The “Worst Shape of His Life” Resistance Movement

Handsome kickboxer Dave Cameron has already, in these very pages, explored the “Best Shape of His Life” phenomenon, which, much like tax software, is too much with us this time of year. You know the routine: this guy lost x number of pounds on a diet of nothing more than falcon’s livers and melted snow, this guy now makes love only in a hyperbaric chamber, this guy had tiny robots put in his eyes, this guy went to a Tony Robbins seminar at the Ramada by the airport, etc. Mostly, these re-stoked innermost fires we hear about amount to nothing.

So it is with great relief that we learn of at least two baseball-ists who are bravely resisting, doughtily storming the Bastille of wellness. Particularly inspiring is the story of young Pirate phenom Pedro Alvarez:

It will take a big man to carry the Pirates offense next season, but not quite as big as Pedro Alvarez happens to be at the moment, sources indicated. Alvarez has put on a few pounds this off-season. At last report, the third baseman had ballooned in excess of 240 pounds, at least 15 pounds more than he finished last season.

If the reports are to be believed, then Latin food and buttercream frosting are the supporting heroes of this story. One player, though, does not make a movement. But two players? Two players make a revolution:

[Joba]Chamberlain appeared to be about 10-15 pounds heavier than last season. That is going to cause alarms to go off in the Yankees universe, but Chamberlain said he feels as if he’s in shape. He even built a gym at his home in Nebraska.

Chamberlain, of course, was already no stranger to the business end of the BMI scale, and now he’s stuffed himself with a few more pounds? Welcome news, yo.

Given the recent disappointing life decisions of CC Sabathia, someone needed to step up and assume the role of “Porcine Robespierre of the Worst Shape of His Life Resistance Movement” — a proud lineage that includes the hot dog-fingered likes of Babe Ruth and Terry Forster.

While hope may not walk among us, thanks to Messers Alvarez and Chamberlain it may well shuffle and trudge and take frequent rests among us.