If the reader has somehow found him- or herself under the impression that I would halt these awkward attempts to combine baseball with the feast-day tradition of Orthodox Christianity, then the reader is tragically mistaken.
Today we celebrate three lives, as follow.
Every league is a beer league to you, oh Brian Daubach!
Hear our prayer!
You hit 41 home runs with Milwaukee in 1980,
and yet studies show that even you
have never heard of yourself.
Whatever the opposite of hype is,
don’t believe it!
You’re one of the few players in history
to punch reporters on two separate occasions —
which is only once more than the number of times
you punched a train conductor.
Regardez, everyone: it is 19th-century man!
Carson Cistulli has published a book of aphorisms called Spirited Ejaculations of a New Enthusiast.