting are the supporting heroes of this story. One player, though, does not make a movement. But two players? Two players make a revolution:

[Joba]Chamberlain appeared to be about 10-15 pounds heavier than last season. That is going to cause alarms to go off in the Yankees universe, but Chamberlain said he feels as if he’s in shape. He even built a gym at his home in Nebraska.

Chamberlain, of course, was already no stranger to the business end of the BMI scale, and now he’s stuffed himself with a few more pounds? Welcome news, yo.

Given the recent disappointing life decisions of CC Sabathia, someone needed to step up and assume the role of “Porcine Robespierre of the Worst Shape of His Life Resistance Movement” — a proud lineage that includes the hot dog-fingered likes of Babe Ruth and Terry Forster.

While hope may not walk among us, thanks to Messers Alvarez and Chamberlain it may well shuffle and trudge and take frequent rests among us.