World Series Kulturkampf, Game 2

In which the author assumes the essence of the Interweb, posting photos and making fun of them.

Game 2 is all about hair and facial hair. De-HAIR-o-types, amirite?

Quick! Which St. Louis Cardinal is this?!

If you said Kyle Lohse in a flesh-colored skull cap, pat yourself on the back. You’re basically right.

It’s actually comedy savant Barbara Mandrell Howie Mandel, though word on the street is that John Mozeliak took one look at that soul patch and offered him a major league contract.

You see want I’m getting at here. If you’re a Cardinal, and you don’t have a soul patch, you have … some other chin thingy. Feast your eyes on this photo roster:

Yadier Molina was born with chin thingy, and it’s never gotten any thicker. Literally born a Cardinal.

Albert Pujols and the Platonic Form of Goatee

 

Rafael Furcal: imperfect, worldy manifestation of said Form.

Coach José Oquendo has some goatee ideas of his own. This is actually an awesome, disgusting, menacing beard, fit for the greatest villain, but sadly José no longer rocks it, and he’s just a coach now, so I’m not sure it would be eligible for Surly Points anyway.[1]

Octavio Dotel is not really used to his team-mandated chin thingy yet and is seen above trying to eat it.

Chris Carpenter says, “I call this one, Soul Patch Seduction.”

Ryan Theriot: Soul Patch Gumbo.

 

Fernando Salas.

 

Fernando Salas calling upon the Gods of Morph to turn him into Kyle Lohse . . .

 

. . . and the morph is complete!

After Lohse chimes in with one of the douchiest looks ever, the Cardinals need some real help here. Let’s turn to their Theme Song hero, Lance Berkman.

Whoa, Lance, those aren’t real pork chops.

Ok, close it out, closer:

Jason Motte=SUCCESS! Appeals to hipsters, lumberjacks, and sundry religious fanatics simultaneously!

Now for the bottom half . . .

The Texas Rangers would do well to summon the spirit of nineteenth century Texas Ranger Captain John “Jack” Coffee Hays, whose rumpled hirsuteness has inspired such cultural icons as Dan Auerbach of the Black Keys and Joaquin Phoenix’s early onset dementia.

Hays, Auerbach, Phoenix

Let’s see how they fair.

Well, good morrow, Michael Young. But I say, what is that thing on your head?

Whatever it is, you look extremely satisfied with it. No points. At least show some shame for your lack of style.

More like Mitch Boreland, amirite?

It’s pretty hard to out-bore the Michael Young Show of Confusingly Boring Hair Hats, but if anyone can do it, Mitch Moreland can.

Can Mike Adams provide some relief?

Of course, the answer is a resounding no. Despite doing his best Albert Pujols facial hair impersonation, I am still yawning. At least the Cardinals managed to offend me with their uniformity. I’d say the Cardinals are actually winning because of that right now.

Oh! Thank goodness for Matt Harrison’s highly offensive chin puff! Let the comeback begin!

Offensive Chin Puffs 2: Deep Bewilderment, starring Nelson “Don’t Call Me Tom” Cruz.

Let’s give Nelly another chance:

Nope. More puffery, more bewilderment.

How about Kulturkampf Game 1 hero, Mike “Dougie Dog” Napoli:

Meh. At least it’s a full beard. But unfortunately it’s no Jason Motte’s beard.

Koji Uehara’s Famous Fuzz Strips™

Koji-koji-kou. I’m on my second IPA bomber of the night, and you are making me laugh, Koji. We are friends. Sympathy points, I guess.

Here’s Elvis Andrus with a different kind of puff. I like it. Shows he knows he’s pretty, and accepts that. A blow dryer has been employed, along with some mild teasing. He gets on base: at least a looping single of a hairdo. Followed by a stolen base.

Neftali Feliz summons his inner Pedro Martinez. I’ve always loved Pedro’s hideous jheri curl, god knows why, so this tickles me. Call it a sacrifice bunt. Gets Andrus to third.

I’m going to pretend the above picture of C.J. Wilson is actually a super douchey picture of a young Richard Gere and give him another chance:

AWWWWWW! What a fop! A veritable dreamboat! If we combine Wilson’s tussled look with Ian Kinsler’s boyish mop (below), I’ll allow the Rangers to have tied the score. If nothing else, the team from Texas has a lot more weirdness in terms of hair. We can assume that they have fun sometimes. The Texas Rangers: they’re just like us!

But alas, we’re in extra innings and looking for a walk-off. Is there anyone, anyone, on either of these teams that can truly impress me with a cultural or personal awareness as evidenced in the maintenance of their hair or facial hair? Escort me to my chaise lounge, I grow underwhelmed.

Marc Rzepcynski: NO NO NO NO NO NO NO. Worst soul patch yet.

David Freese: Nothing Master

TLR looks like he’s been tanning. I guess that’s sort of hip? NOT.

SOMEONE PLEASE IMPRESS ME.

Walk-Off Moustachios

“Hello, I am Derek Holland, aka The Dutch Oven. Do you like my moustachios?”

Yes. Yes, I do, Dutch.

Rangers win again, on account of the greatest facial hair in the history of MLB. Also, for good measure, Dutch has provided documentation of a previous haircut, which solidifies him as the Ur-Nerd of baseballers:

Get this man a Filet-O-Fish.